Would you admit to an early indiscretion?

[Schoolnight]

I started dating a man about six months ago. It was nice, we laughed, had things in common, he's very warm and made me feel good. But I never had that moment of thinking he was someone I really wanted to be with and he lacks a couple of points I'd always considered essential in a partner. So when someone else asked me out I started seeing them too.

Things have progressed with my boyfriend but the second man was always more of a bit on the side. The issue is we slept together a few times, mainly before me and my boyfriend were "exclusive" but once afterwards. The issue is now I realise my friends were right and my boyfriend was "a grower". I'm still not sure we'll end up happily ever after etc, but I love him and want to allow myself to see what happens.

But he knows nothing of this other man and thinks I was totally single from day one. Part of me thinks this is fine and often happens but I'm aware that he doesn't have the full picture so is basing his feelings on an inaccurate picture of me.

Should I tell him so he can make an informed decision, or keep quiet and see it as all water under the bridge which won't happen again?

Just say you cheated on your partner. It's honest.

Her partner? Not a term I would use for such a short time. Indiscretion covers it well.

Alright, just say you cheated on your boyfriend, then. If you are ok with doing it, you should be ok with saying it. Sure, you feel a bit guilty but you have offloaded that guilt here now, so you can just own it and move on.

He wasn't her partner. He was someone she was seeing and wasn't sure about.

OP you are not a liar or a cheat. You are allowed to consider what you want and take your good old time about doing so. You would be jumped on if you had rushed into a relationship too quickly and then changed your mind and posted here you realise don't you? You honestly don't have to follow the MN rules of relationships that exist nowhere else I know of in RL or risk being called nasty, negative names.

She calls him her boyfriend in her OP and she says they were exclusive.

It makes no difference to me how she lives her life, I'm just suggesting that it is more honest to call it what it was - cheating on her boyfriend.

Why not?

I understand that minimising will make the OP feel better about what she did. If she doesn't want to face up to what it was, then that is up to her. She has dumped most of her guilt, she is fine now and will carry on with this secret unless someone lets the cat out of the bag.

She has made her decision, she is happy with it.

I wouldn't tell him, there is really no reason to. Move on and enjoy your life with him

At what point after meeting someone do you think you should be expected to eschew all others and be "faithful" then fairenuff? When should that conversation be had? The first date, the first week? Way to frighten off most potential healthy suitors imo. Big intense convos about exclusivity within days of meeting.

It would be up to the individual sparkly. For some it might be very early on in their relationship, for others, never.

But if you do agree to be faithful and then you sleep with someone else and keep it a secret, you have cheated.

I'm with fairenuff on this.

He will probably find out and then the shut will hit the fan.

Op knows in her heart she cheated cos that's what she did. Get and bf had a conversation and agreed they would only sleep with each other then she slept with someone else. She cheated.

I said before that this happened to me and it was fucking awful to find out he had slept with someone else.

I hope he doesn't find out for his sake that there were lies and cheating from the off.

It's just shitty in my opinion to not show the real you and let him stay in the relationship while you and others know what you did.

This happened to me and I was devastated when I found out. He thought we were not exclusive or whatever. He didn't tell me at the time and it is very unfair to move forward in the relationship when you have all the info and he does not.
I felt like an idiot that I was so in to someone who did not feel them same.
You are doing him a massive diservice if you don't tell him.
Give him the chance to make decisions about his life with all the facts.
Do ypu want a relationship built on lies?

What's with this knows in her heart bollocks? Yes I know I cheated, I don't need sodding hynosis or something to work this out. I cheated, it feels like there is nothing to gain in telling him, It's not eating away at me, therefore I'm keeping schtum.

Enough with the hyperbolic based on lies stuff. Really it's quite tiresome to put a disproportonate emphasis on policing someone else's fidelity.

Schoolnight I would walk away from this thread if I were you. You sound like you have reconciled yourself to this issue and I think the way you analysed it was spot on.

Don't come on here and get upset. There are people who would like you burned at the stake for something that is nothing, really. You will face more insults. You don't have to try to justify yourself to other posters, you worked it out for yourself a while ago.

It doesn't matter what a bunch of strangers thinks of you or your life.

Yes I think that's good advice. I've made up my mind so won't engage further. Anyone else is of course welcome to use this bandwith to discuss theoretically or vent about how their cheating partner hurt them.

Go with a song in your heart and a spring in your step.

There is no way you should have to apologise or admit anything to anyone. What happened was in the early weeks of a new relationship. You weren't married, engaged, living with this man. You didn't cheat because there was no promise of commitment.
Anyone who says you should tell is mixing up a whole load of morals and needs to get their heads sorted a bit.

Enjoy your new man and hope it all works out.

Wow I obviously should not have posted my experience of the exact same thing and said what I thought the op should do....oh wait didn't the op ask for advice.
I don't give a crap who you shag or how you justify any behaviours to yourself.
I asked if you wanted to build a relationship on lies. It is not hyperbole it is a fair question imo.
He will probably find out sometine and then you will have to deal with that fall out.
If I had been told at the time I would have been able to say to sure we haven't been seeing each other long bla bla bla.
Finding out much later just after having a baby changed the while feel of it.
So sure I think you should tell him out of respect.
But if you don't want to fair do's
Hope it all goes ok.

"You didn't cheat because there was no promise of commitment."

There was a promise of exclusivity.

That she broke.

Because she was playing him at the time.

But now she's decided he might be good enough for her.

But not good enough to actually treat with any respect.

Just good enough to use for her own purposes.

Lucky, lucky guy.

She slept with the other boyfriend once- in the early days of the other relationship.

That's being a player?
You seriously need help if you think like that. Or go and live in the Middle East where your morals might fit better.

Maypole- that was so unfair.

Blonde I mean it kindly ffs!! Unfair why?

I've actually seen fab advice from just on the pushy get any old crappy job husband thread. I don't agree with her on here but it's really nasty to suggest someone needs counselling just because you don't agree with them.

Point taken, sequins. But I haven't seen any 'fab advice'; I saw her hectoring an OP who was 7 months pregnant and had had a horrible time finding out her husband was camming. Insisting that he would continue to lie to her and couldn't be trusted when she was clearly trying to sort her marriage out. I don't think that is helpful or very kind.

It's not a question of disagreeing, the tone of these posts is bullying. Shouldn't everyone be on here in some sort of spirit of helpfulness?

Telling someone, persistently that they are a bad person is much nastier than telling someone they seem unhappy and ought to find a way out of it.

You didn't cheat because there was no promise of commitment.

Loopy there was promise of commitment. And OP has already admitted she cheated.

OP as you are ok with this, I suggest the best course of action is to speak with your boyfriend and tell him that, having thought about it, you are not actually ready to be exclusive, so he should feel free to sleep with others and you will too if you want.

That way, even if you don't confess that you have already cheated, you will at least be honest with him about how your see your relationship.