No one to talk to, depressed OH (sorry it's long)

[Jacobanddaisysmummy]

Hi all
Basically I've been with my now fiancé For almost two years (we were friends before knew each other for 5 years on/off contact) after I fled a controlling relationship at 20 weeks pregnant with my youngest when she she was 8 weeks old we started a relationship. We both fell in love quickly and it all felt so right. He moved in all was well. He's always been depressed and on Anti ds (venlafaxine 75mg a day) the thing is recently it's become really bad. He's recently started a new full time job after being out of work for 6 months (left the last job as he didn't get on with the boss) I'm so proud of him for going out to work and providing for me and my kids (sees them as his own, they know him as his first name and still see their dad) (thought id throw that info in just incase people wonder!?) anyway he's been working about a month now and seems to be lower than ever, always tired gets in from work wants to go to bed, fair enough he's tired from working but we don't spend any time together. I drive him to work at the moment as his licence was revoked due to having sleep apnea it's on it's way back. Anyway on the drive there and back he's literally silent doesn't say more than two words get to work he gives me a kiss says bye to kids and he's gone.
He sleeps in until half an hour before he wants to leave for work gets up has a coffee and two cigarettes outside gets dressed then we leave all the while I'm getting kids ready to go.
We are not intimate with each other anymore. The last time was 5 weeks ago and it was over quickly he says his depression and meds make him not "feel sexual" or horny he has in the past said he is still attracted to me and fancies me but hasn't said anything like that for a long time.
He is becoming very hard to live with. He's so upset and down all the time and becomes snappy if I try and talk to him. I know going back to work full time is a shock to the system after being out for 6 months but it's like he can't see it's so much better for everyone (we was getting under each other's feet at home) he also suffers from cronic fatigue/pain due to slip disk. So yes he does have a lot of problems that are making his depression worse or stay the same. He's been back and forth to the GP who's referred him to mental health team and counselling. That's if he returns the forms they've sent out (that's why licence was revoked as he took too long to return forms)
Not really sure what I want from this but I needed to get it out of my head. I literally have no one to speak to. I love my OH so much but find myself thinking can I live like this forever. I want so much for him to get better but he doesn't seem to want to help himself let alone let anyone else help :-(
Any advice appreciated and if you want to know more or I've missed anything let me know. Thanks so so much :-)

It's the 'help himself' part that is the key to this, I think. It's good that he's at least been to the GP, is diagnosed and receiving treatment but, if the treatment isn't working and if it's making for a miserable home-life, then he should go back and say 'it's not helping'. Then the treatment can be adjusted. I also think you should accompany him to the appointments because, assuming you intend to stay together as a couple, you need professional guidance rather than being left to make it up as you go along. What is unacceptable is being snappy and refusing to talk to you.... I hope he apologises for that.

Ultimately, if you can't cope with life as the partner of a depressive, you don't have to stick around. Relationships fail for all kinds of reasons all of the time and, whilst it's always sad, it's not selfish to decide you've had enough.

This sounds like a long term problem that isn't going to go away any time soon. Has he had CBT? He needs some behavioural change in addition to the meds. What sort of work is he doing? Would part time be more realistic for him?

Thanks for your replies.
He has done a 10 week course of CBT and claims to still use the techniques he learnt although I've not seen any proof of it. I think you are right it's a
Long term thing that isn't going away any time soon. Just do I learn to live like this? I really do love him so much and want to help but he can't even help himself.
He works at at vets as a receptionist he seems to like it as he's an animal lover. He says full time is good because it keeps his mind busy and stops him thinking too much and getting down
He said to me a couple of weeks ago that he has had thoughts of not being alive and that myself and the kids are the only things stopping him. Not even his mum dad sisters brother and neice seem to b enough? Unless hes saying that as some sort of blackmail:guilt trip incase I do get to the point of ending it ?
I just don't know what to do but it's bringing me down and if I tell him his depression is making me depressed he says telling him that makes it worse as he then feels worse so now I feel I can't even talk about how i feel :-(

What you're now describing is an unhealthy relationship where you are being manipulated (deliberately or coincidentally) into sticking around because he's hinting at suicide and where you are unable to express yourself honestly because he turns it all back on himself. If he's suicidal, he has to go back to his GP, get counselling or call Samaritans rather than use it as as a veiled threat towards you. If he doesn't let you express yourself, that's not a partnership, it's a one-sided arrangement.

I get accused a lot here of being a heartless cow when it comes to depressives. I actually have a lot of sympathy with anyone battling the disease but I also think that 'they can't help it, they're sick' should not be used as carte blanche to get away with behaviour that would be unacceptable in anyone else.

If he's going straight to bed after work and staying there then he is certainly not still practising his CBT techniques as this is the absolute worst thing he could be doing!

A CBT therapist will always use behavioural activation as a first treatment with depression (as this is what the evidence shows is most effective) followed by cognitive restructuring and then core belief work if necessary/funds depending.

He should be exercising, eating well, socialising and generally trying to 'help himself', it doesn't sound as though he is doing anything like this.

I agree with cog that if you're not happy in the relationship you are allowed to leave, suicide threats or not. It may even be the kick up the arse he needs to motivate himself into making changes and really engaging with the help available.