is this selfish?

[desperateforaholiday]

Ive had a lot of issues in the past with dh behavior, we almost split at Christmas mainly due to his drinking, since then he has cut out the booze and has been 'trying' , part of the problem was that he wouldn't socialise with friends and family, we spoke about it and he promised he would make more of an effort.
Anyway, my db has just moved into a new house, I'm going up today and I asked dh if he wanted to come, he said no, he didn't see the point, why would he be interested in someone else's house blah de blah, he just ranted on in the same vein.
I spoke to him about it last nite, I said he was being self centered and had he forgot what we had talked about at the beginning of the year, the conversation got a bit heated and to cut a long story short he disagrees and says that I'm too much of a people pleaser and 'normal' people don't go visiting just because someone has a new house.
I thought that things were improving but this has just put doubts in my head again, am I expecting too much?

I think it's fairly normal to visit relatives and admire their new home if you've been asked. Ordinarily, I'd say that it's not essential that couples go around joined at the hip, however, if he's promised to make more of an effort to be sociable with friends and family then this seems to be a chance to keep that promise.

What concerns me however is the quality of the conversation. He 'rants', you say he's 'self-centred', it gets heated and accuses you of being abnormal. I'm guessing this is a well-worn rut in your relationship. It doesn't sound like a conversation between people that like each other very much. Sorry.

I know, we don't communicate very well, things have been a lot better this year apart from the odd disagreement.
Our relationship isn't the best but I thought we were both on the same page now iykwim

You may benefit from some relationship counselling to help you work on talking to each other more kindly. No couple agrees on everything.

If you did visit your DB's new home without him, are you worried he'd be sneaking booze while you were out? Is lack of trust a factor in all this?

No, he definitely has cut out drinking which is brilliant, I guess I just wanted us feel like a family. He very rarely leaves the house apart from the school run so I do tend to go most places on my own or with our dc (sorry didn't mean to drip feed)

He was seeing a counsellor at the beginning of the year but stopped going after a few sessions, he did suggest relate a while ago but things have been very tight financially and we didn't have any spare money.

I'll have another look into it, thanks for replying to me

There is an unspoken pressure on many men from society, their families and often themselves, to go out and provide the best for their loved ones. Some feel it a lot more than others. Failure to do so is partly the reason that many more men than women take their own lives.
Has your brother done rather better for himself and his family than your husband has? We're not necessarily talkiing about jealousy here, though that can play a part.

My brother in law has done extremely well for himself, big house, own business etc and even though he is very generous to all around him and never flaunts it all, yet his brother (another heavy drinker funny enough) always avoids going to family do's and such like at their house, because he feels belittled by it all.
Nothing has ever been said, and I only know because my wife and his are close and it came out one time when they were talking.
I am not making excuses for your chap, and he does sound a bit of a nightmare to live with (as we all can be from time to time) and it doesn't explain his other issues but it may explain this one.

I don't see why he should visit someone because they've moved, it's not like a social event like a party or dinner. You should define what you mean when it comes to socialising. U always should not always use that conversation as you could be perceived as holding over him. If ur brother holds a housewarming then I would expect him to go

He never leaves the house. This is not about 'pressure on men in society' or the definition of socialising, the man never moves from his armchair. That goes beyond antisocial IMHO and suggests something more serious. When he had counselling, what was it for exactly? And why did he stop going?

Thanks, when I say socialising I mean not wanting to have anyone over, not going to friends or family, not wanting to go out with anyone. We've had friends over once this year. Its the 1st time ive bought up 'the conversation'
I don't push for nights out or anything now but it does make me feel a bit sad that we don't go out together.

When he was drinking, was he more sociable/outgoing or did he just drink by himself?

The counselling was for anxiety, he blamed his drinking and general behavior on that, he said he felt anxious in groups and that's why he drank. He told me they had stopped the sessions because they were moving premises and would be in touch.

Of course you would want to go visit your brother’s new house! It's fun and exciting. Why does he think people have housewarmings?

That fits. Of course, the problem with drinking to overcome social anxiety is that alcohol is a depressant ... so it makes things worse rather than better. Sounds like the 'moving premises' thing was an excuse, he's gone the avoidance route and, rather than admit any of this or try to fix it, he turns nasty. That's where it gets unacceptable because it's making your life miserable.

I'd suggest you tell him to make another appointment on Monday morning. This isn't going to go away if he just sticks his head in the sand.

'normal' people don't go visiting just because someone has a new house

Er yes, yes they do. Really. Although 'normal' people don't usually wait for their nearest and dearest to move house before they visit, either. (And I speak as one who hardly ever visits her brother, with whom I get on perfectly well and who lives less than an hour away.)

That reason for stopping the counselling sounds a bit... well, it could be true, but if it's been a while he maybe ought to find out where they've gone to, or find an alternative.

People most certainly DO go visiting when a relative or friend has a new house! What a shitehawk turning it round to make YOU look like the oddball! While I have some sympathy for him, because my own husband suffers from severe social anxiety and I relate to a lot of your post (though he doesn't drink)...but to make it your failing and to rant at you about it is unforgivable!!