Need some kind of 'self help' for dh's issues

[Soldierskittle]

He's never been 'good' at sex.

He often struggles to maintain an erection. He's not comfortable or confident to let loose and abandon himself. He also has a very low drive

I've done as much as I can to reassure, help, identify where the issue lies

He will not consider counseling (selling? siling?). Is there any resource I can direct him towards that might assist him with thinking through his ideas and feelings about sex?

I'm tired out and may not be explaining this well. I just want us to have a more regular, fulfilling sex life and I want to help him feel able to achieve this

Maybe if he has problems with erections a trip to the GP?

It sounds like he doesn't want to improve his sex life with you, though. If you suggest websites or buy him books, he will ignore them or complain that you are putting too much pressure on him.

Given that you say it's always been like this, he's either gay and in denial, or someone with a naturally very low libido - and, up to a point, if you married him knowing that he was shit in bed and not very interested in sex, he might have some justification in feeling or saying that you knew what you were getting into and why should he change now?

Just wondering, though - is it religion that's crippled him sexually? ANd did you think that getting married would make him feel that having sex is 'OK'? Because if he was brought up with misogynistic, homophobic 'traditional' superstition then he may well be gay and in denial.

How long have you been together? Lack of confidence and self-consciousness are more features of a new relationship and they should disappear once you've got to know each other and been together a while. Does he feel under pressure from you to perform?

No, not religious, not gay

He is massively lacking in self confidence. He wouldn't be able to speak to someone about a personal issue even if he knows it's important. He struggles to make phone calls, to the electricity supplier or whatnot. This is something I recognise, and understand partly the reasons for. But can't seem to change

He's a head in the sand type, and lazy, if he ignores a problem it'll go away, but this one wont

We've been together 15 years, there's been peaks and troughs. The early years if our relationship were spent in a haze of partying, could always blame the drink or whatever. Our latter years have been a fog of work, kids and study

Why is it you that's looking for resources to help him? Why isn't he taking the initiative? Is it because like SGB says he's not that bothered?

Of course you can be understanding and supportive to a point but you can't do it for him, can you?

Why won't he consider a sex therapist? Is he too embarrassed or does he just not see it as an issue?

I'm afraid that if you want a regular and fulfilling sex life you may have to have it with someone else.

No, no pressure from me to perform. Lazy too, and knackered. But, and I don't mean to big myself up but certainly when we got together he thought he was punching above his weight

He was inexperienced, and geeky. I was not. But we were kids. We've grown up together

And thanks for chatting to me about this, I think I might be opening a can of worms, but one that needs attention

What you're describing - leaving the sex aside for a second - sounds like quite severe social anxiety. If he can't talk to an electricity supplier how does he hold down a job or lead a normal life in other regards? I'm guessing if he doesn't like talking about personal matters, he's never consulted a GP? Because, in your shoes, I would not be relying on self-help books, I'd be getting him in front of a doctor for a mental health assessment.

Sorry, always one step behind the conversation

Jacey he wouldn't know how, he wouldn't be aware that something like this is actually something you can identify, talk about and seek to resolve. To him if it's too difficult, them don't.

I've suggested couns therapy. He makes the right noises,but I know him well enough to know he'd sit and squirm, nod along and nothing would change. may be we need to priorities it. I got as far a phoning relate, and this will sound like a shit excuse, but we just can't afford it. We've got no money spare, no savings.

cogito you might be right.

He's not ever been to the dr.

He has a very simple job - no stress, no pressure, no decisions to make

Counselling and sex therapy can be available on the NHS. You'll have to wait, but eventually you would get an appointment. Could you go to the GP together? You're likely to have to do the therapy together

Perhaps that's something we should try Joan, thank you of not have thought of approaching a GP about it

And forcing myself to think about this has just reminded me, thinking about his psychological issues

He's dyslexic and dyspraxic

I need to think more about the dyspraxia that until recently I thought meant he was just clumsy, but having become slightly more clued up about what this means actually other aspects of him could be more easily understood if I knew more about this

Part of the confidence issues come from not being understood by teachers, he's from the generation that was dismissed as a bit thick if they couldn't spell

Recently there's also been discussion around how often erectile issues are far more likely to be physiological in cause than previously thought (although psychological is of course very possible too) - this makes it particularly important to go to the GP, partly because there may be a more simple medical solution than you expect, but also because it can be a marker for other health issues, such as heart trouble, that really need to get checked out.

This must be a really tough discussion to have even with a very thick-skinned DH - hope it goes ok.

Maybe it would be better if he had therapy on his own? It could address some of the other issues like the lack of confidence and anxiety too.

I know for a fact in my area there is no psychosexual therapy available on the NHS so this probably would be something you'd have to pay for, other areas may differ though.

As an aside, my friend is dyspraxic and he is the horniest fucker I've ever known! I guess there could be a link between these problems and the lack of confidence though.

Does he actually want a better sex life though, or is this coming from you?

On a different tac...

Maybe you just need to dig into what really turns him on (everyone has a fetish). Could be shoes, or lingerie, or getting it on in dangerous places.

Some people are happy to flaunt their "thing" and are easily honest about it with their partner "please dress up as a fireman", while others are embarrassed or even ashamed of being aroused by uniforms or baby oil or sub/dom stuff.

Not an easy conversation to start I know, but it might bear fruit.

You said you've done your best to identify the issues but do you think you've made any progress there in all this time?

I ask because you say he lacks confidence and finds it hard to let go but also that he has a low sex drive.

Which do you think it is, the chicken or the egg?

If he is lacking in confidence this might affect his sex drive, and make it low. If he has a low sex drive and sex just isn't that important then he won't be especially motivated to overcome the lack of confidence/enthusiasm.

It seems to me that you still need to try to unpick what is going on with him, because until you do it's going to be hard to tackle it.

The other thing is - you are his wife, does he care enough about how you feel to at least talk about it and be honest with you about how he feels? Because he doesn't owe it to you to give you the sex life you want, but he does owe it to you to be open and communicate with you.