Made such a mistake. How can I make things better?

[Yadleadleoo]

I have been with my Dh since our late teens, 8 years and we got married last year. He has always been a very funny, sarcastic and fairly highly strung chap. Very moody. We had a surprise pregnancy and our toddler DS is just the most amazing thing to happen to me. Dh seems mostly to feel the same, but on occasion he becomes m

Has some of your post been cut off?

Moody and takes it out on us by acting like a spoiled boy. I just can't see how to go on like this. Sometimes he is the most devoted, mature, loving dad and other times he is just pathetic. I don't want to leave him; I love him. I just feel as though parenthood has changed me at the core, whereas he is just 'playing' at it and knows I will pick up the slack. I'm sorry, I really am not expecting any replies, I just needed to get this out because I'm sitting here crying like a sad cow thinking about what a cock up I've made with my life.

Sorry cogito, posted too soon.x

I knew what you were going to say when you used the word 'sarcastic' because it's the humour of choice for the mean-spirited. There are only a few options when you find yourself where you are. 1. Do nothing, tolerate the bad behaviour and cry like a sad cow thinking you've cocked up. 2. Reject the behaviour, reject him and start fresh. 3. Stand up to him, challenge him, tolerate nothing, ignore the sulking and refuse to be cowed.

Suggest you start with '3' and, if that doesn't work, threaten and follow through with '2'.

Oh cogito, 'mean spirited' is exactly him. He just sees an ulterior motive in everything.He is really bullied by his parents who still see him as a child, have no confidence in him, this I am guessing why he is without confidence in himself. Am not excusing him, just saying I can see that he has been pushed down a lot.
I do tell him that it's not acceptable to be the way he is and he apologises and seems to really dislike himself. I am far from perfect myself, but I would never be snappy with our DS the way he is. He talks to DS exactly the way Mil talks to him(Dh). 'well that was stupid, wasn't it?' 'no, you can't have x because I am feeling cross and spiteful of X inadequate reason'.
I take him up on it every time, I do not let the bullying stand, but it won't be long before DS understands what Dh is saying (only 16 months)
I just lose respect for him every time he's like this.
I tell him so but he just looks further ground down.

Reading this back, it just seems pathetic that I would sty with someone the way I've described him. He absolutely adores DS and 90% is great with him, but I am just so disgusted by the man-child he turns into sometimes. I knew what he was like when we married. It is my own fault as I thought he would grow up with time.

This isn't your fault - you haven't made a cock up of anything. You put your faith in someone you love and wanted to see/hope for the best in them. And i think the "he is just playing at it, and knows I will pick up the slack" is really common, a lot of men are like that. I'm sorry, i don't know what the answer is, I just wanted to say that.

This is not just mean spiritedness, this is going to grow into emotional abuse of your child.

Don't stand by and watch it happen for the sake of staying in a relationship with this man, like my own mother did.

If you do that, as your child grows and learns that this is all he can expect from his parents not only will he despise his father he will despise you too.

It's a mistake to try to change someone's core personality. If he genuinely dislikes himself when he is unkind to his DS then it is his responsibility to do something about it. There are classes in how to be a better parent, resolve conflicts, and other skills that might help him, for example. How would he respond to that?

What about counselling?

I have told him he really needs to take a look at what is age appropriate for DS, what we can realistically expect from him. I am the one reading all the bloody child development books, trying to work out what's best for DS yet I am failing to protect him from his own dad's inadequacy. I think Dh feels really inadequate. He reacts with a boy's reaction to criticism- is scathing and angry. Doesn't know any other way.
I had a bit of a shit upbringing, but since getting pregnant have made a huge effort to identify possible issues that might be repeated with DS. Read that Oliver James 'They Fuck you up' and others. Dh just not that interested. He is just so passive about things like that.
Thank you for responding. I have actually just written him a letter telling him everything I need to say as I get upset and muddled when I try to speak to him critically. I was going I leave it with him while me DS and I go to baby group tomorrow and see how that goes.
I know I can't change him. I've always known that. I have just drifted along in the relationship and made stupid choices.

he isn't going to change, love. A letter will get it off your chest, but what more do you expect from it ?

A relative of mine married a man (C) who then became stepdad to her toddler son. He initially acted towards the boy pretty much as you've described your OH does with your toddler. C's dad was mean spirited and controlling and we saw that C was simply repeating his learned behaviour. Fast forward two years and C is now an amazing dad. He needed a lot of encouragement, reassurance and people to 'model' appropriate behaviour, but he DID change.