So, am I being unreasonable?

[navyblue]

I have changed my nickname because dh knows it and knows I post on here.

Two major bones of contention between dh and me at the moment:

1. Dh is unhappy in his job (nasty politics and not treated very well) so he's looking for other jobs. He has been applying for jobs abroad, and was offered a job in NZ and came close to being offered one in Canada. The problem is, I'm not really keen on moving abroad. We currently live in the same city as my parents, see them at least once a week and they have a great relationship with the dds. My parents are in their mid-60s and my Mum has a progressive illness so her health could deteriorate a lot over the next few years. My sister and her family are a couple of hours away from us and her kids are a similar age to ours. Dh has no relatives in the UK (except his brother from whom he's estranged). I'm basically a SAHM at present(do a bit of self employed work), but my work experience wouldn't easily be transferrable to another country so if we went abroad it would probably be hard for me to find a job of similar status/income to what I was doing in my career before having dd2.

For those reasons, I told dh that I would be prepared to consider moving abroad temporarily (eg for 2 years) but not permanently. Dh feels that if we go abroad he would like it to be permanent. So we reached a stalemate on that and it looks like we won't be going abroad.

Dh thinks that I am unnecessarily scared of the idea of going abroad.

2. Dh has decided that if we're going to stay in the UK, he want to buy a £27k two-seater sportscar to replace his existing car. (His existing car is sporty and stylish, but has four seats.) I currently have a Ford Ka (paid for by dh) which I'm happy with. Dh wants to get a sports car for himself, sell the Ka and buy a people carrier for me to drive. I don't want to buy a people carrier and don't see why we would need one. Two new cars would eat up a lot of our income or savings.

When I didn't fall in wholeheartedly with this plan (I was pretty mild in my objections really), dh got very angry and told me to fuck off in front of the dds. Then said I was a succubus and bleeding him dry etc, and that I didn't have a right to comment because it is his money. (Our savings are in joint names but most of it was an inheritance from his parents.)

Obviously he feels I'm restricting his freedom. Not sure where to go from here.

btw, we have 2 dds aged 3 and 1.

I am going to go and try to talk to him now so may not reply for a while, but shall check back later.

you will never know unless you give it a go .

I'm not sure I quite follow what you mean, peasinapod. Do you mean we ought to move abroad?

As I said, I would be prepared to go abroad temporarily (eg for 2 years or so) but don't want to commit to moving away permanently. The thought of only being able to see my parents a few times each year, dds losing their close relationship with their grandparents, and the prospect of not being around to help if/when my Mum's health deteriorates makes me sad.

I don't know how to resolve this but I think your objections to re-locating are more than valid - I think dh should be able to see this.

Why does he want to go abroad? Would he have trouble getting a new job here?

The abroad thing is not unreasonable.
The ridiculous car thing is however.

I don't think you're being unreasonable either about the abroad thing or the car thing. £27K for a car just for his use, is very self-indulgent. And also immature. It's like his reward for not being allowed to go abroad forever, but I don't really think he should have a reward for having had to negotiate. If you agree to go abroad, will you be allowed to buy some mad extravagant thing like a diamond tiara just for you? As a reward for having negotiated and agreed? Mental? I think so.

But I can see he has a problem in feeling restricted/ trapped. However, that's why they're called family ties - because they do tie you. That's what you sign up for when you become part of a family, isn't it?

has living abroad always been something your DH wanted to do? or is this a 'new' idea to him. My view is that for soemthing as major as a move overseas you both have to be happy with the idea. you're not and for valid reasons. His freedom became 'restricted' when he made a choice to have a family, i'm afraid. It's not being restricetd by anything you have done. I would understand his point more if this was a dream you had both previosuly shared and now you were backtracking. And of course you have a right to comment on how the money is spent. it is yours as much as his.

A bit intractable this one - I think you just need to sit down and talk more. You haven't refused to go abroad have you, you just want to do it for a couple of years. That sounds like the offer of a compromise to me.

My dh's parents have both dies recently.He has inherited a sizeable sum of money,but the idea of it being anything other than ours is frankly laughable.

How can he say that he wants to go permanently before he's even tried it? What is the problem with going for 2/3 years and making your mind up once you've been there a couple of years.

The car thing is just boys and their toys, I'm afraid.

lol at Caligula's comment re the diamond tiara; that cheered me up a bit!

We have discussed going abroad a few times in the past, but he has always been more keen than me. He has also recently applied for several jobs locally but none of them has been suitable for one reason or another.

I think he is more motivated to move abroad at this point because one of his brothers emigrated last year (he doesn't want to move to the country where his brother is, though.)

Job thing not totally unreasonable, but I think family you get on with far more important than career, so would say you're better off staying where you are.

Car thing is absurd.

Fuck.

pmsl!