considering living apart for a few months - would really like some mnet opinions

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Could really use some impartial advice here!

As some of you may know, I really am not enjoying living where we live. After some discussion with dh, we have decided that I should start to apply for jobs in the city where we hope to live next, and if I get something move down there.

This would be great for me but I am worried about a few things:

1. Is it a bit strange that we are so keen to live apart again (we lived apart for the first four years of our marriage)?

2. How would this affect dd who is 2.2 - she would have 2 homes for a few (up to six) months. V confusing for a toddler.

I am already feeling excited about the possibility of working and having my own money and living in a city (one with a large expat community as well)! But am I being selfish?

Don't know what to do for the best. What do other mums think?

forgot to say that I would start applying when our holidays are over (August) and dh will keep working here until the end of next school year (June 2007).

erm, is the plan that dh will follow and if so have you got a cutoff time in mind for that? If its closer to a couple of months I think/hope its manageable (as I'm doing something similar in 3 wks time)

Where will dd stay for most of the time when you get a job.
Are you keen to live apart because you know you have the full support of each other.
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to work and have your own money.

dd will go to nursery - I am not planning to work full time, hopefully 60 or 70% if that's financially viable.

I think perhaps dh is fed up with me whinging...

we lived apart when we had both kids for 10 months and it is far from ideal tbh. We did it before kids and that was alot easier, but with kids was hard bloody work.

I for one would n't consider you selfish. Although your dd may find it strange and if you have her full time it may be hard on you organising childcare and getting her settled , in the long term it would be a more positive lifestyle for you and, in turn, her. If your dh is fairly flexible in where he can work then it seems a more sensible option all round.

What sort of job do you hope to do ? Do you already have a work permit or would the job have to give you one ? Another thing to bear in mind (and I'm sure you've already considered it) is the cost of running 2 homes.

I am a neuroscientist - looking at jobs either at the university or a pharmaceutical company. I do feel that a happier mum makes for a happier dd. It would of course have to pay enough to run both homes, and the plan would be that I would be in situ to look for a place for when dh moves down.

how does your dh feel about missing this amount of time with DD?

meant to ask as well, does your DD currently attend nursery where you are?

sparklemagic - I think dh would miss her, but he is the one encouraging me to go for it. We would see him at weekends. She isn't in nursery at the mo, mainly because there isn't one here. Nothing until Kindergarten when she is 4 - that's one of the problems.

I think if he's fine with it then that must help your decision?

I do think it might be a huge change for your DD though, to lose the day to day contact with her dad and lose you (largely) to work, and have to start nursery...you asked what other mums think, so I'll tell you that I think this is asking alot of her. I also think that having a happy mum won't necessarily make your DD happier, I think that's a fallacy. It will make YOU happier, certainly, but I feel that unless a mum is VERY depressed and unable to interact adequately with their child, the child is probably better served with their mum at home as much as is possible, even if this means mum loses something in personal fulfilment or career satisfaction and might be bored!!!! Would you consider a middle ground where you could work less, certainly at the beginning when your DD is experiecing all the changes?

Could you stick it a couple more years until your DD would be looking towards Kindergarten/school?
However if you are excited at the thought of working, etc then I think you have probably made your decision already really?

You did ask for opinions!! I guess I'm playing devil's advocate in a way, I could not have been LESS excited about work after my DS came along so I fully accept it's hard for me to see the benefit to others - good luck with whatever you decide though.

meant to add, I don't think it's at all odd about you and dh being happy to live apart, plenty of people do it and see eachother at weekends, it's obviously survivable and I guess suits some couples if they are independent etc. I think difficulties come if it's for weeks at a time but if there is regular weekly contact then why not!

Thanks sm, other opinions are really valuable.

That this would be really unsettling for dd is exactly what I am worried about.

I haven't made the decision yet, and won't make it definitely for a while. I wonder if I can find a way to get her used to being apart from me in the meantime.

You could get her used to being with out you by having someone to look after her for a few hours a week.(I'm not sure where you are and what child care is available.)
I do think that she would find it hard to move away from daddy and have less time with you all at the same time.
It also depends on the type child she is some are more able to cope with change than others.
Is there any sort of job you'd be able to where you are now even if it's not in the feild you want to work in,and then move when she is older and at gindergarten.