Its over and I need to stay stong

[Maoamstripes]

Hi
I have split with exP after 2.5 yrs. He is emotionally abusive and controlling.
Feeling wobbly however ok, but I had to get away from this man, I told him over and over I couldnt be with him, but he managed to talk me around, manipulate, guilt trip etc and because my self esteem and confidence is low, i caved.
eg of control are, if i wanted to go for meal with friend, he would make comments, convince himself i was with another man etc..make me miserable somehow before i went out.. I have lived on edge for around 2 yrs, he has harassed me, turning up at my house in a state..
Last night he called me an "arsehole" and a "wannabee".. he threw stuff at me and was incredibly angry.. he told me to not contact him again and if i do he will hurt me.. then he went on to say, not physically, but mentally :-(
We arent young, both been married before, however i have never had anything like this. His ex wife stopped him from seeing their son.. i can understand why.
He took my phone off me and wouldnt give it back, he asked the same questions over and over, doesnt listen to any answers.. its enough to drive anyone fu**ing crazy.
Im not comfortable in my own home in case he turns up. How on earth have i let it get to this? I have enabled him by not telling him to f off after about 3 months when all the warning flags were there.
I just need to stay stong and keep some dignity in tact.
Does anyone have any coping mechanisms/suggestions please?
I have a young ds and thankfully have protected him from this, he has only seen the "nice" side of him.. Ive always put him first..
How have i ended up in an emotionally abusive marriage the relationship :-( I thought I had learnt my lesson first time around...

Do you have your phone?

Well, don't contact him.
If he does go around report him to the police and don't open any doors or talk to him.

With any luck he will stop bothering you.

Meanwhile, you may want to increase your self esteem.
People often recommend the Freedom programme.

I would contact womens Aid. If he turns up call the police if he does not leave. Do not be bullied or blame yourself. He is the one with the issues and he has worn you down with his manipulative words. Focus on you and your DS and just take each day as it comes.

First of all, well done for getting shot, even if it's gone on longer than you'd have liked. What you've experienced is domestic violence, unfortunately and it's rarely something anyone lets happen to them consciously. The kind of emotional abuse you describe is very subtle to begin with but increases bit by bit. You see the warning flags but there are enough good times to make it worthwhile. If you've experienced a bad relationship before, maybe this guy seemed different/better to begin with? You say he has a nice side... If you were lonely before he arrived on the scene that can make you keen to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Very complex things emotionally abusive relationships and notoriously difficult to get out of. So well done.

Best coping mechanism that retains dignity is to cut all contact and divert yourself so that you have as little time to think about him as possible. If you're frightened do contact the police 101 number and talk to their DV team about the threats and other abusive behaviour. That way if he turns up at your house you can get them over quickly

Do you have RL friends or family to be with this weekend? Long-term you might benefit from something like the Freedom Programme - helps survivors of abusive relationships.

Thanks for your replies, I am definitely not going to contact him, feel like i have wasted time and part of my life. Yes its domestic violence, the reason his ex wife divorced him. He made his ex out to be crazy and i guess he will now do the same in his own mind about me. I dont care anymore though, i do not care what he thinks of me but i am worried about what damage he can do.. he poses a threat to me. Ive confided in him, told him things and he could use this against me.. I could see it escalating into hitting etc, he has hit me once before... he gets very nasty and goes into a different "zone"..
I dont confide in family but i do have friends i can talk to, however just dont feel able to at the moment.. you know when you want to let things sink in yourself?

I would suggest you call your police station now to raise your concerns. This means if you ring the police they should make you a priority. I am sure somebody else will be able to explain now this works.

If you can't face talking to friends yet, definitely talk to Womens Aid and the police. If this man has a track record of violence towards women he may even be known to them. Make your safety top priority. Please promise me that.

You sounded embarrassed in your first post that you'd let things get this far. Don't let pride keep you from talking to others, will you? Everyone makes mistakes and being the victim of a charming abuser can happen to anyone.

thanks ces, i am embarrassed yes, ashamed etc.. Ive made mistakes too but not to deliberately hurt anyone, just ended up in situations which are out of character etc.. but only when he has been involved in my life. I'll get over it, I feel better having mn to turn to and know you are "out there".. Im hoping he doesnt turn up later. Currently have blinds more closed than normal and doors locked. He could be out doing anything and meantime i feel a prisoner in my own home, i do feel safe though

And you've called 101? Please don't live in fear and hiding. The police are there to protect you.