A "selfish" DH defends himself

[EmmaBoxroy]

The guy in this article has a two-year-old daughter and says being selfish makes him a better dad—he goes out to clubs and spends tons of cash. "I’m not living for her. I’m living for me. Me me me." But by then end, I started to see his point. It made me want to start living a bit more that way. How do you all deal with DHs with busy social lives without resenting them?

The article:
www.mademan.com/in-defense-of-selfish-dads/

There was an article in Marie Claire last month that riled me. They did a section on men ,sex and relationships and talked to four couples. The bloke in the final couple had a partner and very young child. She said she felt taken for granted because he was carrying on like a single man and coming home from work ,going straight back out again for a run or to the gym.
This bloke took himself off on a snowboarding holiday with his mates in January. The woman in the couple said she had told him how she felt and that it had led to arguments.
The psychologist in the article said to communicate better and (if there was enough money) suggested a family holiday.

Surely if there was money for him to piss off on a snowboarding holiday in JANUARY a month after Chrtistmas there is money for a family one. And if there had been arguments then this lady had already told him how she felt.
At the end of the article he insisted that he didnt realise how she felt (even though there had been arguments) he agreed to do date nights etc and she now feels confident enough to try for another baby with him. I was speechless reading it.

Oh dear Darkesteyes. Snowsports can bring out the worst selfishness in parents in my experience!

My DH has a consuming pastime but with some negotiation in the early years of parenthood, when he did do less, he's now ratcheting it up again! It all worked because he always wanted to be a responsible and present parent and partner.

Luckily for the child this guy's partner wants to do the family time at the moment, or however he put it. But really he is selfish. Although at least he admits it!

Yeah sounds like this guy and his wife are on the same page, or at least know how one another feel, unlike the snowboarder. The question for them is, what happens if they have another child!

He thinks that they are on the same page. It would be interesting to hear her side of it.

I'm with this guy in lots of ways. He doesn't sound like a hypocrite, because he doesn't deny his wife the pleasures he pursues himself.

There is a culture in the West now of making children our primary (only?) focus. Consequent hand wringing and navel gazing about the right way to do everything, guilt around getting it wrong, guilt about being a working mum. It's unhealthy, particularly the competition I see sometimes between parents to outdo each other - whether it's making the best birthday cake, throwing the most extravagant birthday party, buying the latest gadgets or giving up the most time to cater to their 'needs' and activities.

It can encourage in children a sense of entitlement and also passivity. Both recipes for disappointment in life as well as a poor foundation for personal achievement and fulfillment. They deserve their autonomy.

I am a 'selfish' mum. I am pursuing an intellectual and professional path that takes up a huge amount of my time and energy. Beyond this I also enjoy some interests that are exclusively mine.

I do not help with homework or infantilise them by expecting to do everything for them. At 13 and 11 they are self motivated, driven, achieve highly academically, and are successful in other pursuits like music. Both are popular and well liked and have high self esteem. They've never been constantly entertained and are good at entertaining themselves. I do celebrate them and lavish them with love as most parents do; I am not disengaged, just busy.

I'm aware it's not always easy for them but life is not easy and it's a good preparation for that.

This all sounds terribly smug and I am sorry if its sounds like that but I do not take any credit for it and consider myself a good and not perfect mother. There is no such thing anyway.. It's actually incidental to the choices I have made - which were for me; it's a happy accident.

I have been extremely lucky to have children who do not have any special needs that would make this set-up impossible. I never forget that or take it for granted.

I think I set them a good example and they will never have the burden of knowing I 'gave everything up' for them, or see me unfulfilled later in life (like my mother who is a little resentful of the lives her daughters have had, not having had the same opportunities).

I consider this important as the mother of daughters but it would be just as important an example to set as the mother of sons.

I am a single mother as well but this is regrettable rather than something I celebrate but it does make them see the strength of women.

All this said, I know this is only my opinion and have no interest in criticising or berating the choices other parents make, because we are all different and try our best to meet our own children's needs.

I'm not sure there is much equality in the normality being that the husband is out every single night unless there's a religious festival, they want to spend time together or she ask him to stay in so she can go out.

Apart from that I don't really see how seeking a fulfilling life can be accurately described as selfish.

We don't know that they're on the same page as we only have his word for it.

She may just have low expectations and think all men are like that...

THere's nothing wrong with parents seeking time for themselves. THere is something wrong with a man (and it nearly always is the man) who thinks that his interests come before everyone else's and that his female partner can't have any leisure time or spend money on her interests because he has grabbed all the leisure time and spare money for himself.

His poor wife basically has 2 kids & one of them's a narcissist.

But then I had amazing parents who made sacrifices to ensure I had a great education. I have no patience with a guy prioritising spending money on pop music... I mean Erol Alkan ffs...

Agree with Offred and SGB.

If one family member has no responsibility for the children he half created, is barely home, and hogs all the spare financial resources for his own luxuries, then that isn't freedom. That's freeloading. Because the other party is doing all the actual work.

Having spent 3 years myself really trying to do a proper Shabbat, actually that's quite intense. No housework, no cooking, no telly, just being with your family, concentrating on your child. Obviously, in a proper Jewish family it would be much more multigenerational and therefore less focused on the mother/child. DH was ill much of the time at that period, so often it was just me and ds. I found it exhausting tbh. If he's doing a full-on Shabbat, his daughter is getting quite a lot of daddy time.

Looking at the article, he's been told to write something, anything that will go over the top of/maximise the clicks to a list of 'must have' shiteola $$$ crap that advertisers want to flog. So I don't really believe it as an article. But it is embarrassing that he claims to believe that his wife's selfish interests involve, erm, looking after their daughter, whereas his don't. If he thinks that this will protect him from divorce, he may have another think coming.

Well hang on, he might not deny it her - I expect many men like this, when questioned would say that of course, their wife is free to go out any time she likes! You don't have to be a controlling arse to be an entitled shit. The reality is that if both of them were living like this then nobody would be looking after the DC unless they have a full time nanny/au pair or something. There just isn't enough time in a week/month/childhood for both parents to go off living like they are single, AND spend time with the children, AND spend time together in their relationship, AND sleep, and work, and clean the house, and every other thing.

No, nobody should be a martyr to their child, but you are a team - act like it, rather than looking out for yourself and then acting all surprised when your wife gets resentful about having to do everything.