Tips on how to achieve/maintain/increase good mental health

[DawnOfTheDee]

I'm in a bit of situation with some 'friends' at the moment that is taking up far too much head space and is causing me stress/worry that I could really do without.

I don't want to go into the situation right now as quite frankly i'm bored of stewing on it but it did prompt a conversation with a friend (a nice one) that made me think of starting this thread.

Basically my friend said for the past year she has been trying to conduct herself in the following way: give all friends a 'score' out of 10 and any that score 4 or below she is limiting her time/contact with them. Seem to be working for her and I thought it was a simple idea to follow if you're trying to get into a mentally healthy place.

Does anyone else have any other simple tips for dealing with wendy's, choosing who to interact with, how to let things go, how to stop focusing on negatives, etc?

I'd be very interested to hear on the things you do that you feel help.

That's a great idea & I agree with it, I fact I'll use it myself.

I would say take control of you! I have bad anxiety & one of the main triggers is bad time keeping. It Sends me into to a total panic that takes ages to escape from. Having explained this to close friends & family most have the basic courtesy of being on time or even better early. But one person is always & I mean always late. Not just by a few mins but but hrs sometimes. Of course by the time that person eventually gets to my house I've had a panicky attack my routine is complety destroyed. Anyway this went on for years until I decided I'd had enough. Now that person is never invited to my house, for days out etc I simply let them go. They were controlling me & each time I ask them not to be late they continually disrespected me.

4 months on and I am happier, the symptoms have minamised & I control my life! It's was a big lesson for me. Just stay away from negative people. Those who constantly gossip, talk badly about others & are generally just not nice. No matter who they are!

Good luck

I think giving your friends a score is actually an incredibly unpleasant and ultimately destructive way to behave.

You make friends because you like them, you have something in common, you have a laugh. Friendships are tested by all sorts of things. People can be shits to each other in the guise of friendship, or they can be wonderful, or neutral. That is the long and the short of it. By all means drift away from those who are shits, it goes without saying. But giving them a score and seeing how they perform is stooping low, and is going to drag you down.

Because if you are feeling mentally not very strong (and I do sympathise) then how can your scoring be accurate? We all know that depression brings the urge to scapegoat a person or a couple of people, to make them the focus of bad feeling in the effort to channel the illness. Surely it's better to find a path that rises above that, not to give into it?

But since you asked for tips, here's what helps me:
DO things. Plan out a few things you want to achieve, think through the steps and the sticking points, and then do them. Anything from making a cake to getting through a bit of work that's been on the back-burner because it got tricky (I am self employed and project-based so it's easy for this to overwhelm me).
Take walks outdoors, exercise better if that isn't a stressor for you. A mile's walk in the sun.
Choose to see one or two people who are genuinely nice people (top scorers!) and follow up by making a friendly gesture like a nice email.

Nothing to do with friends per se, everything to do with filling your mind with other things and replacing the bad feeling you're dwelling on.

ladyantigone I probably didn't explain what my friend is doing all that well but I appreciate what you're saying. I haven't actually scored anyone as yet....just thought it was an interesting idea. Guess it's the same as saying 'drift away from people that are shits' but more formalised?

I wouldn't say I am depressed or in a particularly bad way at all really. However I do sometimes find myself giving to much thinking time to things that are negative.

You're right about doing things though. When I do do stuff I don't dwell as much so thank you...i'll try to do more.

Maybe I misworded my OP - but any and all tips are welcome!

I know, it's something we all do in different ways and is part of the ebb and flow of friendships. I just thought that actually giving a score - especially if you're a bit down anyway - could lead to much more negative feeling than you need to have.

I know that I tend to fixate on the way one person has treated me or my children, if I am feeling really down. It might not reflect what the person is really like or is going through at that time. It's a signal to stop seeing that person for the moment (for me, anyway) and to get on top of things mentally.

Wendy's?

I don't give people a score. However, because I'm naturally quite easy-going, I do apply various tests to individuals and situations which can be summed up as 'am I happy about this?'. I then find, if the answer is 'no', that being assertive and expressing myself clearly makes me feel much far better than keeping quiet and rolling over. I don't drop friends, therefore, but some choose to drop me :)

Remember that while you're obsessing about what other people think of you, they're at home obsessing about what you think of them. Basically everyone has insecurities no one is perfect and no one has the right to make anyone else feel bad about themselves. Very few people actually care much about you and hopefully those few people have your best interests at heart. Everyone else is too busy with their own lives to give much of a shit so don't imagine that anyone has really noticed how fat/thin/tired/old you look or that they will actually remember that stupid thing you said. Pretty much everyone is just bumbling along trying their best. Give them and yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Thank you CailinDana - that makes a lot of sense.

I couldn't possibly work on scores.

Some people I just gel with, with others I start creating antibodies to and do limit my interaction spontaneously.
But it doesn't mean that I'll spend a lot more time with those I gel with. It depends on circumstances.