Is it me or is it him?

[twentytoten]

I've NC'd for this as feel nervous about this.

I've also written and deleted this post over and over again as I'm very upset and bothered by this but I'm not sure how to express that clearly and what advice I was looking for and at the back of my mind I know that this is peanuts in comparison to other situations one could be in.

I don't love my husband, I don't fancy him and I don't feel loved by him. He is awful at big conversations and has a tendency to go upstairs and hide under the duvet if things get too much for him so its difficult to talk to him about feelings and emotions.

I'm not sure if its because I'm at home with our 2 young DCs that I have had more time to dwell on this or whether I would feel the same if I weren't sleep-deprived, ill and having CBT for anxiety and was back working and being more independent.

I feel I have had to make so many changes to how I speak and act because of him; like talking in 'bullet points', getting to the point straight away,not 'umming' etc that I don't know where to start in talking about this with him. And I'm not sure what outcome I want if we did talk.

My ex H was similar in that I never felt really loved by him and through the CBT I know that my relationship with my Dad has made me feel, at times, worthless and unloved.

So I guess my question is- how do I know if it is me that is messed up and its not him or has being with him for the last 8 years made me ill and where do I go from here?

I'm sorry this is a bit long, but I have no one I can talk to about this in RL My CBT lady is very nice but I don't feel comfortable opening up too much.

I think it depends. I had cbt, but the lady doing it was a very experienced psychologist and also used other techniques, I believe. We did cover the oddest etc not just current thoughts. It's great you are making connections. With a but Niue fine, I think you will be able to work our what you need to do yourself. hug.

I meant we covered the past, talked a lot about it. It want as formulaic as other cbt I've heard of. It made me very introspective and much more 'in touch' emotionally, so I don't think that's unusual.

It's normal for any kind of therapy to be an emotional process, particularly if you have numbed yourself as you say you have. It's like taking off a plaster in a protective environment in order to give the wound air to finally heal.

Flashbacks, the recall of long buried memories, seeing the past & present in a new light, making new connections, all of this is normal too.

When you've processed a set of painful feelings/memories for example, you may feel afterwards that you experience a sense of lightness and relief, and a deeper understanding of your life.

What happens if you don't "speak and act" in the way he wants you to. Bullet points, etc.

Hi OP,

Just reading your post and I thought at times it could have been written by me!

I too am wondering if it is me or him. I've been with my H for over 25 yrs and it will be our 20th wedding anniversary next year. Our DC are grown up so I don't have the added stresses of you with little ones. There have been many times over the years I have thought about and even planned on leaving. We've been through some tough times but still seem to be coasting by.

I've tried to talk to h many many times and explain my feelings and thoughts to him but I'm still playing the same record again and again. I see a counsellor weekly and she is lovely, it's the only time I actually feel like someone is listening to me and really paying attention to my feelings. She has suggested it might help me to go on the 'freedom programme' and I've just started reading a book called 'living with the dominator', which is helping me understand my situation a bit more and make me realise that abuse can take on different forms not necessarily physical.

I didn't have a particularly good upbringing. My mum wasn't the best mother and liked to party, I haven't seen or heard from my father since they separated when I was a young child. Mum had many partners, often moving them in and spent most nights in the pub leaving me alone when I was a child. I was abused by a friends father when I was 11 and was never able to tell anyone till I was an adult for fear of the repercussions. I've been in two physical and mentally abusive relationships in the past and struggled to form healthy relationships due to my past.

When h and I met I had a huge wall of protection up which over time came down, he hurt me badly with an EA a few years ago and although struggling with the pain I worked hard to try to get our marriage on track and changed so much about myself that he said had pushed him into it. I'm a totally different person now but not sure if any amount of changing will be enough for him to stop throwing at me how I used to be.

I have no interest in being with another man again and hate the thought of us not being together. My counsellor told me that by keep trying to explain to h how I feel and getting nowhere I'm trying to 'fix' things that can't be fixed if h won't acknowledge my feelings and can't see that I'm feeling so lonely and unloved. Sadly, I think she may be right but I keep trying and hoping that he will listen and take it on board.

I think you have to try to separate the memories and questions you are uncovering from your past from your DH's behaviour. Nothing happens in isolation but, even if you'd had zero problems growing up, your DH's behaviour would be unacceptable. Burying, miminising or rationalising memories is a legitimate coping mechanism so it can be very unnerving and upsetting to bring them all to the front of your mind. But how you selected your DH in the first place hasn't changed and how you feel about him hasn't changed either.