Messy bil situation- Wwyd?

[louloutheshamed]

In the whole time I have known dh's brother (he is 28, I have known him for 13 yrs) he has gone from one relationship to the next without a break in between and sometimes a definite overlap. About 4 years ago he met a new gf and within months she was pg. shortly after the baby was born they got married, by which time she was pg again and had a second dd 11 months after the first. His wife was 19 and he was 24.

About a year ago we learned that the relationship was breaking down and then a few months ago bil moved in with another woman who lived with her gran. They then moved into a flat owned by (v wealthy) pil. Bil took up smoking as new gf smokes, and is on ads and is off work on the sick.

Soon to be ex-sil has sent me a photo of a newspaper clipping from 10 years ago saying that new gf has a conviction for child cruelty, the details are hazy but it involved a baby being left with 2 broken legs - the implication is thy new gf was involved and complicit and did not report it as she should have. Sil says this is the reason that she does not live with her own children (2, preteen age) and why bil in the custody arrangements has decided only to see his dds 12 hours per month :(

Now we learn that new gf is 3m pg. She has had treatment in the past for cancer and apparently didn't think she could get pg. I am at a loss as to what to say tbh. I cannot bring myself to congratulate him. I just keep thinking about what an utter mess this child is being brought into. She is still smoking, they are asking pil for money despite living rent free in their flat, I wasn't even sure they had been together for 3 m but evidently they have.

Pil are seeing more of bil than they have in years, because he needs them and their money, but their sensible advice falls on deaf ears and he continues to treat them with disdain and contempt. But they seem to want us all to play happy families, and welcome this gf with open arms, but I am uneasy about her being around my children and I am just exasperated at bil who seems to think that bringing a child into the world is no big deal, as it has happened three times now accidentally. Everything that bil has done in his life has gone to shit, relationships, jobs, finances, cars (he wrote off 2 in a row but pil bailed him out so he didn't have to claim). And I have no confidence that this new relationship will last. Neither dh or I want anything to do with him and i do not want my children around this woman, but pil seem to want to build bridges.

Wwyd in this situation? Does dh have a brotherly duty to bil to give him a chance?

Will PIL agree to help him? It might be better for the child to go into foster care, what would happen after the year is up?

How would GP supervise 24/7 anyway? That's too much to ask of any couple, let alone an elderly pair.

It doesn't take long to abuse a baby.

I'm sorry but no, based on a judge's sentence and I assume a full scale police, social etc...investigation had gone on - in a progressional capacity. In that case NO. I would not let my kids in ANY form of contact with this woman without MY or my DH's supervised contact. Period. Same for your BIL.

Priorities first - find yourself some qualified childcare. Childcare in a professional setting who can properly nurture your kids and provide them due attention without all the additional non-vocational shit involved.

Second, detach your family from all this drama. None of it is your responsibility and there is f*ck all you can do about any of it.

As for the child, inform SS if you have't already and be watchful, mindful. But remember, you have no legal responsibility to this child so don't feel guilty. I'm sure if you saw any evidence of abuse, you would report this immediately.

Sorry but your bil sounds like a COMPLETE liability and a headf*ck and I would stay well, well clear.

No need to apologise...he is exactly that

they already go to nursery so will have to ask about increasing the days to cover the extra day pil would usually have.

Im pretty convinced this is going to cause an almighty rift...when I expressed my concerns the first time pil acted as if I was being terribly precious and melodramatic...and i'm cross with myself that we bought the sob story about the abusive boyfriend because there is clearly more to it than that.

The thing is pil are a combination of v naive and unfailingly optimistic about bil, I think that they were hoping that this relationship was going to be a good thing for him, turn him around, mil is always commenting that the new gf (or fiancée - they are supposed to be getting married in the summer ) is so much better for him than his ex wife..... They can't accept that he is a habitual liar. my heart breaks for them.

Ah well. Not your problem. I know you have a heart and I'm sure they all know deep down what the problems are & were. It's so much easier to cover the bullshit with a veneer of 'normality' including your family because it's much much harder to face the truth. Many people do it. They do it to survive . It takes a very strong person with a high emotional IQ to accept a situation, take ownship and CHANGE.

Be supportive, lend an ear perhaps but ultimately, know that there is nothing you can do to change the situation. All you can do, it protect your family and be a watchful aunt..

HTH

I would tell your PIL asap that you won't me leaving your dc with them one day per week if BIL & SIL move in. If they have any doubts about taking them in it may help them come to a decision. It will at least force them to take off their rose tinted glasses.

Foster care really may be better for the baby - a smoke free home for a start plus BIL & SIL will have to make far more effort to be involved with their child this time around IYSWIM.

I think it's only reasonable of you to say that if the PIL are willing to provide 24 hour supervision of a newborn because of the risk of harm, you feel it would be unfair to burden them with the care of another two children - and in all likelihood SS would not recommend it anyway. (The smoking alone would be reason enough for me).

What's more worrying I think is that they are not going to provide the round-the-clock surveillance they are meant to be, because they will naively trust your BIL and his gf not to harm the baby. I don't think you can rely on them to adequately protect your children.

This woman has form for having a baby and then dumping it on grandparents and basically buggering off, doesn't she? I don't see that pattern changing here.

How can your in laws be expected to give 24 hour care? ThT doesn't seem possible?! Will your in laws watch them every time they get up in the night to feed to baby or change a nappy? Will they come with her to baby groups/friends houses?!

I can't believe ss have advocated this-is it usual?!

I know i don't get it either . Gil is semi retired but still often away overnight. So basically mil is going to e held to ransom, not able to leave the house without baby etc in tow??

I'm not familiar with ss procedures at all....

Fil!

Thank you for the advice on this thread.

Pil have decided that they cannot provide the 24 hr supervision- they have 5 other gdcs and elderly parents and they feel it would not be fair.

Such a heartbreaking situation.

Bil continues to delight- he didn't phone/text/visit/send a card to his dm on mothers day despite the fact that 3 days earlier he was asking her to give up her life to bring up his child.

Good of you to update OP.

How are you feeling about it all now?

I feel so angry at bil. We invites this woman to my ds's 3rd birthday party- she was around ally friends' kids, I can't believe it and it has been a v rude awakening for us all.

I feel so sorry for my pil who are in an impossible situation- how do you deal with a grown Child like that?

Hmmm it must be hard for the parents to turn their back on their son, I suppose they feel responsible in some way for how he has turned out. Going by what you have said they certainly like to enable him. It's like they're keeping him as the baby.

The new girlfriend, well she would minimise what happened, after all no one wants to confess to child abuse. It's possible that she and her boyfriend both denied the crime, in which case the authorities would have had no alternative to remove. It's possible she has a criminal record for this? It's also possible that ss have offered the baby to your BiL on the basis they separate. Saying that he has not demonstrated common sense by virtually turning his back on his own kids.

It's not the babies fault. That's for sure.