Would NC with MIL be a step too far?

[DaleyBump]

This will be long and boring. There's a lot of history here, too. Sorry.

I've been with DP for 4 years, since I was 14. Over the years, I've tried really hard to get along with his mum but she makes it incredibly difficult. She disliked me from the moment she met me. In the past 4 years, she's lied about me and my family, screamed at me, threatened to call the police because I was 15 and DP was 16 at one point in our relationship , stolen from us, lied to us... there's more but I don't really want to go into it.

DP had an awful childhood. His parents neglected him and his brother and he now sees my parents like his own. He's turned into a fantastic young man, which is just amazing considering the environment he grew up in.

DP and I are getting married on Tuesday and I'm 36 weeks pregnant with our first child. Throughout my pregnancy I've tried harder than ever to get along with his mum so that our little boy will have a relationship with his gran but it's just becoming too stressful.

None of his family are coming to the wedding (they're not close, at all) and only my very close family are. It's how we both wanted it to be but MIL won't leave him alone. She keeps texting and calling him with all kinds of profanities and threats and although he's keeping a straight face, I can tell he's really upset about it.

She usually calls him about 20-30 times a day (while he's at work/uni) then texts him with all kinds of accusations and awful language because he hasn't picked up, even though she knows he can't. He's the most laid back, kind, thoughtful person I know and it really does upset him. I've never, in the whole time I've known him, seen him lose his temper and he completely doesn't deserve the abuse he receives from his mum.

We hardly have any contact with his mum now (apart from the abusive texts she sends him) and I was wondering if it would just be best to go no-contact. It's not that we don't want a relationship with her (we are in regular contact with his gran (MIL's mum) and his dad) but I'm now at the stage where I don't want her to have any contact with our little boy at all. Is that just too harsh? She's not once asked about my pregnancy, doesn't know when I'm due (we told her, she's "forgotten". She doesn't care) and I honestly think she doesn't care about DP either. Which is really awful.

And advice would be appreciated, sorry it's so long and badly worded

It probably would be best to give this woman a wide berth because she sounds seriously damaged & damaging. But you and your DP (especially your DP) have to think it through properly, think about all the implications and work out a plan that you can both live with. She sounds very persistent so, for example, are you prepared to contact the police if the abusive texts don't stop? Will you be able to keep a relationship with his Dad and Gran if you are avoiding her, will they support you, or will they have to be collateral damage? It's all those kinds of things you have to consider. Good luck

Well, congratulations on your pregnancy and your upcoming marriage. It sounds like your fiancé is lucky to have found you as you sound very fair and reasonable to me.

Of course you don't want to expose your baby to this dreadful woman. Who would? Can your fiancé not just change his mobile number? Seriously, what benefit is there to any of you staying in contact with her?

Having a baby is wonderful and joyous but it brings it's own stresses and throwing this dreadful MIL into the mix will not help you.

How do you think he will feel about it though? Can you just go NC yourself for you and the little one? If he really wishes to remain in contact with her despite the abuse there is nothing you can do. However, please be wary of the emotional rush you will get when your baby arrives. You and your fiancé may suddenly feel all benevolent towards MIL as your are overwhelmed with love and happiness. Leave it a few days before making any decisions about contact.

You sound lovely and I wish you well.

Thank you for the kind wishes.

Glad I'm not overreacting. I meant to say, MIL and FIL split up a while ago and we're in frequent contact with FIL and his partner. His gran would be more difficult to keep contact with but I think we could manage it - he's really close with her and does a lot for her. I'm not sure he would be prepared to contact the police but I think he might if it persisted for a while after we stopped contact with her.

Ursula I think he would be relieved more than anything. I didn't even consider the emotional rush when the little one is born. Should I let her meet him when he's born or just not at all?

Thank you both for the advice, much appreciated :)

When my DS was very new - 3 weeks - he needed an operation. I remember handing him over to the (lovely) surgeon, looking the man in the eye and telling him that I trusted him to do a good job but woe betide him if anything happened to my baby. I was quite serious too. I think, alongside the great love you feel for your DCs, wanting to protect them from harm trumps everything. You won't want this vicious woman anywhere near him.

You're right. My poor DP, though. He's going to find it so difficult keeping his mum away from his son.

How is your DS now? Hope the operation went well.

He's an enormous 13yo now so the operation is now no more than an interesting scar. I didn't have to kill the surgeon after all. Thanks :)

Your DP experienced neglect and abuse at the hands of his DM and he really won't want that for his own DS. However, you're right, he will feel a sense of obligation towards his DM because he's a decent man and she's his mother.

It boils down to control. His DM is trying to control the relationship at the moment with the offensive texts etc. It's the only access point she has... like someone banging on your window shouting 'let me in'. By denying her access, you retain control and that's good. What you could say to DP is that you leave her out of the picture for the birth and the first few months with your new baby. Get yourself settled, confident and in a good routine etc. Then review the situation. Judge her latest behaviour, see if there's any route to contact that can be on your terms and where you can retain control.

My own late grandmother was abusive to my DM growing up. After a terrible scene at my parents' wedding they dropped contact. Or rather my DF said 'she'll never darken our door' but my DM still put in the occasional phone-call. It resulted in a lot of arguments which is why I'm suggesting you retain a little flexibility. Difficult balance