why do I feel I have to be in a relationship?

[crimsonhair]

I have problem and am hoping you can share your opinions with me - am a bit ashamed of it so name changed but I am regular on this site.
I guess the main question is - how do I find the way out of silliness of wanting to be in a relationship when I really don't need one.
This is some kind of obsession I need to perhaps go for councelling to understand further.
I would welcome any comments and suggestions from you - I am sure I would be able to learn something from you wise lot.

A bit of background....
I am a fairly successful in my job, earn enough money to support myself and my 2 teenager kids. I have good relationship with them and no real issues apart from messy bedrooms :)
I work in male dominated industry but never looked for relationship there - I think it's healthy to keep work and romantic life separate. I think this is very well received by my male colleagues as I never flirt with any and they know where they stand with me.

I was married for 12 years, we split, separated and after 2 years he moved out so now I am with my kids. He sees them, takes them for holidays etc. We get on quite well. I am past making comments on him in front of my kids - no drama there.

I realized I have horrible addiction...
Very deep somewhere I have this conviction that I need to be, have to be in a relationship.
It took few months to get over split with my ex but within few months I was on dating sites. I've had quite few dates and am really bored of going to them.
I've also had 3 short relationships. Last ended in June.
I spend too much time looking up profiles and corresponding/chatting with guys online. I don't have any other addiction - I don't smoke, drink only socially. Never really at home - maybe a bottle of cider a month if that.
However on my father's side there were amy alcoholics - maybe this IS my addiction?
I feel heartbroken if someone stops replying even though I know that is expected - not everyone is going to be interested in talking to me. I have hight standards so I am not going to settle for someone just because they fancy me.

I am not a good catch - 2 kids, 47, not in a great shape, but am good company, have lots of interests and can hod good conversation.

I think one of roots of my "need" to be in a relationship (even though looking at numbers I have been supporting myself for most of my grown up life) is my background.
I was brought up by my grandparents. That generation assumed man was making decisions, so my granny never worked in a job outside of the house. She was a dress maker and was earning money that way. Granndad worked full-time as an Engineer. He wasn't earning enough for my granny not to work. Yet it was him who always made all decisions re. money etc.

In my marriage I was the decision maker and my ex was happy with that. When I was a teenager and a single grown up I was able to always decide on what I do and how I go on about it.
Yet there's this stupid feeling that I am missing on something, that I need to find guy for companionship...
I grew up abroad (a forriner here :) ) and came to England over 20 years ago. I live in London, have few friends but no one locally where I live. I like my own company and even though I am very sociable person found it very hard to make friends here locally. As I always worked full time I hardly ever collected my kids and never made friends with mums at the school gates. I have no idea where to find them here.

Few years ago I went to WI meetings few times but then my work pattern changed and I couldn't attend them any more.
My work&commute takes at least up to 12 hours of my day, I often am simply too exhausted to go out. During the week I must be in bed by 10 as I am up at 4:30.

I know that I should look for perhaps some volunteering but honestly don't have much energy left for that and also workwise I often have to log in from home at a short notice for some training or meetings but I enjoy my job and like company I am working for so am not looking to change it at this moment.

What I'm taking from all the above is 'I'm lonely'. I don't think that makes you abnormal. We all need companionship, friendship and love. Teenagers are lovely but they have their own lives to lead. Your work/commute pattern seems to be the obvious obstacle to a better balance and that would be the aspect I'd prioritise if I were in your shoes. Live closer to work, work fewer hours, downsize & relocate, change career.... there must be some way you can free up more of your life for you so that you can socialise and stop feeling so all alone.

I think you are spot on Cogito. I sometimes felt I am but it's easy to brush that feeling under the carpet.
The only way I can change something at this stage would be to change job for another which is much closer to where I am.

I may be able to get to work one day a week from home but not sure if they agree regular 2 days a week from home pattern.

I think I may be able to find something closer to home. Commuting to London won't make it any better - usual time for commute from here is one hour if it's to the city or central L. That would be more of the same I have now. I am very fortunate now with my workplace re: money and how I feel I contribute.

Luckily I am of positive disposition so over all I am not feeling depressed. Just that feeling of missing grown up company is I suppose is what it is.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I am a foreigner too, so maybe there is some cultural aspect to feeling like you need to be with a man or in a relationship.

