Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Best friend is angry with me.

24 replies

CillaBANG · 04/11/2013 19:39

This is so schoolyard and trivial compared to the horrific shot that gets posted in this forum, so apologies in advance!

My best friend is a really fun, generous and lovely person and we used to see each other most weekends until my baby was born 9 months ago. We now don't see each other as often (she's not into kids) but text a lot, and went on a group holiday together recently.

It's her birthday next weekend and she has tried to organise a meal out at quite short notice. Normally I'd be going... But my DH and me had already agreed to go to another birthday for a friend we very rarely see. This guy isn't a close friend but we are very fond of him and it's his 30th. It's going to be a big do with a lot of folks we haven't seen in years attending.

I've told my BF we have already made plans and can't go to her thing and she sent me a text saying she is very hurt and angry with me. I've offered to take her out for dinner the following weekend but that hasn't helped. I don't really know what to do.

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 04/11/2013 19:43

Surely she doesn't expect you to blow off a genuine prior engagement for a 'decade' party, to attend her last-minute ordinary party? Very unreasonable. It's a shame you can't go, but go you can't, so that's the end of that. These things happen - hope she'll get over herself it.

Walkacrossthesand · 04/11/2013 19:43

PS if your attendance is so

MrsWolowitz · 04/11/2013 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walkacrossthesand · 04/11/2013 19:44

..important to her, she'll rearrange her short-notice meal for a day you can make it, won't she?! Her call...

RevelsRoulette · 04/11/2013 19:47

Tell her that you are not going to cancel on someone because that would be rude.

IF she continues to be a baby about the fact that your life does not revolve around her and you shock horror socialise with other people, that's her problem.

Putitonthelist · 04/11/2013 19:47

There has to be more to this. Could there be OP?

If there aren't any other tensions in the friendship and she's asked you at short notice that's her fault. You've done nothing wrong. I would be more than happy to go for dinner with my best friend if she couldn't make my night out.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/11/2013 19:51

That's not very nice of her, OP, but it sounds out of character for her. Is there something else going on in her life?

Fluffymonster · 04/11/2013 19:51

She's being unreasonable.

Original poster

CillaBANG · 04/11/2013 19:59

Walk she said in her text that if she knew I'd made other plans prior to today she would have rearranged the event, but can't now as another couple with a child have arranged a babysitter.

Putit I think she's maybe feeling a little abandoned by me as she doesn't see me as often as she used to and when she does see me I've usually got my hands full dealing with my DD. Also (sorry if this is drip feeding), a couple of other people she is close to can't make the meal she's organised because of prior arrangements. I think her sister confessed shed forgotten it was her birthday coming up (she is going to the meal, though).

I think my BF expected me to keep her birthday free in my diary because she'd want to do something- that isn't something I'd expect her to do for me, but I don't really care about my birthday or celebrating it at all.

OP posts:

cosydressinggown · 04/11/2013 20:01

I feel for her - she probably feels a bit let down by you lately. She doesn't/can't understand why things have changed and probably just thinks you don't like her as much.

Putitonthelist · 04/11/2013 20:12

It's really hard to maintain a friendship at the same level once you've had DC OP I can remember being really put out when one of my close friends couldn't make my hen weekend because no-one else was available to look after her 2 young DC (her DH was working) It's only when I had my own DC that I realised how selfish and pathetic I'd been.

Did you text her about dinner out? Maybe give her a ring and give her some reassurance. I'm sure she'll be fine.

Dilidali · 04/11/2013 20:46

How about you start the evening at her do, stay for pre-meal drinks, then go to the other party? I had to do this before, it worked beautifully and everybody was happy.

Original poster

CillaBANG · 04/11/2013 21:40

Dilidali the 30th birthday is in another town about an hour away so we can go to either one or the other, unfortunately.

Putit yeah I texted her about dinner as soon as I realised we were double booked. She then sent a few texts gently trying to convince us to come to her meal instead of the 30th. It was when I reiterated that we couldn't come and apologised again that she sent the angry text.

