Finding things difficult...?

[vandamy]

In short - my wife is 5 years older than me, had been in a previous marriage witch was very messy, had 2 children which have been abducted by their father and has been through some other very confusing and difficult relations.

I on the other hand - have had a less than a handful of relationships, this was my first ever serious relationship and I am finding things very difficult with my wife.

We have been together for nearly 3 years and married for nearly 1 year.
Our Daughter is nearly 3 and half months old.

Since meeting my wife, although she is a really nice genuine person, she is very argumentative and unfortunately so am I.

We knew this issue would and could lead to major conflict of interests in the future but she promised she would change for the better.

For me my flaws are that I am quite a laid back type of guy, still pretty messy/lazy but when I know something is of great importance, I will make sure what ever it takes gets resolved.
Otherwise with small little things I am at fault for letting it over drag without doing anything unless I am told to (unfortunately a very bad train I picked up from being a mothered only child).

Our relationship in till date has been one of up and down emotions - at times we get along so well and at other times, thanks to both of us being very argumentative, we let things get too far and none of us puts their foot down to calm it down.

My wife also has a habbit of reacting too easily to simple questions like do you know where my keys are or something she expects me to know the answer to. Reacting in a sense that she will use a very serious commanding type of voice, which I cannot stand.

We have spoken about the above many times and I have said I will try and pull my weight more and not let myself get carried away in arguments but what normally triggers the arguments is a build up of my wife being so serious with her answers .

I understand my wife has come from a really tough history and she is scared by what has happened but I have tried by giving her new start, new house, a family which she can have it the way she wanted, freedom to express her thoughts and mind while knowing that somethings I will never be able to change....

What I worry our little baby will be affected by all these negativities arguments from time to time and eventually it will wear one of us out to an extent that we just live with each other for the sake of not wanting to hurt out child.

The last thing on my mind is to split up but what do we need to do to achieve a better understanding

counselling? get a third party to help you to communicate better and reach agreement and understand each other.

when you say that your wife "promised she would change for the better" - did you make the same promise to her? Have you kept that promise?

What do you mean about your wife being so serious with her answers?

What ways can you change to make things better?

Your OP makes me feel quite uncomfortable for some reason. We usually only hear one side of things on MN and that's normally ok as I just take it at face value unless it is patent bollocks. Your OP OTOH attempts to be fair to both of you, but it just leaves me feeling undecided.

I can't decide if you need to stop being a lazy arse and do more about the house rather than making endless promises to change that aren't followed though, or if you're actually living with a female abuser who verbally attacks you and belittles you for silly little things such as forgetting where you've put your car keys.

I'm sorry that's really unhelpful, isn't it.

Either way, I think you are right to worry about the impact on your child. Certainly looking at your own behaviour is a course of action you should do without being prompted, as should we all. However, if your wife is perpetually angry at you it won't matter how perfect you are.

Counselling is definitely a good idea to find ways of improving your communication.

For starters, stop being a lazy bugger. You are now the father of 3 children. Act like one ffs.
It's not your wife who should get less serious - YOU should become more serious.

Well, are you laid back or are you argumentative?
Sounds contradictory.
And grow up / man up about being lazy because you were a mothered only child.
Tbh, perhaps this is unfair, but your tone as I read it makes me uneasy. You gave her a house, a family?
Probably it's the comment about her promising to change, but overall I get a sense that despite you describing both your faults, it's actually her you think is in the wrong.
I definitely think counselling, as some of it comes down to not liking how she expresses herself. But you don't need counselling not to be lazy! You're a grown up now, don't blame your mum!!!

You need to start pulling your weight, your not a little boy with your mummy running after your arse anymore, your a husband and a father. Grow up or do your wife a favour and get lost.

The OP sounds like my EX, he was 7 years younger than me, an only child to a single mother and at the age of 27 was still attached to the apron strings. He thought that by doing the washing up once a fortnight he was "doing his bit", completely disregarding the fact that I was juggling 2 part time jobs with dropping off and picking up 2 kids from school and nursery, doing all the shopping and maintaining the house.
The best thing that ever happened was when I met an old school friend one day while I was at a low ebb and seriously considering ending the relationship, he made me realise that I was worth a helluva lot more than I was getting and really helped me take the steps to cut the ties and move forward. It was the best decision I ever made and one I should've made sooner.
My advice to the OP is to make sure he really is taking an equal role in sharing the responsibilities of family life or his OH might just realise that the grass can be greener on the other side.

Please step up and help out more. You are a father with responsibilities now, be the best father you can, your children deserve it.

You and your DW know how to push each other's buttons, could you make a pact to be a team and not wind each other up?

I think lack of sleep with a three month old baby and then having to deal with an adult wanting me to run their life also ('where are my keys?') would make me provide very serious answers too.

I don't think two argumentative people should be together, sorry. Your respective histories are no excuse whatsoever. A 'fiery relationship' with constant sniping and bickering is just a miserable experience for everyone, not least any children. I would suggest you both urgently seek counselling and learn how to speak more kindly to each other.

I would love to read this thread from your wifes point of view. you said you are both argumentative yet you are expecting your wife to be the one to change you say you are lazy and then wonder why she is irritated by you. Btw they are your keys. Find them yourself. You have a 3 month old baby yet you are being lazy and argumentative. You need to step up and give your wife some support.

Op,

The arguments don't happen due to build up of your wife's behaviour. They happen because you decide to react in this way. You don't seem to be able to separate people's behaviours with your own thoughts and beliefs and your subsequent actions.

I think you would benefit from doing cbt counselling.