Getting stressed and upset with dp

[Ridersofthestorm]

Can any of you lovely mumsnetters tell me if any of you work pt and how you and your dp help out at home and with the dc.

I'm getting increasing upset and stressed with my dp of 11 years regarding the above.

We currently have one dc who is 17mo, I work pt my dp works ft. Basically, I do everything! I am so tired and pissed off about it all.

I've confronted him about this so many times saying I can't do everything on my own and he needs to pull his weight. His response is, well you go to work full time and ill go part time and ill have days off!!! Days off!!! He thinks because I'am pt that I do nothing all day.

I get up everyday with my ds whilst he has a lay in all weekend not getting up until about 9:30. He then proceeds to sit on his arse staring at his phone chatting on FB to his mates. He goes out for a drink every Friday after work with his mates.
I cook, I clean, I do all the washing and putting away, I do bath and bed every night with ds too. Plus I work pt, dp shows no respect for what I do at all.
He has a very stressful job and literally just wants to come home from work and sit on his arse. Fair enough I understand that, but he has no idea I've hardly sat down all day and I am looking for a break from ds.

I think all of it stems from his mum doing everything, she wanted to and was happy to do it all. He literally hasn't had to pick up a cup or plate after himself his whole life until he met me. I've tried years of nagging to get him to do stuff, which he will but I'am so stressed with having to tell a grown man what to do. We end up arguing because of this and I am so frustrated with it all.

I love my ds so much but I don't want him growing up watching his dad doing nothing around the house. My dad was the same and I watched it work my mother into the ground with stress.

How do your partners treat you if you work pt regarding chores around the house and helping out with dc's?

Anybody?

You can't fix someone if a) they don't think they have a problem, b) they don't care about your opinion and c) there are no consequences to their actions. Your DP fits all those criteria, unfortunately and don't blame his mother.... he's a grown-up. If he lived alone he'd have to shift himself but it's easier to let you run around isn't it? The only thing you can usefully do is provide some consequences miserable enough to make him think again. Don't waste your breath 'nagging' therefore, just lay it on the line that he either shapes up or ships out.

Stop doing anything that's not for benefit of you or DS, he can make his own meals, wash his own clothes, etc...

Leave his stuff - a week of no dinner, no clean pants and unironed shirts might make him realise.

Or bedroom strike - too tired tonight dear.

Or the most practical option is to write down the chores and allocate them - eg bath and bed time is his job as is dishes plus bins for example.

We have the opposite kind of relationship. It's a partnership, we share the work fairly and look out for the other. In the past we've both had spells of being the only one working full time (with the other being the full-time parent at home or working part-time). The one working full time couldn't wait to get home and spend time with the children. And we both admitted that when we were the one at home we couldn't wait for the other to come in and give us "half an hour".

I do look at the relationships of friends, family and acquaintances in a similar position to you and think "how on earth do you get out of that situation?". It just seems such a big thing - a reflection of each person's belief about what a relationship should look like. I'm so sorry I have nothing helpful to suggest.

I've just realised that "give us half an hour" looks like a euphemism. That's not what I meant!!

When he gets in on a night, could you say something like, "right there's still X, Y and Z to do tonight. Which are you going to do?"?

I suggested this to my sister-in-law and she said that her husband doesn't come straight home, he finds things to do on the way home such as see a mate, visit his mother etc.

There are so many threads like this Riders and the advice is always the same. But hardly anyone actually takes that advice and does something about it. They just want to come here and moan about it, then carry on as normal.

What do you want to do? Do you really want things to change. Because if you do, you have to change something. Cogito's first post summed it up for you. What are you going to do?

Something? Or Nothing?

