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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to deal with this?

21 replies

Blossomflowers · 05/11/2013 10:54

I am devastated, Just has a call from School to say that DS 13 has told a teacher that he is hearing voices, has been self harming, hates himself, can't concentrate. This is a total shock. DS and I are close or so I thought, he has been much happier lately has a nice group of friends. The only thing I have noticed recently is spending more time in his room but put this down to normal teenage behaviour iyswim. So when I pick him, up later I need to try and find out. His dad has had mh issues, do these things run in the family, Please help what to do about this, my poor boy

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/11/2013 10:56

"DS and I are close or so I thought"

This doesn't mean you aren't close.

I don't really have any advice, just a hand squeeze.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/11/2013 10:59

I'd tell your DS that he's been really brave to admit all of that to a teacher and that you're sorry he's struggling but you'll do your best to help him. The school may have some ideas for you.

JoinTheDots · 05/11/2013 11:00

You need a GP appt for him, and there will be a referral to other services from there.

It's really good this has come out, and that you are close to him, he will need your support while he finds a balance with these issues.

Holding your hand, and sending good thoughts your way, don't panic, there is lots of help out there.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 05/11/2013 11:01

I meant I thought he could tell me anything. I always spend time talking with him, even told him yesterday that he could tell me anything. I need some idea how to tackle this without pushing him away. Whether the things he is saying are true it seem like a cry for help.

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/11/2013 11:07

"I meant I thought he could tell me anything."

I ALWAYS knew I could tell my parents anything.

And that knowledge was incredibly comforting as a teenager.

But I didn't tell them everything. There were big things I kept to myself for various teenage reasons.

But it still mattered that I KNEW I could count on them.

It's no failing on your part that he didn't choose to tell you this.

It says a lot for him and for you that he was able to tell a responsible adult.

JoinTheDots · 05/11/2013 11:10

Telling the teacher might have been an indirect way to tell you - it's a really hard thing to admit to the ones you love, what if they are ashamed or love you less? If it is a cry for help though, and not entirely true, you just need to be really calm with him, reassuring, and tell him it was really good to tell someone and you want to help him if he can tell you more about it. Hopefully he will and you can get to the root issue to decide what needs to be done next. If he doesn't want to talk to you, can you ask him to talk to another trusted adult about it so the issue is not dropped.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 05/11/2013 11:15

Thank you. I am going to speak with him after school. Lady at school has suggested counselling @ school and GP visit.

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Original poster

Blossomflowers · 05/11/2013 11:24

join thank you. Funny the lady who called from the school said maybe he did not want to burden me. I am searching for what could have triggered this. Just this weekend he has 3 close friends to stay and seemed so happy. This just does not seem like him. Mental illness does run in the family though, do you think this is a big factor. Am I over thinking this?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/11/2013 11:27

You're overthinking it at the moment and if you land him with all of these fears in one hit, you'll really frighten him. It doesn't matter who he told or how it came out, really. He's been very brave and you have to listen and take professional guidance rather than racing ahead, making MH links or incorrect assumptions

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 05/11/2013 11:30

You are right, cog will take a deep breath and have calm chat with him later.

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Dahlen · 05/11/2013 11:34

Sorry you're going through this. As a parent it must be heartbreaking to see your much-loved child suffering like this. I wish you all the best to deal with this.

I don't think you should spend too much time concentrating on the family link with MH. It does run in families but there is an awful lot of research being carried out to try to determine whether this is at a genetic level or a behavioural one. At the moment, no one really knows so it's a distraction. It doesn't alter the fact that your DS is having some problems.

I think JoinYourPlayfellows post about sharing confidences with your parents is very relevant. I was much the same. My parents were fabulous, but I often chose to tell other people about things that were troubling me for many reasons, none of which were negative regarding my parents.

Please don't allow any misplaced feelings of guilt or inadequacy affect you with this. They won't help you or your DS and they are unwarranted.

I would first suggest a visit to the GP. Followed up probably by a CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) appointment if necessary. Some independent counselling may also help. I think the school sound well aware of how to tackle this, so don't be afraid to lean on them for guidance and support.

In the meantime, just keep supporting your DS by telling him you love him and you are proud of him for admitting he is struggling and having the gumption to do something about it. Keep reiterating that he can talk to you but tell him you respect his need for privacy and won't make him feel guilty if he chooses to confide in others.

Good luck.

