Is this normal? Am I in the wrong here?

[grapelovingweirdo]

Bit of background first, as I don't want to drip feed. I have been with my DP for four years and we have lived together for most of that time.

He's a lovely person with a lot of qualities and I am absolutely besotted with him. Sounds a bit sick inducing but I adore him and think that, with exception of what I'm about to say, that he could be my "one".

I have a couple of problems really. The first one is that he is still married. I found this out after a year and a half of being told he was divorced. Two and a half years later, despite lots of promises, this remains unchanged.

The second problem is sex. This is actually very hard to type as I'm quite a private person and I have only ever been with one other person and that was for a long time.

Is it normal that he always seems to be obsessed with it? Seriously, it's been less than 24 hours since we...you know, and all he has done is grab me and make comments saying how much he is looking forward to having a piece of me later.

He's been pressuring me to (I'm so sorry if this is tmi) do it in a certain way I am really not comfortable with and I have felt railroaded into promising him I will. I regret this.

Now I used to have a lot of issues around sex but being with my DP has hot rid of a lot of those as he is, on the whole, lovely and very caring.

I just called him up on grabbing my boob in front of his 13 year old daughter and he called me frigid.

Am I just pissing into the wind here?

On the plus side, he is loyal, very loving and caring, extremely generous and someone I would literally trust with my life.

Help!!! Sorry again for the tmi.

I once had a guy who wanted anal (I hate it too).

I just said, why don't you go visit one of my gay friends. That shut him up.

OP, you know you really do have the right to say no to anything that makes you uncomfortable. Even if previously intimated that it could happen.

And as for groping you in front of his daughter....

I would have dumped him on finding he'd been deceitful (married).

You know grape whenever there's a thread about someone being pressurised into something they dont want to do, it always turns out to be anal. It's like a script.

I'm all for everyone doing whatever they want as long as they are comfortable ?ith it. It I don't understand why anyone would want the partner they love and care for to be uncomfortable with something which they do together which should be a manifestation of their feelings for each other.

The only conclusion I can draw in these cases is that these men are deeply flawed and selfish and it's a sign of what they will be like long term. Sorry.

Anal does not make you shit liquid though. Ffs.

I honestly don't know how this man can be described as lovely from your OP, grape. He sounds absolutely hideous.

As for groping you in front of your daughter - that's very worrying. He's claiming his 'territory' to remind you - and your daughter - of your place in his mind's hierarchy.

The description of this relationship raises red flags for me. I am particularly concerned that he thinks that it is acceptable to carry out (albeit mild) sexual acts in front of his underage child, effectively forcing her to be an unwilling participant in his sex life. Imagine - if you saw your friend's husband grab her breast it might make you feel a bit weird and awkward, but your dad doing it is a whole new level of ick. I'm also a bit concerned that when you raise valid concerns with him, such as this incident you describe, he attempts to blame you. He won't take responsibility for his actions.

From the rest of your description he sounds like a sexually aggressive bully, trying to force you to do things he wants in the bedroom and not respectful of your needs. I'm sorry, but from your description I can't find any redeeming features.

What positives do you feel he brings to the relationship?

rhonda , do let the OP what it does involve then. Make it all shiney and nice.

*his daughter, I mean.

but don't we all have the right to autonomy over our own bodies?

You said it yourself, right there

This man gropes you inappropriately and then calls you frigid when you tell him not to

He has pressurised you into agreeing a sexual practice you don't want to do

he has lied to you and hooked you into living with him based on untruths. You say you have been with him for 4 years and living with him for most of that time. Why did you move in together so quickly and whose house is it ? Who pushed that agenda ?

he sounds like someone who doesn't like you, and all women, very much at all despite his "Good Guy" image

I think you should think very, very carefully about whether he is partner material at all, and I reckon his reaction to you reneging your agreement to let him penetrate you anally will tell you all you need to know

@Unlikely... anal sex is quite normal between consenting adults and it really doesn't result in bucket-like bumholes and leakage. I think you were being unnecessarily alarmist. The OP doesn't want to engage and doesn't need silly scare stories.

Ask him if he'll agree to you sticking a dildo up his arse and xxxxxxx him
roughly from behind? You'll soon see if you have a balanced fair relationship or a selfish one sided one!

Sex is generally pretty weird in any configuration. The important thing is that the participants are consenting and enjoy whatever it is they're doing. No one should constantly push you to do anything you don't want to do in the bedroom - ESPECIALLY if you have a history of abuse!

A piece of you? This man has no respect for you. You're a hole. I'm so sorry. He's certain not to change :(

He can't wait to have a piece of you?

What a knob.

You're absolutely right. I think I just felt like I was being a bit of a stick in the mud by keeping saying no. It's a bit of a sore point with me after four years of being with this man. He will be satisfied in the morning and raring to go after an hour. I can't keep up! I'm a three times a week person, he would go twice a day if I let him.

My self esteem is pretty shot to shit at the moment

What are you going to do, love ?

I don't know, I really don't. I think I need to get out though. It will break me as I really do love him as a person and he has many redeemable qualities. I'm just not sure if they are enough

You are not a stick in the mud, and don't let him tell you that you are

Anal sex may be part of some people's relationships, especially a mutually respectful one. I think a tiny part of you realises that is not what you have here, and doing this one thing would make you even more vulnerable thatn you already are. I also suspect your hitherto suppressed concerns about this bullying man are contributing your depression and lack of self esteem.

Trust your instincts, love. You posted here. That was a Good Move. I hope you have had your Lightbulb Moment.

Decide you will no longer tolerate any of it. Your self esteem will thank you for it.

Why did you move in together so quickly ? You didn't say.

Does he say he "wants a piece of you"??

Oh my god, he sounds exactly like my ex. Having major flashbacks now.

I only found out he was still married 6 months into the relationship, I thought he was divorced. We were together for 6 years and despite his mum finding out his wive's address etc, he still didn't get divorced. He even convinced me to lie to my parents about it as they weren't too happy that he was still married. He knew how much it hurt that he was still married to someone else but. Still refused to do anything about it.

He was (probably still is a nurse) and everyone thought he was lovely, however, he would just wear his marvellous face at work and be a twat at home.

I would often wake up in the middle of the night to find him having sex with me

He was abusive in so many sly, little ways, eg if he was making a cup of tea, he would sneak up behind me and burn my neck with the hot spoon.
Whenever I challenged him on his twattish behaviour, he would say "well if you don't like it, run away", then he would sulk for weeks afterwards.
Thankfully, I did leave and am now very happy, with a lovely partner and a little boy.

I can see the bright red flags so clearly, I really hope you are not with my ex.

Sorry for the long post.

There is a thread somewhere here called "Red flags I should have heeded" I will try to find it for you.

He's starring in his own porn movie mammadiggingdeep... I bet he says worse than that.

red flags

I don't think it's the same guy shaky but you gave me chills!!

Sorry for forgetting to answer the question earlier, we moved in really quickly together because I was living with my ex and things got a little weird. Ideally, we would have dated for longer first

Be prepared for him to follow the script when you end it.

Either the crying suicidal begging and promising stuff,

or the angry sulking refusing to budge you-move-out stuff.

Either way, get him out of your hair.

Do not get pregnant before then.

You have a big lovely life ahead of you. Go live it, without this immature whining old fecker pawing and clawing at bits of you you'd rather tuck away in a nice pair of warm comfy sports pants.

Tell your friends about his need for anal too. Just so's they know.