I work pt and dh works full time - runs his own business so often has stuff to do at home too.
The day s I am at home I find I do a lot of stuff like cleaning / cooking. Dh is home too late to start cooking dinner. I ll often cook stuff that can be halved, frozen and used again one of the evenings I m working.
So the evenings I work dh collects the kids from crèche one or two (he had to reorganise his work schedule for this yes but he likes to do it ) he will make supper (kids get dinner in crèche -) this might be reheats or a quick something. I train at least 3-4 evenings so he is in the house those days, if he works late or had meeting those evenigs he organises the babysitter. Equally he runs and plays football two evenings - so those evenings I stay in. Or if I have something on I organise a sitter. (Or coordinate with dh)
He tidies round the house, in the eves he will do ironing sometimes.
I m not a housekeeper - I m his partner and mother of his children. I found when the kids were younger it was probably me that did a bit more but it s more even now. I had to make an effort to step back and allow him to do stuff his way too. So I think the balance in your house needs to be addressed. If he lived by himself he would have to come home get dinner sort his clothes out tidy his place etc. If he wanted a maid e would have to employ one not marry one. Have a serious chat with him and define your boundaries. Think about leaving him to manage for a weekend with dc so he gets a taste of reality.

At the moment he has no drive to do anything around the house.
I'd figure out how much free time he gets (at home and out) and claim the same

It might involve you leaving the house for a whole day on a weekend or sitting on your arse and refer to him. If a child is hungry tell them to ask daddy. If they wake up, send them to dad.
Do not do his clothes at all.

Ultimately, though, I suspect you will have to let him know that you won't put up with it anymore and if he doesn't do a fair share you will leave. And he will definitely have to fend off for himself.
Maybe even leave for a week during his holidays and leave him to deal with the children and the house?

Thank you everyone, I knew I would get good honest replies on here.

I know something has to change, I had a bit of a melt down the other week were I told him I couldn't do everything, he listened and did start to do things. But he's still not entirely getting it and slips back, it's only when I go bonkers that he reacts. I have weeks of it all building up and me being a very unhappy person snapping all the time then I just explode.

Unfortunately I live in his home town, mine is 200 miles away. His dm has just suffered a serious medical condition so they literally can not help. My dm died when I was 17 so I've no one to confide in, I've got no friends here.

I've thought about going home for a couple of weeks and giving him an ultimatum because I can't cope with this anymore. I would take ds with me though, I could not bear to leave him for that long.

I don't want to give up on this relationship, I love him and I want ds to grow up in a family with both his parents (no disrespect intended to any sm out there).

I discussed this with his dm before she was ill months ago. Awful I know as she is his mother but I was desperate and she could see I wasn't myself. Even she recommended that I leave him, she said she knew he would be absolutely devastated and start bucking his ideas up if I went.

I'll have to speak to him tonight when ds is in bed.

Giving him an ultimatum is all very well, but you MUST be prepared to follow through with it or it becomes just another empty threat that he can ignore.

You can try some of the things already suggested here about going on strikes of various kinds, etc, but personally that kind of approach has never sat well with me. Your DP is a human being, not a dog to be trained. He knows that you are stressed out and unhappy. He knows that you want things to change. The question is why he has such little respect for you and your feelings that he doesn't feel the need to address those problems beyond a token few days?

That's the question I would be putting to him along with the absolute promise that unless some respect and consideration was forthcoming, there would be no future for you with him.

Squitten you are absolutely right, how can you say you love someone but then treat them like a skivvie. It's such a lack of respect for me the mother of his child and partner.

It's got to change because I can't and won't put up with this for much longer.

Totally agree with Squitten. What makes him think he can treat you like this?

Regarding working ft and pt. The work you do at home needs doing. If neither of you had the time you would have to pay someone else to do it.

How much would your dp have to pay for a 24 hour a day childminder, cleaner, personal shopper, cook, gardener, etc. The working ft/pt issue is not actually the problem here, it is just his excuse for being lazy, so put that to bed once and for all and start talking about him pulling his weight and showing respect.

Op. I don't know how much use my advice will be but its certainly helped me.

My situation is quite different from yours. Dp works ft shifts. Rotating 7 days per week including bank holidays, Christmas etc.

