What's the next step?

[hippoesque]

I've been with my partner for 7 years, we have a mortgage and 2 beautiful children and it would seem we 'have it all'

The problem is his reluctance to discuss anything. I would like to get married and have been ready to do so for the last three years. Any options I've presented for this have just been completely ignored! I actually cannot work out if it's ever going to happen. He says it will but as more and more of our friends get married (we've been together much longer than most of them) I feel like it'll never be my turn.

It's worth noting we are more like best friends than anything. We do have sex but only when he feels like it, once a month if I'm lucky.

I feel like I'm looking for problems where there shouldn't be any. I never thought marriage would be a deal breaker for me but then I never thought I would still be waiting this long down the line.

What do I do? If I issue an ultimatum then I'll always feel like I forced him into it (presuming he proposed obviously!!) and if he doesn't do I start again even if our home life as such is good. He refuses to discuss lack of sex, intimacy or marriage so talking really isn't much of an option anymore.

I wanted to get married (i think), DP didn't - he said it was because he didn't want to change things. 22 years later............. :) I wouldn't want to get married now, i think we have missed that boat but i wouldn't change anything.

You have more of a problem with the sex issues - why is he not interested

Why do you want to marry someone who won't discuss things that are important to you, who doesn't recognise or want to do anything about problems in your relationship, doesn't want to marry you and doesn't care about the romantic or sexual side of you or your relationship? Does that sound like a good marriage? Is that what you've always dreamed of? Do you think it's going to be any better than this in 7 years time?

I don't know, was an every night kind of guy before we had children. Both kids slept through the night from an early age and are really laid back so tiredness not an excuse. Still a size 10 as well. Maybe he just doesn't fancy me now I've given birth?

I don't necessarily think that he doesn't fancy you, but maybe he started to see you differently when you had children, he needs to get over that! Could he be having difficulties with erections and wont talk about it? Im sorry but i couldn't live with that level of sexual activity, but then intimacy is really important to me.

If you want to marry this person that doesn't communicate and is emotionally distant (and that's a big if) then you should ask him yourself. It's important to you & you want it to happen, then have the courage of your convictions, ask a straight question and insist on a straight answer. If you get anything other than an enthusiastic 'yes' (none of this you can then choose if it's worth sticking around or if you're wasting your time.

TBH, as there are problems in the relationship, why exactly do you want to get married? Just because everyone else is?

I'd be addressing the relationship problems now, and making sure I and the children were financially protected in case of a split.

Then, if the relationship is good enough to marry, maybe he will want it too.
Or you go different ways and find a better relationship for both.

It's a sad fact that while some people are desperate to get married there are many others who wish they hadn't

Like others on here, I think wanting to get married or not isn't your main problem. Also I think that when this becomes an issue (marriage or not) it's often a case of other problems in the relationship being projected into this question.

I know married and non-married people and most people in happy relationships seem not that bothered either way.

I'm afraid I'd be another of the wish I hadn't got marrieds. For some daft reason I was brought up to believe that if I didn't get married I'd failed (not sure what exactly). I am bringing up my DDs with a different set of beliefs! What benefit would there actually be in getting married? And if there are problems now I can categorically assure you that they will get bigger after your are married.

For some daft reason I was brought up to believe that if I didn't get married I'd failed (not sure what exactly)

Me too.

I am bringing up my DDs with a different set of beliefs!

And this :)

Marriage is a false idol, IMO.

Apart from DS, who was born during marriage, I wish I had had the wisdom to finish it off with his dad when were were still not married.

It breaks my heart to think leaving him is the only option I have left. I don't just want marriage for the sake of it, I want to be his wife and have the same name as my children. I can get over the sex part to an extent because when we do it's great it's just the amount I struggle with. I know he loves me it's just everything is on his terms and timescale.

In the absence of marriage do you have legal protection? You say you have a joint mortgage so are you co-owners of your home? Are you named in each other's wills? Beneficiaries of any life insurance. Marriage is much more than a piece of a paper or even a romantic expression of commitment. It's a vital contract and, especially if you have kids together, you should protect your contribution to the relationship

Leaving him is not the only option, but being his wife is not going to make it all better.
Sort out your issues first (and do sort out your financial protection, as mentioned before).

It does look like you are clinging on to your ideal relationship in your head, not to the reality of it. If only...
He either starts working with you on sorting those issues or he won't make a good husband and you'll end up facing a divorce.

Yes our wills leave everything to the other and our house is joint but 1/4 to me and 3/4 to him as he inherited half when his parents died. Legally and financially I'd be fine but it's the emotional and practical side which is struggle with.