Friend having affair, MMOB?

[DipMeInChocolate]

My friend since I was a teenager has admitted he's having an affair and wants me to meet OW. I never took him for such a dick and really feel for his lovely wife who's been nothing but kind to me and my DC. The picture he paints of his wife is not pretty but I don't really believe it, clearly she's unhappy but I think they should work on it or split. Currently it seems like a stalemate where he's having his fun then going home to an unhappy marriage. He knows how I feel about this but his friends and parents appear to condoning this new relationship which disgusts me tbh. He's my friend so I'll support him but his DW deserves to know. He wants to visit me and bring OW (using my visit as an excuse for a dirty weekend away most likely) It took me some time to wrangle with it and decided if it was the only way to see him then ok, and perhaps get a measure of OW. But I can't be seen to condone his behaviour so have had to decline his invitation and have refused to meet OW until DW knows.

If my DH was behaving like this I wouldn't be responsible for my actions. I really want to get involved and let DW know but I can't. I'm hoping to make him see what a twat he's being especially as he appears to be blaming DW, WTF? He's fairly naive when it comes to women and DW is the only proper relationship he's had.

You know the wife and are willing to host his OW?

Sorry but I'd be telling him that he has 2 weeks to tell his DW or that I would be.
How horrible and to drag you into it!? No way!
You know her. If it were reversed would you want her to tell you about this? I know I would.
If he doesn't like or love his DW then he needs to let her know so can find someone who will love and respect her.

He's not a friend! Not always necessary to condemn someone's actions but quite different & quite wrong being asked to collude in the deception. That's just being used. I'd normally say 'MYOB' but in this case, the DW seems the last of a vast crowd of people to know what's going on and that's very cruel. I would have no hesitation in telling her.

You really should not allow them to stay with you. Either back away until this thing blows up, or tell his wife.

I think if say to him that I felt very hurt that he expected me to collude in the deception of his wife and he could sling his hook until he'd told his wife.

They wouldn't be staying with me. Should have added that.

Where they stay is immaterial. You're being used.

You weren't seriously considering this, were you?

I would absolutely not have him and the OW stay. How would his poor wife feel knowing everyone has been plotting and carrying in behind her back ? How would you feel if it was done to you Op?

I would also give him a week to tell his wife or I would tell her .

I'd be pretty disgusted with his parents too .

Even so - don't involve yourself in this unless you're prepared for some fairly severe consequences. He isn't thinking of you when he invites himself to visit, so don't do him the courtesy in return of thinking maybe it's worth it to spend time with your friend.

You have to look to you down ethical standards here.

There is no way I would meet the OW, let alone host her.

Whether to tell the betrayed spouse is a more controversion question on MN. I think you need to put yourself in her shoes. If it was your DH having the affair, and mutual friends were finding out, would you want one of them to tell you? Or would you think it was irrelevant to you if they socialised with OW, support your DH in pursuing the affair by bolstering the secrecy and providing cover for meetings? Or would you recognise that the damage to the marriage was already done by the betraying spouse, and want to make your own decisions based on truth, not lies and cover up?

I'm not sure what the point of raising this thread was tbh. I know his behaviour is inexcusable, DH refuses to see him. I will keep my distance until he leaves his wife.Thanks all.

That's the right call, OP. Doesn't make it easy though. I've been where you are and the damage affairs can do to everyone around them is bloody awful. Hope this gets out into the open soon, so that healing can begin.

I think, if he's your friend and she's merely someone you know as she's his wife then you have no loyalty to her whatsoever and if you'd like to see him then see him. Friends should support each other and he's only having an affair, not murdered somebody.

Thanks Jacey, that was honestly my gut reaction. But as I've slept on it, the more uncomfortable I was becoming with it hence my posting. I guess posting on relationship board I expected a lot of angry reactions due to posters being the innocent party in a cheating relationship.

No advice to offer, but I wanted to say how sorry I am you're in this shitty position. I doubt you're the only friend feeling horrible over it if that's any comfort.

I would have been incredibly hurt and upset had a mutual friend known about my DH's affair and chosen not to tell me. It would have felt like another betrayal, another person I could never trust.

Please tell her. Poor woman.

It is not good behaviour of your friend to drag you into this messy situation, to try and get you to validate his choices and collude in deception of his wife. He can sort out the whole sorry mess and socialise with you afterwards.