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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother-daughter relationships ...

17 replies

sanityisamyth · 02/11/2013 17:47

I'll try to keep this brief. There's a HUGE amount of stuff that I could go into but I'll try to keep this relevant. Starting at the beginning seems wise ...

I have 2 sisters. One is 2 years younger than me and WE DO NOT GET ON. The other is 5.5 years younger and we do get on but it's complicated. My parents divorced when 1 was 10. Only really saw dad during school holidays etc. as mother moved to be nearer her family after the divorce. Dad remarried (SM is lovely) and mother didn't. No boyfriends (or friend even).

My younger sister was always "different". It started from a young age - she saw a physchiatrist/psychologist (not sure which) when she was three as she had destroyed the inside of two cars by shredding the upholstery. Things got progressively worse and almost lost dad his job (he was a policeman) as she said that he had hit her. He hadn't and wouldn't but there's was a huge investigation after she went into school with a "black eye" (make up).

When parents divorced, I had a year of primary school left to go and then started secondary school. Everything was fine there until my sister started at the same school 2 years later. She was expelled by the January of year 7 for various things, mainly violence related. She then started at another school but was expelled at the end of year 9. Again violence related.

However, as mother was a single parent, she needed to work and left me (from the age of 10 onwards) to look after both sisters. Youngest was 4/5 years old. Younger sister was horrific. It is honestly no exaggeration to say that she tried to kill me on many occasions - attacking me with knives, sledgehammers, aerosols etc. I spent most of the time protecting my youngest sister whilt trying to stop younger sister destroying the house. I never got any support from mother, other family members or neighbours. It was all kept very quiet. I used to have to miss a lot of school due to injuries inflicted and major depression.

There was a huge amount of emotional abuse from younger sister too but it was harder to prove and put my finger on. Mother thought it was laughable.

Anyway, when younger sister was expelled from second school dad insisted she live with him as there were 2 parents by then and she'd get more attention etc. She was expelled from her third school at the end of year 11 with few GCSEs etc. Around the same time, she got involved with groups in london involved with drugs and eventually had a court case for GBH with intent but was acquitted (they sentenced someone else and couldn't come to a decision so didn't want to waste money on a second trial). She then went into the Navy as a dental nurse but was chuck out for punching her (female) superior officer. She then had another court ca for GBH and was sentenced. Not sure now long for.

All through this I worked hard and tried not to rock the boat. Whilst I was at uni though, I was raped. The only comment mother made at the time was "you're lucky he didn't strangle you afterwards". She then made it very obvious it s inconvenient for her to keep taking me to the airport when the trial was supposed to start (I didn't drive and train fares were expensive - I was working so paid for flights and her petrol).

However. When middle sister left prison dad wasn't well enough to take her (he'd had a huge heart attack) and so she had to live with mother whilst she was on bail. I had long since moved out so didn't have to see her.

Mother paid her bills and food etc. and found her a job. When I was living at home on compassionate leave she charged me rent and organised for my wages to go straight into her account (same initial and surname) so I had NOTHING to live on.

Nowadays, I have nothing to do with either of them. I missed mother's 60th birthday last year as I knew middle sister would be there (she didn't tell me she was but she was very evasive) but there is a funeral next week that I really should go to, but not if my younger sister is there. Mother is lying to people about being in contact with me (apparently she knows my bump is huge (32 weeks pregnant) but I haven't seen her since I sent her an e-mail 18 months ago telling her never to call me again.

Really don't know what to do. I honestly can't cope with seeing either mother or middle sister.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Shellywelly1973 · 02/11/2013 17:56

I wouldn't go the funeral. Send flowers/ card/ condolences, let the famiky of the decessed person knowvyou care & are thinking of them.

I would let people know you are not in contact with your mother, regardless of what she says.

Look after yourself. Best of luck with your pregnancy.

Shellywelly1973 · 02/11/2013 17:57

Excuse typo's on phone!

lisad123everybodydancenow · 02/11/2013 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sanityisamyth · 02/11/2013 18:08

Thanks shelly and *Lisa. I spoke to my aunt earlier who knows a bit what mother likes but the rest of the family just think I'm spoiled or selfish or something. I'm honestly really not and I was gutted not to be able to go to the birthday BBQ last year. There were lots of photos on Facebook of "the whole family" having a good time - many mentions of how nice it was that "everyone" was there.