I don't think she really wants to speak to me at the moment. I feel conflicted as I understand she's hurt and feel terrible that I've upset her, but I'm also a bit annoyed at what I see as an over-reaction and a bit of emotional blackmail. I'm also a little cross as it was my first day back at work after my mat leave so could have done without this!

OP posts:

Rosencrantz · 04/11/2013 21:42

She's being ridiculous.

Making plans is first come first served. You had plans first.

cloudskitchen · 04/11/2013 21:55

Is it actually her birthday on that day? If it is and you usually do something for her birthday every year then I can see that rightly or wrongly she might have assumed you'd keep it free. If it just happens to be near her birthday then she should have checked with you before planning and not just assumed. Either way I'm sure it will blow over but I wouldn't pander too much as these things happen.

Retroformica · 04/11/2013 22:21

She obviously is just desperate for her special friend to be there on her party night. She is acting in a slightly spoilt manor though.

MisguidedHamwidge · 04/11/2013 22:28

Do you normally celebrate her birthday together? If so, when you got the invite to the other party, surely you noticed that the date coincided with her birthday weekend?

You could have contacted her and asked what her birthday plans were before accepting the other invitation, especially since the other birthday isn't for a close friend.

From your post, it sounds like you would prefer to go out with your husband and see a few other people at the same time and that your friend's birthday just isn't a priority for you. I can see how she would feel hurt by that - especially when she hasn't seen so much of you lately. Maybe you have just grown apart.

Original poster

CillaBANG · 05/11/2013 08:08

We do normally see her on her birthday, but the last few years it's been a meet up in the pub rather than something more formal. You're right, I should have twigged the 30th was on the same day and declined the invite or at least checked what my BF was doing, so I do totally see why she's hurt. But I can't go back in time and change my actions and I have offered to take her out the following week. I normally see her every 6 weeks or so.

You're also right in that on this occasion I'd rather go to the 30th if I'm honest- we haven't seen the guy whose birthday it is for a while, or the rest of the circle of friends he belongs to (they live in a different town) and it would be a good way to catch up with all of them at the same time. But maybe you're right and my friend and I are growing apart- she's never having children and is focusing on her career, and now I have a baby our lifestyles and priorities are very different- I can't go out every weekend anymore or be particularly spontaneous.

OP posts:

cloudskitchen · 05/11/2013 11:51

Not sure what you can do now really other than give her some time. I think under those circumstances I would apologise, admit I should have told her in advance and reissue the offer of dinner. I know your lives seem on a different track right now but babies don't stay babies forever. It flies by. Slowly you get some independence back and be easier to go out with her again.

DIYapprentice · 05/11/2013 12:08

You know what, I have friends who missed both mine and my DH's birthday because other members of their families had birthdays that weekend. I was pissed off, quite frankly. We had booked it well in advance, and we had fabulous dos which were a lot of fun. But it seems that because we have overlapping birthdays with family members that we will NEVER have them come to our parties. Quite frankly that sucks - and I have to say that it's affected our friendship.

So good for you for staying firm on attending someone's 'special' party and shame on your BF for guilting you for it.

DIYapprentice · 05/11/2013 12:08

Sorry, should have said '40th birthday parties'.

Kandypane · 05/11/2013 12:29

I feel sorry for your friend. Can you ever see her without your child? Maybe she's been feeling abandoned for a while and her birthday thing is the last straw. If you want her to continue being her best friend you need to appreciate she has a different life to you and put yourself out from time to time

MaryShelley · 05/11/2013 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderhoney · 05/11/2013 13:31

You have already made plans- and it would be incredibly rude to change them now. I wouldn't try and do both.

That's the trouble with last minute things -people have plans. Its got nothing to do with your baby- you have already made plans.

Does she think you will have the date circled in red for her birthday and its last minute because she thought someone might have organised a surprise party and she has realised this is not happening and she needed to organise things for herself?

You have been very nice to offer dinner at a later date. If she is your friend she will apologise for not realising you do have other friends and a commitment to them also.

Flip