As an ex wife, i finally have the proof leopards do not change their spots and i made the right choice.

[Leopardprintsock]

Not that i didnt know before, but its hard being a single parent, im so skint and life is very much a juggling act. Ive not had any relationships with men for years while he has remarried.

However, i am almost certain he is cheating on her..... so i know that i made the right choice, because he would never ever change.

I will never have to have that feeling, when your world gets pulled out from under you, that stomach dropping, heart pounding feeling... and while my life might be hard, i would never go back.

His new wife might have been the result of his last affair... but shes not his last affair....

Schadenfreude in the circumstances is tempting but not very elevating.

oh.it is elevating.

he made me homeless twice. took all my money.left me with nothing.

crushed my self worth from years of abuse and affairs.

to know that i was strong enough to leave.... and accept a life of a single parent....

and then to wonder how it was so different for his new wife... who started as an affair when we were married.

except its not. hes still a cheating fuck.

and i made the right choice.

and i will be happy as this news confirms it.

I can really empathise with the horrible situation you experienced but gaining happiness through something related to his life isn't very healthy for you..

yes it is.

he didnt have just one affair... he had years of them. YEARS. So many women.

It was always my fault, i was told i wasnt this.. or this, i needed to be more like x or x. look like x be like x.

I knew it wasnt true, but you carry that around with you.

Nothing has happened to him, his wife doesnt even know. BUT, for me to know ( and this has come out of the blue to me) means that it really was him, not me.

And thats lifted a huge weight that i didnt even know i was carrying.

Leopardprint I know exactly what you mean.

It really is him not you, and you can finally believe that. A toast to your new freedom.

Good luck to you! YOU are hurting nobody.

I'm glad you now believe yourself that the only person responsible for his behaviour his him. sometimes you can logically know something, but until something like this happens, you don't truely believe it.

Worth thinking about, will your DCs be due to see him this weekend? If it's going to come out soon, you might want to make sure they are away from the fall out. (Does he have DCs with the new wife? It might be down to you to help your DCs keep a relationship with their half-siblings)

yes, while i 'knew' it was him, you still sort of carry it around and it manisfests sometimes.

Now i 'KNOW' it really was him.

It also explains his behaviour as he has been kicking off a lot at me recently and i ended up with a womans aid referal because of it.

DD isnt due to see him for 2 weeks, i dont expect it will come out any time soon and i dont expect there will be much fall out... his wife will stay ( as i did.... hes a very good manipulator) and they have no children.

Hes just a shit. Its telling that he was meant to be spending yesterday with his mother ( whos husband recently died) and has just been diagnosed with a heart problem.... and it was his first weekend seeing DD for a month.... that instead he had his OW come over in the night ( to his marital home), spend the night and then the day with DD and him.

I get it too - it's not about "see how she likes them apples", which is a bit unhealthy as others said, but about validation for you. Too many people believe that old chestnut that if a man has an affair it's because his wife didn't take good enough care of him; you might even have partly believed it yourself. Now you know it wasn't that. In any case you are denied the luxury of not knowing or caring what is going on in your ex's life, since he has chosen to carry it out in the presence of his/your child. Which is frankly pretty naff.

It's small consolation after all the grief he gave you but it's not like the thought of finding out he's still at it was the thing that kept you going. You drew on reserves of strength and got on with raising your DC and no doubt living the best life you can. People like him go through life leaving a trail of destruction behind them. They are quite often the life and soul of the party, Mr Popular. At the back of your mind you might have had the lingering feeling others thought you and your 'defects' somehow drove him into the arms of OW. You knew better, and now it's confirmed. Maybe in some way it will give you confidence to try a fresh relationship with someone else.

Draw a line under it, and move on serenely.

indeed i will :)

and no, its not like ive been waiting for it... at all, its out of the blue and no i dont care how she feels at all, i have no feelings regarding her.

yes he was/is the life and soul, mr popular. She wasnt the only OW, there were maybe 15-20 odd in a 10 year period but of course in the back of my mind i did feel that it was maybe me, especially as he had remarried so quickly.

But now i finally know it really wasnt me, and all this weight that i didnt know i was carrying has just lifted.

I am glad for you that you found your closure, no matter how it came about. Looking after no. 1 is the priority now.

it has been since the day i kicked him out.

I didnt even know i was waiting for any closure, ive had no regrets.

Its just a validation that i did the right thing, and that every struggle has been worth it and will continue to be.

And that all the abuse, the years of shit.... nothing..... none of it was because of me. which i knew, but to have confirmation of that. It makes me very happy ( and a bit emotional)

Indeed. Good for you

Good grief let it go

kilmur - no need to be rude.

If you dont understand what its like, then fair enough. But no need to belittle me.

This man was vile to me, he started cheating on me 6 weeks after we married. He was abusive to me in every way, sexually, physically, emotionally, financially.

The affairs were always my fault, the first of which becuse i wouldnt let him have sex with a prostitue and watch but this woman would.

i got out, even though it took years, ive fought tooth and nail and my life is hard. I cant have more children and threw away my last chance when i was with him.... im skint, im single and lonely, ive lost my career.

he remarried and seeminly had it all. To know that in fact thats not the case, and hes still an arse... makes a huge difference and validates my choice.

It's often shocking when you find out something like this and do realise you hadn't got closure yet until you actually get it.

Hope it'll help you move on now.

OP, you don't need to explain how much this relationship affected you. Perhaps people who haven't been subject to such appalling treatment simply don't understand. That is a good thing, obviously (for them) but it seems very unkind to come on a thread and try to belittle the experiences of people who have

I am not saying this is the case for you, OP, but many people suffer such problems as PTSD for many years after getting out of some horrendous situations. I, for one, still have flashbacks (very occasionally now, thankfully) about some stuff that happened 30 years ago ! It's normal. Not helpful, obviously, but certainly normal.

thank you.

I can totally see why you'd feel vindicated. I'm glad that you have this closure at last.

However, you say he had this OW round when your DD was there?? I'd be very, very wary of letting her get involved in that situation. Firstly, he is clearly not concentrating on time with his daughter if he's busy using it as a chance to get his leg over, and secondly, if the wife came back or there was any confrontation, then DD is in the middle of it. PLUS DD now knows his dirty secret, and she could either say this to the wrong person (depending on how old she is) or realise what is going on and start accepting horrible things as normal.

And how old is your DD, who is going round to the house of the violent, sexually abusive man? That sounds concerning too.

I can understand you feeling the way you do when he chipped away at your confidence in the way he did, after a while I am sure even the strongest person would have moments of " is it my fault"

You dont come across as if you have been waiting for this moment or glad its happened to you too bitch so I can't see how anyone could perceive this as being damaging for you or unnatural.

What goes around comes around.

I'd just try to keep you and your DD away from the fallout if his wife finds out.

shes 7.

yes i know it is concerning. Hes not been violent towards her ever...... he was very agressive towards me the other week and i cancelled contact on the basis it wasnt safe for DD to go into that enviroment. Ive since had an appt with womens aid and their solicitor and i know what i can and cant do.

I have no proof of whats going on... theres little i can do at this point.

lunatic - oh dear. I understand that ( miine also pulled one on me financially.... in utterly broke and on my arse and have been for years... and will be for years)

it helps, like you say, closes those final niggles.