But I think the trick is to develop your own life that you enjoy. Well, I don't have children so my situation is slightly different. But I did get married at a very young age and basically moved from secondary school and life with parents to married life. I didn't have any independent life until now (I am 30) and I'm finding that I enjoy it!

You're probably exhaused with working and having 2 children but maybe you can try to develop the same appreciation and gain some hobbies. It's also great if you have any siblings in the area to spend time with them. Maybe take some class once a week of something you may enjoy, or go to a cultural event from your home where you can connect to new people. I really believe the idea is to force yourself a bit, even if you don't feel like it, and you will end up enjoying it in the end.

You don't sound depressed :) You just sound like you're in a self-imposed rut - probably out of necessity/habit/history - that makes socialising very difficult. Have some RL male companions and your internet date obsession will fizzle out.

Oh yes... do start flashing a few smiles about the place at work. Know what you mean about the work/romance dilemma but a HUGE number of people meet their life-partner via the office.

I agree, you sound lonely. You also sound as if you take care of your dc and work - with not much time for anything but chores, duties and responsibilities.

Besides your dc, who are you emotionally close to? Do you have good friends? What do you do for fun or to relax?

Close friends and interesting/stimulating activities and/or hobbies go a long way towards preventing loneliness. IME.

I think some of it is that humans tend to be naturally companionable creatures, and generally thrive better with other humans around, but company and friendship can offer that. Liking your own company isn't the same as never wanting any company.

The relationship side of it - there's an awful lot of pressure to be in a relationship. Society's default is couples. It's much easier to book holidays and so on as a couple rather than a single person or a family. Film and TV are always pushing the idea of couples. You do get some stories of strong single women, but quite often in films and so on, they're just not quite completely fulfilled until they've got with their Mr Darcy or modern equivalent. It can be hard to believe that being on your own is as good as all that when so much else implies otherwise.

Plus sex is usually more fun with someone else.

Being tired out all the time does make everything harder, too. I think if there's anything you can do to cut down on the commute would help - are there any options from working from home one day a week? Maybe then you could find a class which fits in with that day. I don't know what you do, so that may not be at all feasible, but it's worth considering if it is.

I have no family here. Everyone stayed where they were born :) I was the only one to move abroad.

malinaaa - I am guessing we are from the same country - if your name is inspired by our fav summer fruit...

yes, I am in a self imposed rut, obligation to my kids (luckily they are in good schools and doing well there)
I read, I like going to museums & exhibitions, Like walking wit and without my dog, I am interested in current affairs and am fairly cultured :)

I think if I had more socializing with grown-ups I would be much more content. At the moment is all done via FB, Skype, text.
Often is weeks when I don't meet any friends (I just realised that!).

Internet gives great tools for communication but is not the same.
Our office is fairly small - no more than 30 people are there regularly. Most guys are in relationships. Maybe one or two of younger one's aren't but they are at least 10-15 years younger than me :)

I work in IT, my job is fairly stimulating. I learn new stuff all the time and feel fortunate that I can be doing so and there's no end to it in ever changing technology we are using nowadays.

I MUST make more effort to be sociable. It is soo easy just sit in front of my fast and shiny laptop and chat away :)

I have few close friends, two in West London (I am in South London), one in Canada - I chat to her a lot as my morning shift overlaps with end of her day :)

Yes, the default on coupledom is something I only noticed now I am single.
Sex is also area I miss greatly. But companionship more that sex :)

Yes, raspberries!!
Well, I'm from Bosnia. But I do believe that in that whole area of Europe, people place much more emphasis on finding a man, getting married, having children, like you'll end up a complete failure if you don't have these things
I know these ideas are still rooted in the back of my mind, but I came to realise that developing your own life, interests, career, whatever, is very important. It also helps to establish yourself in a healthy relationship.
So, I wish you luck! Just enjoy your life and try to make some friends, I think you usually meet men anyway when you being to socialise more.

malinaaa - I didn't realise that Bosnian and Polish have such words in common!

I was thinking the other day with up coming 100 anniversary of the beginning of WW1 Sarajevo is going to get lots of visitors :)

I work as a translator and I've met a lot of people from Poland, there are quite a lot of things we have in common

To be honest, I haven't been back home in a few years now, I have no idea if they are planning anything but I'm sure it will be a big deal anyway.