Think i need to break up with him but finding it hard

[Yogagirl17]

Been seeing this man for about 2 1/2 months. We're both divorced, 40s, DCs. I've done a bit more dating than him since my divorce but this is the first "relationship" either of us has been in post marriage. He's a lovely, lovely man. He's kind & considerate, I really enjoy his company & I'm attracted to him, BUT....I keep feeling like he wants more than I can give him and it makes me feel like pushing him away. There's a neediness in him that I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with. That's not his fault - I've had a rough time the last couple of years and I think I'm still in a place emotionally where I find it hard to look after someone else's needs.

I told him about a month ago that I DO like him and I DO want to be with him (and definitely not seeing anyone else), but that I was finding it hard to deal with his constant questioning (Are you happy? Are we ok? Do you still like me? Do you still fancy me? etc..). He was totally cool about this and said he understood. He assured me he knew it was early days and there was no pressure and he would ease off with the questions. Phew.

Then over the last few weeks I've getting the sense that his feelings are getting more serious. There was an invite to spend xmas with his family, wanting to introduce me to his DCs, mention of a wee holiday together after the new year and quite a few subtle, indirect 'I love yous' (but in a way I didn't have to respond to, like singing it while he was cooking). This has all totally freaked me out. Plus added to a new barrage of questions (What's wrong? Why did you sigh? Are you ok? Are we ok? Do you still like kissing me? When can I see you again? When can we go away together?) And the fact that I don't want to answer all these questions makes him feel more insecure. Argh.

This all left me feeling like I DON'T want to keep seeing him. Except when i told him how I felt, he again said exactly the right things - early days, no pressure, no one's falling in love yet (really? cause I think he is and just doesn't want to say it), if you're still enjoying my company then great, if not I understand etc etc. Which has thrown me into a spin!

On the one hand, I do enjoy his company and the thought of never seeing him again makes me sad. He is a grown up who is responsible for his own feelings. So if I'm honest with him and he is happy to just back off a bit we could carry on. On the other hand, If i know in my heart that I don't feel the same way that he does and that we're just going to end up back in this same position a few weeks from now, maybe I really do have to end it now.

Help please oh wise MN!

Ending it might be the only way to show him you really mean what you say.

Sounds like you need to let him down gently tbh. It's a bit full on and you're clearly not ready for that. Not really fair on him to keep him hanging on - in his head it's promising that you will reciprocate sooner or later. Whereas from the sound of it, he's putting you off him with this behaviour!

When I heard the constant 'are you happy?' questions my toes curled, I'm afraid, because I've met this type before. He sounds incredibly insecure, constantly seeking approval and it's like a pushy salesman ie. the more you nod and say 'yes' and reassure him that you like him, the more you feel obliged to buy the product at the end of the day. He may be a genuine bloke with a big insecurity problem or he may be emotionally manipulative (which was my experience, sadly). Either way, he's trying to rush you along at a speed you're not comfortable with, he's not respecting your wishes and I suggest you to call a big 'time-out' and think about whether it's worth continuing.

He is definitely the former (genuine but insecure guy).

I told him yesterday that I wasn't sure how I felt and didn't think I could give him what he was looking for. I also told him how all the questions were making me feel. But I couldn't quite bring myself to say I wanted to end it. He's told me to take some time to think about what I want and we will speak again in a few days. Don't know what I want. :(

If you're not sure how you feel the chances are a) your feelings are being manipulated and b) he's probably not right for you. It's very flattering to be wanted but, if it's too full-on and it's bothering after just a few weeks, trust your judgement and err on the side of 'nice knowing you'.

Had a horrible thought yogagirl17 .. Are you seeing my ex?

I am kidding, of course, but it rings very true. It was the part when you says he sings 'I love you' when cooking.... Anyway, good luck, whatever you decide.

