Husband's porn/internet/masturbation habits...

[fliss02]

My DH is always clearing his internet history. On Sunday night, he even grabbed the iPad from me to clear his history when he'd been on the Internet sitting right next to me for the past hour. This is making me pretty suspicious. It would be good to know how other people might feel... In addition to this, I know he wanks frequently - like 2 or 3 times per day. Is this normal? He'll sometimes even sneak out of our bedroom in the middle of the night to go and do it so that he doesn't wake me up. Finally, I'm getting more disturbed by his particular fetishes. He is in to being dominated - not my kind of thing at all but when we were dating/ first got married he assured me he didn't need it to be part of our sex life. More recently he's started to talk about wanting to cross dress. I find it such a turn off. I'm really not sure what to do. It all feels like a bit of a mess.

2-3 times a day!? No not really normal unless you are a porn addict. They can do it multiple times a day.
Is it impacting your sex life? i.e. how many times you now have sex? If not then it's probably nothing to worry about.
The fetish thing though, I agree, cross dressing would not be a turn on for me either.
Do you still find him sexy and attractive?
I think you need address all this now!
I have no advice on how to do that though.

How long have you been married? How old is he?

Thanks for your reply hellsbells. I didn't think it was normal. I think he's got a problem but I have no idea what to do.

We've only been married 2 years. He's early thirties.

A lot of this seems to have gotten worse in the past few months since I had a mc.

We've started ttc again so we have been having quite a lot of sex around my ovulation time. It all feels a bit forced though if I'm completely honest.

I do still find him attractive/sexy until he mentions anything fetish related. I'm just worried that I made a mistake in thinking our different sexual desires wouldn't be an issue...

no not normal.

cross dressing? that would deffo weird me out.

sorry OP your dealing with this

Sadly, I think it was a mistake. Sexual preferences are pretty hard-wired and whilst in a loving relationship you can adapt and learn from each other some things are just too far apart from compatibility. If he needs his fetishes and you find them a turn-off, I don't see any middle ground. Certainly conducting his sex-life is not on the agenda. Time for a talk and please... stop ttc or it has the potential to scotch three lives instead of two.

should have said ... 'conducting his sex life over the internet is not on the agenda'

It does sound excessive and the clearing of history constantly would signify he's hiding something from you. I think there might be something going on that you have no idea about so time to have a heart to heart and find out what exactly is going on.

Thanks killpeppa and cogito. I wanted honest opinions. I think I'm in real trouble here.

Thanks jan. yes, I think he must be hiding something from me. Bloody hell I feel miserable.

No no no no no.... he's in real trouble. You've got options whereas his choices are getting less by the day.

Thanks cogito. It's just so hard to think of leaving a marriage. I don't think that either of us can be expected to change our sexual preferences. His leave me cold...

It is very hard but you're going to have to confront him at some point and in order to do so, you need to have considered the possibility that this will be the end of the marriage. Whatever he's doing or not doing, whatever his sexual preferences, the dishonesty has to stop.

I could have been this person. I was probably quite like him. Then my wife confronted me and it all came out.
Tough times! I could go on for ages but I won't.

The best thing, based on my experience is to confront him. It will not be easy for you but somehow you have to find it in yourself to get this out in the open.
He has to be honest with you, you probably won't like what you hear. You will have to be honest with him.
This is the point at which it can all go wrong but;

We went and sought councelling, both of us at first then individually and this taught us, along with some self help, to be open and to be able to talk to eachother without confrontation.
This is where i can all start to fix it's self.

My DW and I have been married for 15 years now. The strange fetishes are behind us (well me) and we have been on a new road to discovery over the last 5 years with both of us working on all parts of our relationship with eachother.

It worked for us, but that's not to say it will work for you.

This isn't going to be a popular thought for you, but is it possible that he is transgender? I know not all people who like to cross-dress are actually interested in transitioning genders, of course. But could this be what is going on?
That amount of wanking is quite high, and if your sex life is suffering and you are feeling lied to and that he is being furtive and secretive then yes it is a problem. You do need to speak to him about it. Would he consider counselling? Would you?

Two wanky-troll threads in one afternoon, very suspicious.

I would tell him that deleting the history was making me wonder what he was hiding so, from now on, would he not delete it. If he agrees, you can see what he's been looking at and if he refuses, then you can ask him why, what is it that he is hiding from you?

That should open up the discussion that you so obviously need to have with him.

Have you tried allowing him to carry out his fantasies? I understand that you find the idea of it a turn-off, but you might enjoy it once your tried it? Sadly, it doesn't sound like there's a resolution if this. As others have said, there's not really a middle ground in this stuff.

So sorry you're experiencing this OP