Don't know what to do, horribly confused and sad

[nowit]

My H and I have been separated since March.
We had problems for a while in lots of aspects of our relationship. I wanted more, he shut down.

We tried relate, he nodded in all the right places but nothing changed and I felt it was horribly unfair of me to try and change him because he was the man I married. I grew and changed and wanted more. I explained this to him, he understood but didn't make any moves to do anything.

Then in March he didn't know how to communicate anymore and ended up hitting me. He moved out that day.

He has been to therapy, respect (aggression management) he has helped with the children and continued to support us financially.

He had a big black cloud for a long time and we haven't really spoken in a long time, properly, perhaps we never did. In 11 years I didn't see him cry.

Anyway, he looked after the DC while I was working away a few weeks ago and with the iPad updating to ios7 - the iPad flashed up with my iMessages. He read about me moving on - baby steps- with someone else. He also read about a mistake fling I had a few months after we split, not to mention me talking to a couple of people close to me about how I felt nervous around him and how he wasn't engaging with the children but that I couldn't communicate that to him.

When I got home he admitted to reading my messages and logging into my Facebook account and reading inbox messages.

It hit him hard and shook me up.

He has since started talking, he's broken down, cried and is saying all of those things I've been hoping to hear for so so long. He sent me flowers today.

Now I'm a mess. I feel I now have to make decisions I don't want to make. I'm a mess.

He is a good man and a great dad but I don't know anymore. The prospect of someone new was and us exciting. But he is doing all of the things I've been asking him to for so long.

Help me get some prospective, my head's fucked.

Blimey, sorry for waffling and typos

He hit you. I'm sorry, but that would be it for me.

What was the 'more ' that you wanted?
He hit you. Not god. And you sound like you are rationalising this.
Then he snoops on you. You start to make baby steps, he gets out the harness and reigns you in.
Been there, you can stay there for years unless you are really straight with yourself, and yourself alone, about what you want and if this is realistic.

He hit you.

And he didn't do any of the things you have been asking until he found out that you were moving on.

That's not love.

That's feeling like you belong to him and shouldn't be with anyone else.

That's why he spied on you in the first place. Because sorry, I don't buy this accidental looking. He was snooping. I bet my last rolo he was.

And he's found out that you aren't pining for his return, rending your clothing and wailing into the night. and that's what's prompted this sudden turnaround.

That's how I would interpret it all, anyway.

Not 'good'...

Great minds, revels

His improved behaviour now may be less to do with the fact that he truly loves you and more to do with the fact that he doesn't want anyone else to have you. Sorry - you need to keep moving on x

Yeah, my ex decided he would pull out all the stops to make me happy once I'd found someone else.

That was all about him, though. For most of our marriage, when I was on my knees sobbing in front of him he did a pretty passable impression of Mount Rushmore.

Knickers to him, the snooping bugger.

Too little, too late.

He hit you (a biggy obv) but also hugely invaded your privacy. He didn't just read a few messages and then try to stop himself. He moved on to devour all your facebook chats too. I would feel so violated by that.

All the stuff he is saying that you wanted to hear - how do you know they're his words really? An intelligent person could piece something plausible together after poring over all your heartfelt messages.

I just don't see how you could trust him again, sorry. And I'm not one that normally gets hugely het up by people reading the odd private message. I understand how curiosity can overcome people. But surely we all know as adults that the odd one might be forgiven, but to trawl on and on into your innermost thoughts is impossible to move past imo.

Thank you all.
It's all so fucking painful. I feel like I have to keep telling him over and over again that it's not right. It hurts so much because this is the man I loved and gave 11 years of my life to. We have three gorgeous children and I know he's a good man.

It's balls that it hasn't worked out but I let go for my own MH, I feel like I'm back in the early days again.

He hit you? Sorry he's not a good man at all.
Agree with other posters, he's afraid of losing you to someone else. Be strong!

Was he in your home looking after your DCs that he could rifle through your iPad? There's no point 'telling him over and over' but then allowing him access to your private life which he can then use against you. You're going to have to detach more completely, even if it causes some inconvenience short-term.

Yes he was in my house. He's since given the keys back and agreed to have the DC at his place more.
He is wishing me well with anyone new and saying all the right things but then telling me that he'll wait for me.

I don't know what I need to do. I don't want to be an arse about it all. It's been fairly amicable and I want it to stay that way for the kids if I can. Or am I deluding myself?