Just because he's a nice man doesn't mean you have to stay with him, you know. There's even such a thing as being "too nice". The older you get (or more accurately in your situation, the older he gets) the more tendency there is to cling on in case this is the last chance for romance; but really, if it's not working for you - good bits notwithstanding - it's kinder, in the long run, to set him free to find someone who may not only not mind the lost puppy act but even think it's cute.

Don't go sending him in my direction, though, as it would do my head in after about half a day.

Ugh, I would hate to feel smothered and pressured like this

You have given him fair warning and it seems he can't or won't stop

Dump him, nicely but firmly

Lol redundant - where do u live?

So I'm not just cold and heartless for not coping with the lost puppy thing??

You know yesterday I told him I didn't know what I wanted. But I realise writing this that I already told him what I wanted and he just isn't getting it. That's not good, is it?

Oop north

You're not cold and heartless. This is only a 10-week thing and, whilst he's probably a nice guy, you can't stick around just because you don't want to hurt his feelings.

Ah. Well I was going to write out a long involved post, but you've told him what you want, and he isn't getting it. That's the crux really.

The clinginess and questions would drive me mad, too - but I know some people who would love it and feel reassured by it. I'd say this is a big sign you're not compatible in that respect.

My sister, who dumped one of those not long ago for similar reasons, wants to know whether he has a mother still living, and if so, does he call her every day?

"The clinginess and questions would drive me mad, too - but I know some people who would love it and feel reassured by it. I'd say this is a big sign you're not compatible in that respect."

I started to like him precisely because he wasn't all alpha-male but maybe the fact that I'm really NOT loving this side of him means I've gone too far in the other direction. I do enjoy his company but I just can't do all the (emotional) hand-holding he seems to need. So does that = not compatible?

Annie Erm...mum lives nearby and I believe they are close but definitely does not phone her every day! Doesn't come across as a mummy's boy if that's what the question is about. Just think he's insecure - either about himself or about relationships in general, haven't quite worked out which. Maybe a bit of both.

I was seeing one of these last year. Dumped him after a few weeks. I already have two kids, didn't want another!

Lol nothing like a few hours on MN to gain a bit of perspective !

"So does that = not compatible?"

Yes. Compatible isn't a rational 'gentlemen of the jury may I direct you to Exhibit A' business ... it's an intangible and highly personal feeling about whether you're a good fit with someone or not. If you feel suffocated already, you're probably incompatible. Next thing he'll be knitting you matching sweaters.

I once dumped someone because he did nothing but pander to me. Every sodding time. Which restaurant shall we go to? What wine looks nice? Do you think we should bring back hanging or just shoot the bastards?.... 'Whatever you think is right dear'. Aargh...

Gah...Ok, ok I have to do it, don't I? I guess I knew that when I started the thread, I'm still just working up the courage. Partly because I don't want to hurt him and partly because part of me wonders if I'm an idiot for chucking such a lovely man. Will I be kicking myself when the next 6 guys I meet are all assholes and I'm just wanting that "nice guy" back??

(redundant...how far north??)

If he doesn't make your juices flow, that's it really isn't it ?

You can't force it.

So....I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. But we talked, and I was brutally honest with him. I told him that I really do like him and I enjoy spending time with him but that I absolutely could not offer or promise any more than that right now - no meeting the family or planning holidays etc. I also told him how much all the questions were doing my head in and that while I understand he's just looking for a bit of reassurance all it does is make me want to shut down/back off. And he seems to be completely fine with all of this. He says there's absolutely no pressure to move things along and that the next time he asks me if I'm happy or if we're ok I can just tell him to shut it.

I'm still a little worried we're going to end up right back here again a few weeks from now but I'd like to give it one more try. I don't know - maybe he is just telling me what I want to hear but he's a big boy, I've been honest with him, now he'll have to be responsible for his own feelings.

I struggled with someone like this last year too and am a bit ashamed to say that in the end I sent him a dear john text and dumped his arse

He got really shitty then which made me realise I had done the right thing!