Why can't I get clarity on this?

[westbest]

Long story but I don't seem to be able to get clarity about splitting up with my partner and throwing him out.

He has a vile temper and tonight, he came home stressed after work. I have been at home all day with flu and also looked after our 19 mth old. Our 5 year old was with childminder. I havent had much chance to get over the flu and am going to take another day off work tmrw. I asked if he would take the kids to school/ nursery and he lost it with me, shouted in front of the kids and called me a c**t.

I am a rational, normally articulate, intellgent woman and yet I dont seem to be able to throw him out- the kids were understandably hysterical. Even putting my feelings into words here is hard

I have had enough and am fairly sure I dont love him anymore. I come from a broken home myself and wonder if thats part of it but I can't go on like this.

Advice would be appreciated! I feel lost!

It's very hard to end a relationship because our society tells us we shouldn't.

And because change feels harder than carrying on doing the same thing and feels like more of a risk. It's scary. Doing the familiar may be horrible, but we're used to it.

What are the positives about this man?

How many lives have you got?

What role model is he presenting to your kids?

What are you as a couple teaching them about relationships?

Those are just a few questions you could ask yourself to concentrate your thoughts. I'm sure there are loads more.

I'm sorry you're on the receiving end of this abusive behaviour. A 'broken home' is an interesting term. You could say it's what your DCs are living in now. An upsetting environment where they are frightened of their own father. Sounds pretty broken to me. If Dad lived somewhere else would the home be broken? Or would it be a calmer, happier place where they didn't have to watch Mummy crying and being called names?

If you're struggling have you thought about calling Womens Aid for advice? 0808 2000 247. They have a lot of experience in guiding women in your position and their DCs to safety. Good luck

You are finding it hard to get clarity because you are in an abusive relationship.

He should have come in and told you to go and rest and be helping you if you have the flu ffs! He didn't because he prefers to abuse and hurt you.

In order to get clarity you need help and support. Posting here is a good first step. Do you have friends? Family? You can also contact women's aid.

You don't have to put up with this, keep reaching out. It is never, ever ok to treat you like that.

Thankyou so much- this is the first time I have verbalised it anywhere. I have lots of friends but havent ever really told them the full story. I think I am also scared of being alone but can see that I would probably be happier- i feel sick to think of how its damaging the kids :(

It's a big step writing it down and admitting there's a serious problem. It's very stressful keeping something like this to yourself. Do confide in a friend and don't be surprised if they've been anticipating your call. Womens Aid might bridge the gap between telling us and telling a friend. Be very careful won't you? Verbally abusive men can become violent if they think the game's up

some reading materials

I always found reading around the subject made me focus. Don't know if that will help for you, but there's a link if it will.

I am very sorry to hear how utterly horrible your husband is.

How would you feel about taking a tiny step and confiding all of it in a trusted friend ? You need to stop pretending you are in a functional and nurturing relationship. Piercing your own denial is the first step, and the hardest one.

A call to Women's Aid to get their take on it would also be advised.

Again thankyou so much! I have done 2 things- i have arranged to meet a friend sat who left her partner a year ago to talk to her/ ask her advice.

I have also asked my partner to go away at the weekend to him family in wales as I need space and he has agreed.

I dont know what happens next but these 2 things have made me feel better. Will read links- thankyou.

Those are very good ideas, OP.