Why Did He Do It?

[Zilvernblue]

Around the time my long term relationship was ending, I met another man when I moved to a different city. It was immediate attraction for me, and it seemed to be for him too. But he was very shy, younger than me and inexperienced with women, and despite me dropping hints and a few dates, he never properly asked me out.

That was about 6 years ago. We've kept in touch, it always seemed "special" as we got on so well, and we had the same extended group of friends through a shared hobby, although he could behave oddly at times. I couldn't understand why he didn't ask me out, as could some of the friends (particularly the guys). Many of them came to the conclusion he was gay. Advice from friends was generally to ask him out, or try for a snog, and I was rejected.

Eventually I got fed up and met someone else. Almost as soon as he became aware of this, he started chasing me. He would turn up to a lot of places I was likely to be and we decided to go on holiday with another couple. We had a brilliant time and got on so well. But I didn't come onto him, as not quite single and also for fear of being rejected again. When we got back, he asked me out on a proper date. I said yes and then he cancelled. I was pretty sick about this.

Then he turned up at another place I was and saw me with the other guy, whom I had split up with but was friends with. He went very jealous and announced that he had a long term girlfriend whom he was in a long distance relationship with. I didn't quite believe this, but on checking with another mutual friend, it was proved to be true, and to have been going on for at least 4 years. A few months later, he asked me out again, and I said no, because he wasn't single and I was pissed off at him.

The thing is, the whole thing haunts me. I think I was in love with him, and I think about it a lot. But also that someone I knew so well (have even met his parents and work colleagues) could have lived a lie for so many years. Its all so odd. To make it even stranger, since I turned him down, he has literally disappeared. None of our mutual friends has so much as seen him for 4 months and he has given up the shared hobby. He doesn't reply to texts if I send him (and I won't text him any more anyway).

But why? Why live your life as a lie for so long? To what purpose?

You have wasted so much of your time on this twat. Live your life and let this nut job play his mind games with someone else.

I think he's probably a fantasist. Very insecure types for whom reality is too scary. So they indulge in role-playing & lies, they can be quite obsessive, but they can't follow through or they are exposed and no longer in control of the script. He could be hiding a secret - his sexuality may be problematic for him - and the disappearing act seems consistent.

I'm very surprised that there is a long distance girlfriend. Had the mutual friend actually met them together? Does the woman actually acknowledge he's her boyfriend? You see, I'm pretty sure he would have gone around telling people you were his long-term girlfriend.

What was the 'odd behaviour' during the time of the hobby?

Golly Zilvern he sounds a nob. I think you should put him out of your mind and move on. There is better, more honest and open fishes for you to swim with.

Simple answer: I'm going to guess he did it because he's a twat.

More complex: it could well be his long term long distance girlfriend was/is someone he doesn't really love and is 'safe'. He probably did like you and did the chasing you when it looked like you might end up with someone else/running away when he might have to do something that was actually cheating thing because while he likes/liked you, he didn't want to cheat on his GF.

It could well be family don't realise how serious he is with long term girlfriend and work colleagues don't know about her because he's not 100% certain if she's 'the one' so has kept her at arms length from them to keep his options open.

But basically, he's probably just a twat.

Oh where would you start with describing the odd behaviour Cogito? Ignoring me, stomping about red in the face at times, jealousy, yet rejecting me, refusing invites from other friends, acting very shy yet being on online dating sites, having quite a few "women friends" (like me?) on the go...

His sister seemed to think I was his girlfriend, and his workmates couldn't understand why he was single. But there really is a girlfriend hundreds of miles away, the mutual male friend had nothing to gain from lieing and from his reply obviously was telling the truth. He said he had heard him mention her but never met her. Another mutual male friend also said he had been invited to meet her, but couldn't make it.

Its like he compartmentalises his life. He was astonished when I said I didn't want to speak to him any more when I found out about the girlfriend. He thinks I'm being terribly unreasonable.

I'm making him sound awful. Obviously he has many good points, I'm just describing the bits that make me unhappy. And at least he's interesting...I fully admit that I tend to get bored with men, and I've never got bored of him. But I'm not keen on the lying of course.

Exactly... he 'heard him mention her but never met her'. I can mention my lovely boyfriend Sean Bean but it doesn't mean he exists.

I don't actually like the sound of this man. I have no time for liars and I think he sounds very troubled and rather manipulative. He may have been interesting but I don't think you should lose much sleep over him disappearing.

You're well out of it, OP. Lucky escape.

...Sorry, to answer your original question, 'Why did he do it?' - I'd just be grateful you no longer have to care enough to find out.

What Cogito said.

Especially re:Sean Bean.

I agree with heroinechick, he sounds like a total EA headfuck and you've had a lucky escape!

Who knows why he did it?

And who cares?

I don't thinkyou were in love with him, btw. Bit of heady lust perhaps, and enjoying the attention when it (erratically) happened. But nothing like a real relationship.

Why on earth would you want someone like this in your life?

Fantasist IMO.
Be glad you didn't get involved.

Sounds like an immature prick to me. Move on OP, to a guy who has actually grown up.!

Thanks for your comments.

I guess its the old story, I was slightly under his control. I should have known better. But I had absolutely no idea that he single until recently. You know how you read about these relationships where people know each other for years before getting together?

I do think there is a fairly serious long term girlfriend though. My instinct was telling me there was something quite right, and its telling me there is a girlfriend. And knowing how he is, he wouldn't have invited her to a thing to meet joint friends in our town if he was going to cancel because she didn't actually exist. That would be too unbelieavable, even by his standards.

I honestly think I'm a bit traumatised. I knew him for so long, and I had absolutely no idea that he wasn't single. I would never have said the things I did to him if I known he wasn't. And I was ready to never see him again a couple of years ago, but he really chased me. I feel terribly sorry for his girlfriend, knowing the "ideal man" version she will be getting while he's with her. She lives in a town 300 miles away, fgs! He also has another hobby, which involves meeting lots of usually single women and coming across as a decent, genuine guy (involves dancing).

None of our big group of mutual friends even bother mentioning him, and some seem to actively dislike him. I feel so sad for the way he's turned out. He had so much going for him.

You couldn't make it up. I can see him in future turning into one of those married men who lurk as singles on POF or similar, pretending they're single and having EAs, telling themselves they're doing nothing wrong as long as they don't have sex. That said, I think he wanted to with me and then dump me.

I agree he sounds like an arse but my first thought was that he could be carrying on with a married/attached woman hence the cloak and dagger stuff.

Some people do just get under your skin, happened to me once, you do forget about them in time, or look back and think what a knob so don't worry about it

Update: he has announced to the mutual friends who we went on holiday with that he is now single...

I'd do my best to forget about him.
It sounds like a lucky escape for you.

well, he might be. Or he might still be with the girlfriend in other town. Who knows? You certainly never will.

And even if it is true, if you got together with him, you'd always be worrying you'd be like the woman in the other town, the long term girlfriend who is not discussed amongst certain friends so that he can try and pull from that group.

Walk/run away. Make yourself a new rule, if it's "meant to be" then it won't be bloody hard work at the start. Relationships are supposed to be fun at the start and get harder once life issues turn up, but if they aren't fun at the start, it's going to be hideous when something goes wrong later on.

He sounds laden with issues that would get in the way of having a relationship with him - if it had ever got that far!

Of curse he's single. He was never in a relationship in the first place.