No-one except mother in my family knows I was raped and none of them seemed to question why I wasn't at uni for a year. She told me not to tell anyone. I couldn't tell dad as it was the same time he was recovering from his heart attack.

I don't want to appear selfish or self-absorbed. The funeral is for a family member who's not much older than me and it's so sad.

OP posts:
GrendelsMum · 02/11/2013 18:15

Yes, flowers and a card with some memories of your late relative would be a good way to go, I think. Better than to upset yourself while heavily pregnant by seeing these rather unpleasant people.

Divinity · 02/11/2013 18:26

Ignore the fb photos and comments as they're only there to pretend life is so wonderful while having a jab at you at the same time. Fb life is always very different to RL.

sanityisamyth · 02/11/2013 18:36

Thanks everyone. If I could guarantee my sister wasn't going to be there I could almost cope but there's no way of finding out and even if I ask I can't be sure of getting an honest answer.

A card and flowers may well be the way to go :)

OP posts:
Shellywelly1973 · 02/11/2013 19:06

And step away from fb!

Self preservation...

mummytime · 02/11/2013 19:17

If you can write a heartfelt message in the card, or even a letter it will be far more appreciated than "just" turning up on the day.

sanityisamyth · 02/11/2013 19:19

Thanks Shelly. Both mother and younger sister have been blocked on my account to protect myself but they're still on rest of family's accounts.

Even seeing my cousin write "As (sister's name) said, family sticks together". Just seeing her name is enough to bring back horrific memories and pulse rate goes off the scale! I use FB for keeping in touch with friends that have emigrated etc. and generally things are good on there.

I really like certain members of my extended family and just wish that they would tell her to take a running jump (as she has caused no end of stress, arguments and pain) and allow me to actually join in with things without feeling like I'm the one causing problems :(

I don't want to make people choose between her and me so I just withdrew myself from the family :(

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sanityisamyth · 02/11/2013 19:24

Good point mummytime. I've sent private messages on FB asking if there's anything I can do to help and the family involved don't live far from me so I've offered to baby sit and offered husband's cooking (they wouldn't appreciate mine - food is supposed to cheer people up!!).

OP posts:
claudedebussy · 02/11/2013 19:27

in your shoes i would not turn up. you've had an horrific time of it and really, if you can avoid more stress then do avoid it. you've offered your support. a funeral is for closure for those left behind. this funeral would cause you an awful lot of pain, and i'm sure the person who died (i'm sorry to put it like that) wouldn't want you to go through that pain.

sanityisamyth · 02/11/2013 19:31

Thanks claudedebussy :)

OP posts:
Divinity · 02/11/2013 21:57

Your sister is a big trigger for you (understandably so). Not going to the funeral is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. I like the idea of offering support and a heart felt message.

Regarding fb, I created another account for close friends only then left the original for family and acquaintance-type friends. Bit of a faff at first but the best solution for me. That way I can keep in contact with those I want to without being triggered by silly family comments.

jamakatab · 03/11/2013 14:00

sanity - the funeral itself probably isn't where problems might lie - it's the get-together afterwards. Can you go to the service and then leave straight away? Being pregnant is a reasonable 'excuse' to make a quick getaway.

MummyBeerest · 03/11/2013 14:07

In your shoes, I'd send flowers and a card.

Funerals are stressful for anybody, and going to one where your sister may be there would cause too much undue anxiety. Esp if you're very pregnant.

You don't owe anyone an explanation, either.

sanityisamyth · 03/11/2013 16:32

Thanks everyone.

That's a good point about the "wake" afterwards - I hadn't thought of that. I really don't want to get caught having to talk to either mother or sister (if she's there).

I might ask work for the afternoon off (it's a 12.30 service at the Crem) and then see how I feel about going or not. I might feel brave on the day!

Flowers and a card would be a good backup plan - can either take them on the day, or drop them at my aunt's house for my cousin to pick up when she feels up to it.

:)

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