Father/Son Relationship?

[smiler987]

Hi everyone - would welcome some thoughts or advice on a situation as I'm struggling to know what to do for the best.

Divorced, 2 DS (16/11) - 16 DS old fell out with his father 6 weeks ago - DS chose not see him for a few contact visits then plucked up courage to face his controlling father who promptly ignored him for the entire time. Following this, on my advice, he wrote his father a letter explaining why he didn't want to see him - his father has received this and has not replied for 3 weeks AT ALL - nothing, no text, call, letter - NOTHING!

He continues to see younger DS and is putting in way more effort than usual with him - DS then shares the exciting things they have done!

DS doesn't appear to be too bothered (although I think deep down he will be) - what should I do, if anything, to try and get ex to act like an adult and contact my DS - for my DS's sake (who is in GCSE year and could do without this) NOT ex! I find it heartbreaking that DS is being ignored like this

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Thanks.

I've not been in that situation and I do feel sorry for your DS. You describe your ex as a bully and this is just typical behaviour. Punishing your DS for standing up to him by dishing out the silent treatment, knowing full well that it will hurt the kid. Nasty behaviour.

You can't get your ex to act like a decent human being. If you could have done, you'd probably still be married. What you can do is use this opportunity to educate DS on some of the harsh realities of life i.e. Dads can be arseholes sometimes... and it's not his fault

How horrible for your son.

It demonstrates what a small person your ex is.

Your son is on the verge of adulthood, as Cog says, it's not a bad time to face some of the realities of life. It's not uncommon at that age for the scales to fall from the eyes of children regarding the kind of people their parents are.

All you can do is give your son attention, love and support. Your ex will be the loser when later in life he is rejected by his son and he is a lonely old man having blown it with his own flesh and blood.

If your ex is manipulative younger ds may remain the favoured one, but I have seen similar in a friend's husband and as soon as the younger child got to the age of real autonomy and independent choices, he was rejected too. So I would be prepared for this.

PS I know you were looking for a solution rather than acceptance but your husband sounds as if you can't appeal to his 'better nature' because it doesn't exist. Spoiling DS2 is all about him trying to upset DS1 rather than makin DS2 happy.

What a loser and poor you having to deal with this. At least he is your ex, rather than still your husband.

Thanks for responses.
Foolishly (on hindsight) I contacted ex asking him to sort things with DS as final year stressful time.
Wham - what do I get - a rant about how bad a parent I am, nothing to do with me, I'm appalling, I can't control him, blah blah blah ...
Split 4.5 yrs ago - still reduced me to tears at the venomous, completely untrue allegations.
Know I should ignore but being a reasonable person I really struggle to understand why there is still so much anger directed towards me (him and OW married now and living the life of Riley )
On my DS front - I will do nothing more now other than support, as I have always done
X

He's not angry towards you. He is a bully which makes him a very inadequate, selfish, cowardly and despicable human being. All bullies derive their self-esteem from making others - you, DS - feel bad. They get pleasure and feel in control knowing they have reduced others to tears, made them nervous/insecure or put them on the back foot. Did you break up specifically over the OW or, looking back, was this behaviour a feature of your marriage?

Id probably text back and say that DS is a lovely young man and you feel very honoured to have him in your life. Hope you manage to reestablish a more positive bond over time but at least DS seems happy with other parts of his life.

Cog - OW ultimately but looking back, and having been with him for 20 years, it was his behaviour but I was blind to it!!!

Only now I'm out of the relationship can I see it! Just need to find a coping mechanism so I don't feel sick (still) when I see an email in my in box - I need to grow some balls - his twisted take on his/our past has been completely re-written! And it hurts that he makes me out to be someone I'm not - I feel angry that any reasoning or reasonable behaviour from him is futile - it could, and should, have been an ok relationship post split for my DS.

Ultimately how do you deal with a bully???
X

There are only two ways to deal with a bully IME. Either you stand up to them & refuse to be cowed or you reject them completely, let the insults wash over you and walk away. When you stand up to them always keep very, very calm and flat-tempered - never show even a flicker of emotion - and use statements of fact rather than trying to persuade or reason. e.g. 'You have behaved badly towards DS and I will be making sure that it won't be happening again'. Equally never tell them that they've hurt your feelings or made you unhappy. Knowing they have 'got to you' is meat and drink to a bully. You can't give them the satisfaction.

Unfortunately, after 20 years, he will know exactly what buttons to push in order to get a reaction. Grow balls if you wish. :) But take some acting lessons at the same time... poker face.

I'd advise getting DS some counselling ASAP, being treated like this will be affecting him deeply even if he seems to be living well at the moment at some point in his future this will jump up again, if he can work through it now it will save him lots of strife in the future and he will know he isn't at fault.