Strange friendship behaviour

[toastedmarshmallow]

I have a friend who has been acting really strangely for several months and has definitely dropped me (and most of the group who used to see each other a lot.) I was wondering if anyone had any insights into her behaviour.

I have known her for 5 years and we used to see each other very regularly, about twice a week in a group of about 4 or 5 of us. Our DC are similar ages. Then she began to HE her 2 DSs and things have changed since then. She's very sensitive and I worry I might have offended her with a couple of unintentionally tactless comments about this.

As she got into HE she began to not reply to texts or FB messages from any of us. I had a baby a few months ago and she has shown no interest except for a very short FB comment. Anyway, I assumed she was busy/stressed with HE so tried not to be hurt. I have sent her a couple of FB messages over the last few months- no reply.

I had given up on her when my DM ran into her- it was all very friendly and she mentioned how she had lost touch with everyone so thought I'd send her a final message. A couple of days later she replied then I realised she had defriended me on FB! She's also defriended the rest of the original group.

I find it all very strange and quite hurtful. If I had caused some offence why not just tell me? I know the friendship is over but I wish I knew why- should I email/ phone her or just leave it? Sorry this has turned out very long!

Oh cog for heavens sake.

You might as well say don't have a first child if you're going to be offended by other people's opinions. Or marry across race/age/class barriers. Or anything else people might feel entitled to poke their beak into comment on.

We can't all lead narrow 1950s lives UNLESS we are prepared to be boudiccea (sp?)

And i really don't think you can call Home Ed an alternative lifestyle. Some deeply conventional people HE

Of course it's alternative. It's a very small minority that HE. It's not just that the OP' friend is quietly offended either. They've dropped a big chunk of their social circle. Massive over-reaction, whatever the original perceived offence.

I don't think its that small a minority really. Or maybe it's another "Surrey" thing, I know loads of people who HE, and another large number who have done it for a while.

Not commenting on the friend's reasonableness or otherwise.

Just think "alternative lifestyle" is a bit strong.

Cog has said she lives in a London suburb with good schools. So probably hasnt had reason to notice the swell in HE numbers

I'm guilty of behaving this way; I'm a terrible friend to have. Once I haven't spoken to someone for a long time I just delete them off of FB.

I do it because I don't like having over a certain amount of people on FB; also I have a complicated life (child with mild SN's). It's hard for me to continue with some relationships without sadness, jealousy or the capability of being objective when someone accidentally says something I am sensitive towards. I need to be alone a lot these days now that I'm expecting my second child; a child that I know everyone is suspecting will have similar SN's. (I get sad about the assumptions).

My point is, please don't take it personally. Maybe she just needs to be in her shell for a while. She may come out of it and apologise to you and even explain. She may never.

I get a lot of texts and emails lately from friends who miss me, and the sad thing is. I miss me too. I'm different now, my priorities are different and sometimes I'm pragmatically resentful about it.

I don't live in a London suburb .

Sorry. Just checked what you did say. You have impressively fast trains.

Also, not all of us are lucky enough to get our statements on time due to LA politics...so our children are not always home schooled because we want to, it's because we have no other real choice when it comes to finding education that is in the best interest of the child.

Not only that, but I've been cold shouldered by a few parents who think that once my child is finished statemented he will take away a space at the school they all want for their own children...despite the fact that I'm actually closest to the school.

**I have a friend who is HE and she won't admit to anyone her child as ASD (or any SN for that matter). It's presenting quite severely and even the (tactless) nursery workers are making sure to discuss her children with other parents. She has gone completely quiet. Her FB is gone, she is very to herself and that sparkly woman I used to have coffee with is trying to adjust.

I don't know the reasoning behind her newfound veil of silence, but I know it's difficult to adjust your views when you have to find alternatives you never thought you would be considering.

'If she's the over-sensitive type that drops friends and pulls her kids out of the school system rather than deal with disagreement, an innocent 'Hello, how are you?' has the potential to cause offence, let's face it' - wow, impressive empathy there Cog~!

What Zat said.

You're inventing detail, Cog . We dont know why the friend is HEing.

Why this violent antipathy to HE?

I didn't mean this turn into a HE bashing thread! I am not anti HE at all.

AngryByrd, thanks for your insights it could well be she has an awful lot on her plate at the moment (to do with HE or not).

Anyway I feel I have done as much as I want to maintain the friendship, hopefully she'll be in contact sometime.

anytime toasted

Also good luck with your pregnancy AngryByrd. To me it seems a shame that you've found it difficult to keep up some friendships, but if that's what's better for you.

I think I'm guilty of not trying to really understand other people's way of thinking it's something I'm going to work on.

In all honesty though toasted you've tried to reach out; it's not your fault she has withdrawn. You tried your best.

Thank you for your kindness :)

you're welcome , I 've come to that conclusion about it too

I'm also someone who defriended a bunch of people from one particular part of my life (a social activity I used to do with the dcs) to be honest I just moved on - they were nice enough people and I didn't fall out with them but I didn't feel inclined to put any effort into keeping in touch.

It happens, people drift away. As for some of the HE views on this thread . I did it for a while many years ago - it wasn't right for us in the end but I know lots of nice ordinary people for whom it is perfect.