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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What does it mean, if after three months

23 replies

ByGove · 04/11/2013 13:29

BF suddenly gets cold feet, no sex, no affection (previously very tactile, sex at least once a day, often two or three times). Is open to discussing it and is very upfront about feeling overwhelmed and is missing his ex's family (but not her) and overall feeling depressed.

After three weeks of feeling like his foot is out of the door I have asked him to go away and decided if he wants this or not (currently he insists he does). BF has now asked I we can start again, date and slowly spending more time with each other. He also said he is afraid of being alone, but regrets rushing straight into this relationship without a pause from his last.

I should add, for the last few weeks he has not left my house because he hasn't wanted to go home. He told me he loved me very early on, very quickly settled into spending most of his time at mine and just before withdrawing asked about moving in officially and told me he wanted to marry me (not an actual proposal though).

Currently on a break, with contact. I am feeling quite let down. (And stupid for allowing myself to get into this situation).

I need some MN wisdom - please dissect my relationship. I need to know where the red flags are. Is his pulling out the responsible behaviour of somebody who wants to make a go of things, or somebody who is slowly letting me down?

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 04/11/2013 13:35

Red flags or no, too early in a relationship to bother with the hassle!
There are men out there who aren't total fuck ups.
Chuck this fishie back in the sea.
At worst, he's deliberately trying to make you insecure, at best - he's just bloody hard work! Doesn't matter which really, neither are attractive. Let him go.

SparkleSoiree · 04/11/2013 13:36

Let him go.....lots more fun to be had single or with another date. Three months and all that hassle?

Dahlen · 04/11/2013 13:37

Honestly? I'd call if off based on what's in your OP. Far too much angst involved for it to be worth it in such a short-lived romance.

I'm not saying he's a player, but you'll end up sabotaging your self-esteem and always feeling like you're working at the relationship instead of just having fun and experiencing the headiness of someone really wanting to be with you because you're you. Whether he's trying to be responsible is largely irrelevant, because even if he is it's clear he's not yet mentally detached from the old relationship to fully enter into the spirit of this one. He's told you this and I'd take him at his word if I were you.

Tell him to look you up in 6 months time when he's worked through his issues. If you're still single then, you could try again. Tell him that just as he needs time to process his feelings, you need time to decide if he's worth hanging on for. In the meantime, better to go no contact.

Sorry it's causing you pain, and good luck for the future.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/11/2013 13:40

The red flags are

Too-early expressions of love
No affection
Messing you about changing his mind
'Feeling depressed' ... but doing sod all about it
Practically moving in your house
You're confused, upset and posting on MN....

Don't let it be him deciding whether you're worth it or not. You're much better than this.

Wideboy · 04/11/2013 13:42

Classic course of a new relationship. Let the infatuation ride itself out and then see what's left. I suspect he's in that second stage.

CailinDana · 04/11/2013 13:44

Tell him to go and sort himself out and come back when he's ready to have a proper relationship. No contact during that time.

CailinDana · 04/11/2013 13:45

Wideboy - classic, really?

SolidGoldBrass · 04/11/2013 13:46

Fuck him off. He's either a useless whining wuss who will always be running after what he can't have, or one of those men who has to have women obsessing over how to please and keep him, so there is no room in their minds for anything but him and his needs. You don't want either type in your life.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 13:49

What does it mean ?

it means you have inadvertently got yourself mixed up with a whiny, game playing, attention-seeking nobber

what on earth were you thinking ? And for God's sake, do you really want to stick around for more of this drama ? You are the rebound, possibly being used purely to get his ex's attention. Surely you can do better than this ?

sparklysilversequins · 04/11/2013 13:49

He replaced her with you, without giving himself time to get over her. The spending time together so quickly, quick declarations of love. It's not that he wants you to be her, just that he needed someone to fill the space she left. Now quite rightly he begins to realise you are an individual and that it won't work that way.

I'd stop seeing him altogether, I think it can only involve heart ache for you.

ALittleStranger · 04/11/2013 13:50

He's admitted he's afraid of being alone. It seems like he's using you for his emotional comfort. He sounds very needy and my concern if I were you would be that I could have been any old bunk-up. Not wanting to go home is very strange behaviour indeed.

It's not a good sign at all that all of this has happened six months in and it's very difficult to turn the clock back on a relationship. It sounds like he's wised up to the fact that veiled proposals and suggestions of moving in is not what he wants with you a but is now struggling to unpick it.

ALittleStranger · 04/11/2013 13:51

HairyGrotter · 04/11/2013 13:54

Get out now. He's not ready at all and will string you along, really get out and go enjoy dating. It shouldn't be this hard at all!

BitOutOfPractice · 04/11/2013 13:55

Do you really need all this hassle and angst so early on? Stop trying to analyse him and ask yourself how he's making you feel. What he's giving to you.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/11/2013 13:57

Finish it - cut contact and then run like mad for the hills.
Deary deary me - all this after 3 months.
NO - you are the rebound and it's not fun.
He will to and fro for ages and you'll be left wondering what went wrong AGAIN!!!
End it now!

Original poster

ByGove · 04/11/2013 14:03

Sorry to write and run, I got called away from my lunch break - I will get back to the thread soon. Thank you to all who has taken time to reply.

OP posts:

Wideboy · 04/11/2013 14:26

Well perhaps not classic. It's just that at a very impressionable age (relationship-wise) I read a work - written in the 19th century - that analysed love in the way I described. There was a third phase, but it was a long time ago and I don't remember what the third phase was. Anyway, it seemed to apply to relationships I had had before then and it helped me realise what to look for. A few relationships later and I got into one where the infatuation didn't seem to fade and 40 years and 4 sons later we're still going strong.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 04/11/2013 14:27

OP you're his rebound.

Sorry to say it but this smacks of every rebound relationship I've ever heard/seen.

LividofLondon · 04/11/2013 14:43

"Tell him to go and sort himself out and come back when he's ready to have a proper relationship. No contact during that time"
Totally agree with this CailinDana.

ByGove, at best he wasn't emotionally intelligent enough to realise he needed time to heal before getting involved with you, and at worst he's a selfish twat who has used you to plump up his ego until he felt OK to go it alone. Either way he's not doing you any favours, so I'd advise doing what CailinDana suggested above. Or tell him to sod off permanently and find yourself a man who has his act together.

Original poster

ByGove · 04/11/2013 17:20

Thank you all for your replies.

I had been over thinking this for too long, I couldn't work out if I wanted to tell him to f**k off because I felt spurned, or because he was behaving like a dick.

Reading through your comments has been helpful - each has reflected conclusions I had come to, but wanted to dismiss.

So it's time I listened to my head. I just need to drag my heart alongside. It is so sad, but necessary to prevent further hurt. I am going NC.
Thank you (esp for the )

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 04/11/2013 17:23

Oh ByGove I think you've made the right decision. Good luck. I hope you're OK

cosydressinggown · 04/11/2013 17:26

I definitely think it's the right decision, for all the reasons mentioned and a whole host more. If it's like this now I guarantee you it will be ten times worse after a year or two of marriage. This is supposed to be the fun, lighthearted bit.

Plus he's a disrespectful knobber who's told you he's missing his ex's family (what a tool, honestly).

Sevillemarmalade · 04/11/2013 17:37

Sounds exactly like a relationship I had ten years ago. I wish I'd been as sensible as you in asking for advice and getting out early. Instead I put up with over a year of emotional abuse before he finally returned to the wife and kids. I'm not a regular poster on relationships but this has struck a chord with me - def listen to the MN wisdom! Very best of luck going NC - if he's a charmer (and they always are) it will be the best option - don't get sucked in again.

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