Has anyone moved on after infidelity without counselling?

[Notnastypasty]

My DH had an affair. Found out 3 months ago and we have talked it to death ever since. I needed to do this and know all the detail but have got to the stage where it's making me feel crap to keep going over it and getting upset. I think we have had finally had a breakthrough this week where we can both see what lead to this and to move forward.

We have counselling booked this week, first session and am thinking of postponing. Not sure I want to rake through it all again or if it will cause more confusion, etc.

I wouldn't rule it out in the future but thinking it may not be helpful right now? Has anyone successfully moved on after an affair without counselling?

I don't think it is always necessary to have counselling. However, it IS pretty fundamental that you have some self-awareness, the ability to be honest, and a willingness to assume responsibility for your own actions.

If your H genuinely feels he doesn't know why he did what he did, then he is lacking self-awareness, is possibly being dishonest and if he wants to cancel counselling without having an alternative method in mind to deal with this he's abdicating responsibility (he's basically saying "I don't know why I did it and I'm not going to find out in order to prevent it happening again either").

You may have had problems in your marriage before his affair and some of those may be faults of your own. However, that is quite separate to his affair. Do not confuse the two issues. Affairs can happen in the most happy relationships, and likewise the worst relationships may be characterised by fidelity.

Never mind what your friends and family say - they don't know what really went on. Your feelings of having been unloved are valid - do not let others dismiss these. Its so easy to put on a front of being attentive and loving in front of an audience.

So he is saying he doesn't know why he did it but he can't be arsed to do the work to find out.

I wouldn't be happy with that.

If you don't feel ready for counselling, or don't want it, then don't. I found it really helpful, but with hindsight I think I was really looking for someone to help me admit that I didn't want to work at the marriage and that it was ok to tell my DH that it was over. He, on the other hand, refused counselling and I think that was because although he professed to be keen on saving our marriage he was actually still in contact with the OW. So obviously counselling is not a universal panacea. You could just wait until you think it would be helpful to you, either alone or together.

If you take responsibility for his affair you are pretty much letting him off the hook and giving him permission to do it again. It sounds like he like this plan, what with still denying that he knows why he's done it. Of course he knows. Its just better if you take responsibility and then you can't dump him can you.