Confused with affair

[MrsGiles]

This is my first post after lurking for a while.
I'm a married mum of 2 DCs (5 and 8). Married to DH for 11 years, together for 14.
My Dad is terminally ill and diagnosed in jan. has maybe 12 months left. A close friend passed away at Christmas and I've lost four stone in weight (with exercise and healthy eating).
The thing is, I feel totally different since my weight loss. Me and DH live virtually separate lives in the same house. I've tried over and over to discuss things since April but had my opinion brushed to the side over and over. I crave attention and affection.
I've since met a man online and have started an affair. He is everything my hubby isn't. He's single and lives 30 miles away. I feel like I have no responsibility when I see my lover. He's kind and affectionate. He lost his wife suddenly four years ago and has some issues he is working through. The affair started out as just a but of flirting but now I have feelings for him. He admitted he feels the same but would never put me in he situation of choosing between him and my life I have now. I really feel like a divorce is what I want but don't feel mentally brave enough to face the consequences. I know my husband isn't "the one" but the thought of living like this forever ... Without feeling loved, is killing me. I feel selfish for wanting to peruse something different as the consequences for my kids and financially will be enormous.
I've tried ending my affair but we ended up chatting again and meeting more. I know I'm risking the safety and security of my home life but I feel desperate to be wanted and loved and this man feels like an olive branch in my lonely life I have now.
I haven't felt guilty at all through the while thing... Which has shocked me as I'm normally quite level headed, but after we met last time, I thought of my kids and DH when I was chatting to my lover and felt sad that I am putting them through this. Why do I feel like this? Why am I doing what I'm doing? And what is the answer going forward?

of course you feel no responsilbilty with your" lover"

you have none

ffs grow up

I've tried ending my affair but we ended up chatting again and meeting more.

if someone said you will DIE if you meet him - i bet you would soon stop

stop being so fatalistic and tbf teenage

Eh? You need to put this man out of your life/head, and either work on, or end, your marriage with your husband.

What is it with people who want it all?

OP you are new here aren't you?
You are about to be flambé roast.

Right. This other man does not want you to leave your husband and family for him. He certainly doesn't want you turning up on his door one night with your children in tow. There is no happy ever after with this man.

If you don't love your husband anymore, leave him. Strike out on your own and be single. Sort out yourself before starting any new relationship.

Yes, you're being selfish at the moment. You're not operating in a vacuum, none of us are, and being deceitful is good for no-one, including yourself. It's exciting at the moment and it's providing you sex and affection, but it's dishonest. If your marriage is over and there's nothing left, be honest and end it. Take the consequences on the chin, downsize if you have to, and help your DCs adapt to the two-centre family option the way hundreds of others do. Then rebuild your life with the new person (if that's what you really want).

Clearly you operate on a 'But what about me' level so instead of me trying to point out the damage you're doing to your family, I'll just remind you that your children's opinion of you will change when they find out what you did. So will the rest of your family's/friends'. And youcan't take it back. No-one will 'understand' you or think, 'