Can anyone help? Marriage with Borderline Personality Disorder

[MordenViaBank]

NCed for anonymity. I am really struggling with my marriage and am desperate to find a way through.

My therapist suggested that I have PTSD from years of childhood emotional/physical abuse, but the possibility of BPD was also raised and from the list of criteria I feel certain I do have this. I've had 2 years of therapy, which has helped me understand the problems but I don't seem able to resolve them.

Has anyone with BPD made a happy, normal marriage work? I could really do with hearing some positive stories (and tips!), as at the moment I am feeling that my family would be better off without me.

I'm no clinician - which entitles me to comment, as a clinician should not, based on your posts. I don't think you're describing BPD. It sounds more like hypervigilance (being fearful & easily triggered) due to your PTSD, combined with a dysfunctional relationship.

Have you looked at DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) and Schema therapy? Both are treatments for BPD, and also helpful in developing a more fruitful relationship with our traumatised selves.

FWIW, I thought I had BPD, to the extent that I've been negatively diagnosed I now understand that, while I suffer deep abandonment/neglect fears, and had very weak personal boundaries, my distress was nothing like the total engulfment experienced in BPD. In short, my feelings about my marriage were rational! It was my responses that needed fixing, not my personality or my marriage. (The marriage needed ending.)

I agree with garlicbutter in that a post is not a place to get a diagnosis or therapy. A therapist isn't qualified to diagnose either & I am not convinced a diagnosis is that helpful.
Find a therapist for you - sort your head out & then you will have clarity to decide what you want from your marriage.

Thanks for all the responses. I wasn't asking anyone to diagnose on here! The therapist suggested that I look at some information about BPD and it seemed very likely I had it - I scored 8 out of 9 criteria, and it seemed to make sense of what I'd been feeling.

On the other hand - I'm not wedded to the idea of BPD if it's not helpful. Either way, I know where most of what I'm feeling comes from (specific events and patterns in my childhood). I just don't know how to overcome it. More and better therapy sounds like a good start. I thought my old therapist was great, but in the end she seemed too sympathetic to me. Many sessions were spent with her telling me that I do have it incredibly hard in quite a few areas of my life, and to be kinder to myself - which may be true but doesn't help me sort my problems out.

Interview a few - a good therapist should ask you what you are looking for & describe their style.

I found I 'grew out of' my therapists after a while. I do believe there are brilliant therapists, who would be great for an entire treatment or for life, but most have their limitations, being humans and all. When I felt like a counsellor was getting as much from our sessions as I was, I shopped around for another. The main benefit I got from the first few was sympathy & understanding - I desperately needed that at the time. They helped me learn how to give it myself, then I moved on to people who could push me to examine some issues in more depth.

I know not everybody finds it so, but Mumsnet made a fantastic companion to formal therapy - there are a lot of knowledgeable people here, capable of balancing gentleness with tough advice :)