RustyHalo · 05/11/2013 11:58

Blossom, I know how scary this is for you as my DD has experienced hearing voices. I agree with Join that talking to a teacher was his way of telling you. I think your reaction to this when you see him should be a big hug & to tell him how pleased you are that he has been brave enough to talk to someone.
Take him to see your GP & you will most likely get a referral to CAHMS who were brilliant with my DD.

The referral could take a while so in the meantime he could keep a journal of when the episodes of hearing voices occur, if he recognises the voices, how long it lasts & how he was feeling just before hearing them. This will help you & the therapist identify any triggers.

My DD was very stressed about friendship problems at the time & so I've worked with her to find ways to deal with awkward/ unpleasant people at school. The voices have gone now that her confidence has increased.

There is a lot of support out there & hearing voices is quite common in young people. It often goes away as they learn to cope with the stresses of life & grow in confidence.

Your close relationship with him means you will be a fantastic support to him while he deals with this. Big hugs for you both.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 05/11/2013 12:36

oh rusty and dahlen for your imput and shared experiences. His school do sound great and I am extremely grateful they called, seems like pastoral care is good. Seems maybe more than just the stroppy teenager thing.

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feelingood · 05/11/2013 13:09

Anything and everything are not the same thing blossom as others have said. Also i've found that sometimes kids dont want to tell their parents stuff because they love and respect them and dont want to upset, not because they are scared of how they will react.

You have obviusly done a great job as you've taught him to reach out and he has had sense to do so.

I think a big hug is a great idea as well as all the practical stuff of appointments.

If he is referred for assessment it will actually help that the intial disclosure was at school as they are viewed as more objective than parents. Any reports info collected from school (who seem on the ball) will help to get access to the right servics and support.

Maybe contact the school also and ask if they have a school counsellor or mentor that he can see if he is feeling vulnerable. Check what he is doing at lunchtimes is there places he can go in school like clubs/drop ins where he can feel safe if he is not feeling too good.

I used to teach secondary and most schools have some sort of 'refuge areas' for students who are more vulnerabe for whatever reason.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 05/11/2013 16:53

Well I have spoken to him, no time like the present. He clung to me me and said that he is seeing 3 dark shadows mainly at night and hearing voices telling him bad things about him, he has been self harming and making himself sick after eating. Also said he does not want to eat in front of anyone except me. Which is wht he has not been eating his packed lunch. During this outlet he refused to look at me and had a cry. I have gently asked him questions and said we are going to get help and there id nothing to be ashamed of. He said this has been going on for months how could I have not noticed? Not sure whether to go to GP or through school, just processing. He has begged me not to tell his dad.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/11/2013 17:00

I think Dad has to be in on the story, really. Is Dad under the same roof?

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 05/11/2013 17:03

Yes he is.

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MMcanny · 05/11/2013 17:15

Does he know Dad has MH issues? Are they along the same lines? Would it not help him to know his dad's situation? Would his dad not have been the first person for you to discuss it with before even speaking to son as he might be the best placed for input on the subject. Of course you haven't told him, you came here instead. Are there problems at home? Might this be affecting everyone? At least you know now and can get help for him, it's great he was able to speak about it. Meds can be amazingly helpful for these things. Good luck.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 06/11/2013 08:47

MMany I have my reasons for not discussing with his Dad, DS has begged me not to at this stage. Yes MH issues are similar, self harming, hearing voices, seeing shadowy beings. DH does not have these anymore ( I think) as was an episode a couple of years ago but now on AD's and seem stable. I am calling GP which DS is happy about with and will call School and try to arrange counselling as a start. Just telling me seems to have alienated some of his anxiety.

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LemonDough · 06/11/2013 15:12

It's so worrying isn't it?! Just a quick post from me as I'm on my phone in the hairdressers whilst my (voice hearing) dd is having a haircut.

I wanted to mention that hearing voices is more common amongst adolescents than you might imagine. Dd started hearing them around 13yrs, she also saw shadows & strange men at times of extreme distress. CAMHS taught us that these were in her case (and the majority of teens) a symptom of distress & not a symptom of schizophrenia. Her voices are all but gone now that she's much happier.

So as said, get to the GP and ask for a CAMHS referral.

Best of luck, you're not alone & you're doing really well so far!

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 06/11/2013 15:39

Lemongoodness really, I was unaware this totally un common, kind a reassuring in an odd way. I spoke to a lovely duty DR on the phone this morning and she was totally empathetic. We have an appointment at 5.00 today at the surgery so hope all goes well, not sure what to expect but DS seems happy to go. I have assured him there is nothing to be ashamed of.

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