What happens when a marriage ends?

[Donerelate]

DH and I been unhappy for years; no sex for 4 years, and have really hit the rocks. He is a great dad, and a lovely guy, but I feel nothing for him :( We have been to counselling, and whilst that was helpful in some ways, things have been so bad for so long, that things are over I feel.

I told dh that I love him as I would a friend/sibling and this does not surprise him although he says he still loves me as a wife.

I just won't know what happens next. Would dh have to move out or would I? We have 2 dd's. Just no idea what to do next.

You could go to Relate, they help couples separate as well as stay together.

Ive maintained a good friendship with my exh for the last 10 years, similar situation to yours. We live in adjacent streets and all of our children are scattered but return easily to either my house or the family home where exh still lives. Sometimes, maybe in your case too, the end of a marriage does not have to be the end of a relationship of some sort with an ex.
I agree with trying relate to help the separation if that what is what you both decide to do.

Thank you.

I have said to dh that I don't want to leave things so long that resentment creeps in. I want things to be amicable. I hate the fact that this is happening, but I just feel dh needs a chance to find someone who adores him. I just cannot offer him what he wants/deserves.

I will look at Relate again.

How old are your children?

Agree about not leaving too late as the resentment will kick in then you'll both find yourselves sniping and point scoring. Not pretty.

If he 'still loves you as a wife' then you're going to have to take the initiative and drive the project rather than passively sitting back and hoping it'll all be OK. Otherwise it's rather cruel to stick around tormenting him with false hopes. Relate might be a good idea but I'd also suggest you take legal advice, come back with some information and use that as the basis for agreeing things like who lives where, who contributes what to whom and how the children will be managed between you. Then start the formal divorce process rolling. However amicable you're attempting to be, you should get any agreements formalised because, once he accepts that it's definitely over, he may not be feeling quite so charitable towards you.

Thanks all. DD's are 6 and 10; so worried about what this is going to do to them. However saying that dh is away with work a lot and has weekends away doing stuff, so hopefully it won't be too awful for them. Who am I kidding :(

Cogito, I get you. I have to take the bull by the horns and dh has said pretty much that I need to make a decision.

Hi OP,

I know it won't feel like it but you are in the best position possible when a marriage ends. If you have good communication & are not point scoring then things can work themselves out calmly & rationally without a load of bitterness & anger clouding the mix.

Firstly, well done. It takes courage to look your relationship full in the face & see what's wrong & what has to be done. That was brave & I think your strength will carry you through all this & you may emerge on the other side older & wiser & perhaps sadder, but I have no doubt at all that you will emerge. Some would say that the hardest part is over, the actual decision of whether to leave or not has been made & now all that's left are the details.

No matter how amicable things are at the moment, your dh may start to be angry or resentful when a divorce actually starts so everything needs to be legal & laid out just in case. You can't rely on verbal agreements particularly when finances & child care issues are being discussed.

If you need guidance on starting the process off then see a solicitor or the CAB or as others have said, Relate. Get to know your options & think about what would be best for you. However amicable it is with your exH don't concern yourself with his well being now, make your decisions for you & the children & your exH can sort his stuff out himself. Later on if he gets difficult you may well regret a decision if you made it with his well being as a priority.

Try to get in the mindset of not feeling guilty, there are reasons why you are leaving him & those reasons are good. At the moment possibly he thinks you won't go through with it or that things will stay as they are. Once he realises you actually mean a divorce he will start to think 'but what will I do' & there may be promises to change or he may try to be devious but be prepared for nastiness on his part. Hopefully it won't come to this but emotionally guard yourself & detach from him. His needs are now not your problem.

I know exactly how it is when love drips away one drop at a time until you realise that there's none left. You deserve better & there is better out there for you, go & find it :)

Thanks all for your comments and advice.
Had another conversation with dh this morning. I didn't get a job I had interviewed for and thought had gone well, and was v upset. I explained that I wanted financial independence and when dh asked why, I said in case we split up. He was very calm about it and said that I didn't need to worry about money as whatever happened he would not leave us without. He also offered to move out of the house.

He seems to be being very rational about this, so is possibly in a similar place to me. We are going to talk again and draw up a plan.

I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I also feel sad, but cannot honestly continue this way for potentially another 30 odd years.

'In case we split up'? Shouldn't that have been 'when' you split up?

there is something akin to a grieving process associated with a marriage failing and it sounds as though both you and your DH are both along way down the process - in fact it sounds like your DH (through his offers of leaving and financial support) is in the 'Acceptance' stage - this should help an amicable approach to splitting - good luck OP

Hi again.

Feel sick, as this evening me and h are sitting down to talk things over. I feel dreadful because he wants to have another crack at things; he is suggesting we play badminton one evening a week to spend time together and try and have fun.

However, we have tried meals out, meals in, walking on the beach and I still feel so detached from him, and can't honestly see playing badminton is going to make any difference.

Surely the fact that we have not been intimate for 4 years is a bit of a give-away.

Sorry rambling. Feel nervous as I know he is going to be gutted even though this has been on the cards for so long.

You're going to have to be honest with him. He wouldn't be suggesting 'another crack' if he thought everything was fine. He's going to be upset but I don't think he's going to be shocked. What you need to have before you tell him is some kind of idea about how things will function from here. The 'what happens next'.

Thanks Cogito.

The problem I have is that I am not working at the moment, so money is going to be my main issue, although when h and I spoke last week he said I don't need to worry about that.
I am actively looking though and in fact have just had a phone call from my dd's school where I volunteer offering me 30 hours paid work which is amazing :)