Surviving Cancer ....... but struggling to survive a break up

[Joywillcome]

Hi,

Today I really need some encouragement.

I was in a relationship with my ExP for 8 years. I had a DS from a previous (abusive) relationship and my ExP took him on as his own when DS was 1, they have a great relationship and he is a wonderful father, we also had a DD who is now 2. We never lived together for several reasons and the children mainly live with me.

Our relationship was far from perfect, he believed he was better than me (intellectually/culturally etc) and over the years he had 2 EA - the latest with his exgirlfriend of 10 years ago - who he got back in touch with on FB in June. Still denies it was an EA and that they are just really good friends (sending txt with a heart saying 'thinking of you' at 7.30am is not what friends do IMO or going to a concert and arranging for her to travel 3hrs to meet him - forgetting to mention any of this to me).

Anyway - in Feb I found out I had breast cancer (aged 39), my world fell apart and for the first 3 days he was wonderful. Then we had an argument and basically things went done hill from that moment. It was half term and he took the children to his mothers for the week - leaving me on my own and waiting for the hospital results to find out what type of cancer it was.

From that moment I went to every appointment without him (my choice) - even though we were still together.

It was an awful time - I had a mastectomy and other treatment, I am now waiting for breast reconstruction. The thing is - we officially split up in September after returning from a family holiday that was booked before I was diagnosed, my question is ....................

............... WHY do I miss him so much when he made the whole cancer thing so much harder and hurt me over and over again. To make it worse we work for the same organisation and I am supposed to be going back to work soon, just don't want to see him everyday either.

I looked cancer in the eye and fought for my life ...... how come I feel so weak and sad about the break up?

(sorry for spelling - I'm dyslexic)

Spelling is fine, don't worry.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

Fighting for your life and surviving... you have to be very single minded. I suspect that now you are coming out the other side of that terrible experience you have the headspace to grieve your lost relationship and that is what you are doing now. He sounds like a partner not worth having - EAs and so unsupportive when you went through your diagnosis and treatment.

That doesn't mean it isn't normal to grieve the relationship. I was keen to leave my difficult, critical husband and completely blindsided by the grief I ended up feeling. You have had to face a frightening diagnosis, traumatic treatment and now a world-view that is changed. I wanted to be on my own but found myself looking at white-haired little couples and feeling pained that I would not be in one of those with my husband, that I didn't know what the future held or what life would be like for me at that age.

You've had a lot to deal with and often these things take us unawares. My mum had breast ca this year. She was incredibly strong and cheerful throughout the treatment and surgery but had a bit of a crash afterwards. She had time to reflect on it all, not just being focused on getting through each day as she was when it was all happening.

I hope you are feeling more positive soon, you have done very well :)

I don't know if you have or had much support during your cancer journey (like a Macmillan nurse) but I would urge you to use what support is available to help you through the break up too. You are a whole person, not just a cancer patient and there is nothing odd about other, more complex problems coming to the fore now.

Thank you ........ for such a kind hearted reply. I do hope your mum is doing well now and will continue with good health.

It really caught me today. The half term has been hard as it seems such a family time. I put my two children in the car today after lunch and drove to the nearest beach - 2hrs away, just to get out. It was raining and we were walking hand in hand along the beach and I just wanted to fall to my knees and cry. luckily the rain and wind hid the tears rolling down my face. What you say makes a lot of sense - everyday is not consumed with cancer and treatment any more, that I now feel lost with my emotions. How can I still miss someone who hurt me in such a cruel way SO much. I just want to feel normal and loved.

Half terms, high days and holidays are hard when the family unit has changed. FWIW I am a year separated and I had whole weekends I spent crying and hardly able to get out of bed. That has all passed now.

It's lovely that you took your children to the beach for a walk in the rain but being near the sea can be a bit of a wistful place. I find that quite difficult since I separated because I remember seaside holidays with my husband and children when they were younger.

I get the impression that you are exasperated with yourself for the feelings you have but you should accept them as being normal and not a reflection of any weakness on your part. These things take months to process... not years but months. I never thought I could be happy again after my separation but I am now and so will you be. You are completely normal!

I'm bumping this and hoping someone else can come along and offer the OP some support...

My darling girl I can understand fully. We are vulnerable when we are ill, more lonely than when we are fit and well. It means you are a lovely person.

You will be well and you will be loved.