I work from home self employed. Hours vary according to the time of year. Can be as little as 10 or as much as 60hrs per week. Im pregnant with dc6. Older 2dc grown up so not at home. Ds8 has complex SN & ds 5 is currently being assessed for Autism & only attends school part time.

SO- I also had exactly the same problem as you. Dp would just work. Goes out with his mates the one weekend a month he's off. Sits on his arse at all other times.

I do everything else. Which in our case involves 3 schools, camhs, hcps & the usual washing, cleaning, finances etc etc...

I was part of the problem as I do have stupidly high standards- though im working on this. Dp has no standards, honestly I love him but he's a slob. This pisses me off as I think we should work as a partnership but we can't & don't. I tell dp what to do. He does anything I ask but it still irritates me that its always down to me to organise everything.

The irony being, he was 33 when I met him. Had lived on his own & was doing everything for himself. I should have spoken to him & told him what I expected when he moved in. I presumed we would share everything.

I also take myself away from the house, dc & dp as often as possible. Not easily done due to dp shifts but even if I just pop to the hair dressers or my sister & I go for a drink, cinema or late night shopping. At least I feel like I've had some time to myself.

These things have helped in my situation. With hindsight I should have done something years ago but I thought it would get better as the dc got older...it actually gets worse!

Best of luck & I hope you find a solution thst works for your family.

With regards to things having to be done. My dp would buy take away, leave all cleaning etc. He doesn't think its important. He never ever would point out something hadn't been done.

Though he'd say oh you've done this or that. Dp says I should just leave the house & not worry about it.

Totally different views on housework & levels of cleanliness...

Make a calendar of a typical week split into hours and write in each what he is doing and what you are doing alongside each other in columns.

Between you getting home and him getting home it is t your job to look after your DC and maybe some housework. Between when he gets home from work (not the pub) and when you leave for work is both your jobs to share.

Do a suggested schedule too. Do this before or after your strike on doing anything for him.

The suggested schedule should have both jobs for both of you and me time for both of you.

Try to make friends to.

OP my h was like this. He would make more effort for 48-72hrs or plead with me to tell him all the time where he was going wrong. He was also moody and angry. I gave him his marching orders in June after 14yrs of marriage and now my brood of children has gone down from three to two, which is lots easier and my house is a happier home. Your dc is young. If you and your h don't change the dynamic in your house ASAP you will end up like me because I am living proof that nothing changes unless there's a radical shake up and be then there's no guarantee.

'even then'

Shelly you sound marvellous, 6 children wow, Wonder Woman! Yeah my dp is just a lazy lazy sod, incredibly selfish.
I see mess and he just thinks I am mad. When he does do something it is never to my standards tbh. But that shouldn't matter, I would rather he pulled his weight.

I would love friends too, but I've not clicked with anyone here. I've always found it very hard to make friends due to anxiety and shyness which makes me over talkative (strangely) and seem a bit odd. I've tried to make friends with some of dp's wives and girlfriends but I find them not really willing to get to know me, I don't know why.

I work half the hours my oh works. I work around school runs and so I do all of that, I also make dinner every night as oh isn't home in time to cook. I think that apart from that jobs are divided about 60/40 60 me obvs. It took me a bit of ranting initially to get him to do more as I don't think he realised how much I did without him noticing IYSWIM.

The sweetest natured man in the world could drive you to despair if his DM brought him up to live like a bachelor in a hotel. Not to be unkind I'm almost surprised he got up the energy to impregnate you OP.

Aside from the obvious lazy selfishness do you wonder how he figures on building a healthy relationship with DS if he's glued to his phone or FBing at weekends? You're right - the last thing any child needs is to see Mum relegated to serf and Dad basking in his own self indulgent glow.

I think you should discuss a cleaner, book some weekends away for just you, for starters. What about, a job with prospects for you, when DS reaches pre-sxhool if not before; maybe take a look at DP's stressful work and see if that is a longterm prospect or if he really does fancy a change? And the last resort, a new home for one or both of you if he doesn't shape up.