I miss her :(

[RachelBerry]

Posted this in chat but realised it would be more appropriate to post this here.

I'm 24, married with a little girl aged 5.

I had a very good friend, who was more than a friend - and unfortunately we no longer speak. I miss her, and while I will try and forget about her, sometimes I dream about her. Last night I did, and today I have felt ever so sad because I just miss her so much and I feel as though I have nobody to share memories with.

Nobody knew about our 'relationship' then, and nobody knows now. Well, DH does - but for obvious reasons he isn't too keen on me banging on about her.

I am happy with DH, but I just feel so sad sometimes. Today, I feel very sad. I miss it, I want to talk about her/whatever it was...but I can't.

It's like word vomit, trying to stop myself from emailing her. I don't want her, I just miss her.

Do you mean she was your lover?

Yes Cogito when we were younger. It's been a complicated and rocky friendship since I got together with now DH, who also knew her.

I think the problem is that I don't see her as an ex, and I love my DH very much. I see her as a lost friend who I had lots of really good times with.

You can't go back to old flames and first loves and think no-one will get hurt. If you love your DH very much, keep this person as a fond memory and nothing more.

I absolutely get what you're saying. I think I'm just sad that we are no longer friends either and it felt like we were friends before anything else.

I don't think I actually would contact her, I just sometimes feel the urge to...evaluate what's happened I guess. Closure.

I won't, though.

Why now OP? What has suddenly made you reactivate this interest in a relationship that ended so long ago?

I'm genuinely interested as I recently had a same sex affair with a female friend and am really struggling to let it go.

Hi joannesroom, to be honest it's not a case of my interest being reactivated now, it's always there. I try to put it aside, as we have barely spoken in 2 years - but sometimes it will be triggered, in this case I dreamt about her last night.

It's so complicated because our friendship/relationship situation was between 18-20. I am 24 now, and between getting married at 21 and now - we have had a rocky attempt at just being friends.

Early last year she told me she couldn't 'handle it' anymore, but never elaborated. She is also in a long term relationship with a man. Earlier thia year I had a message from her telling me that she was moving across the country with him.

The thing is, we never considered it a 'relationship', it was extras on top of a very close friendship. But having tried to do the 'just friends' thing, it hasn't worked and I feel like with the more time that passes, the more I realise what it actually was between us.

I miss her, so much. And that never goes away. But today I am feeling sad, wallowing a little for something I don't even really understand and wishing that I could jusr talk about it and about what happened and how great it really was.

What is your situation? Sorry to hear you are also struggling.

Thanks for your backstory, Rachel.

Mine it's quite complicated and I'm anxious about getting a big and probably deserved flaming on here for marital infidelity, as well as outing myself in RL.

Have had issues regarding my sexual orientation for several years although married with kids, just buried it and got on with stuff, but it became harder to ignore. Started fancying a friend and though she was/is straight, she was unhappily married and we got involved in a very intense relationship.

It's over now and ended really badly (from my point of view) and I'm left in a bit of a mess. DH doesn't know although he knows I've become deeply unhappy and doesn't know why. I don't know where I'm going with my marriage. Deep down I know it's over and have a really strong desire to come out.

But I'm stuck with missing ex girlfriend and the pain isn't getting better.

It's hard to get over someone you really cared about. Even if things are good in your life at present.

I'm an all-or-nothing kinda girl. When it's done, it's done. Right, wrong or indifferent. Maybe her saying you two couldn't be friends was closure for her?

Unmumsnetty hugs to you all. Missing someone however it ended is hellish, I miss my ex far more than I should or would ever admit out loud.

I won't flame you joanne - there were elements of my 'relationship' with my friend that interfered with my relationship with DH at times. It's always been so complicated. You can PM me if you want to discuss in more detail?

I do love my DH very much, I don't have any desire to leave him - but I miss her and it was a very special thing which at the time I didn't realise what was happening. I was naive, I guess - about both of our feelings.

MummyBeerest I think that the reason I struggle with closure is because there was no beginning and no definite end, just a series of events - it was never really spoken about, we never classified what we had as a relationship - it was something that we just did. But as we got a little older and started to get serious with our boyfriends, our wonderful friendship with those added extras seemed to crumble. And it all got so much more angsty than it did when we were actually teenagers!

I feel like I just need to talk about it, understand it all and put it away. But I am struggling, and so many things remind me of her. It's painful sometimes, how much I miss her.

Thank you AnyFuckers those hugs are much appreciated. It is tough isn't it

I just have a knot in my stomach that won't budge today.

Thanks all for not condemning me.

If it's any consolation, the pain of missing my ex outweighs any of the fun and excitement from the affair, so I feel I am paying my due penance for the disloyalty to my DH.

OP, you have to do what feels right, but if you are in a happy caring marriage, and the relationship fizzled a while back, why rock the boat? Has something recently happened to get you questioning?

I regret doing it this way round as I know now I should have addressed stuff within my marriage first (but I just didn't know how! How on earth do you tell your spouse you are gay??) before launching into an affair that has left me broken-hearted.

Anyfuckers your post made me cry this morning on my way into work. When I was expecting a whole load of icy cold opprobrium to be chucked (deservedly) my way, to get a hug was unexpectedly painful!

I'm finding this week particularly hard for various reasons. My knot isn't budging either.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad joannesroom I wish I could give you some advice that would suddenly fix it all.

I guess I struggle because I don't think the relationship so much fizzled, as abruptly ended when things got complicated. I have this desperate need to have every part of my life in neat little boxes, and this just doesn't fit into a box because I don't understand it.

I know I'm not making any sense, I do wonder why I miss her so much when I'm happily married. I see them as separate, I guess

I feel like I just need to write our story, to make sense of it. Childish, hey?

bump?

Thanks skully - I am fighting this overwhelming urge to just tell somebody about it I don't know why or what it would achieve. I am just not in a good place about it all. I feel like I need some sort of release from it, but how to get that - I don't know. I'll give the writing thing a go.

I'm sorry to hear that you were hurt by your friend

Well tell someone then. Maybe a good friend, a counsellor etc. sometimes you do need to talk it out to understand it.

Thank you. None of my friends know, they would be shocked as they all assume I am 100% straight and I don't want to be judged or for people to doubt my marriage.

Of course you're allowed to miss her, that's fine and it's not going to go away - you are grieving for what you've lost. Huge hugs though - I had an intense relationship with my best friend for several years, and when we ended it it wasn't so much being her girlfriend that I missed, more that I missed her and our friendship. It doesn't go away, but it will get easier, I promise. I hope you're ok tonight .

A counsellor wouldn't judge you they are just there to listen and help you through it. Also a lot of people are not 100% straight you are not alone. To me as an objective person you need to talk it through as you are uncertain about your sexuality. You are still relatively young you may just need some confidential discreet help to help you through you feelings. Be kind to yourself:-)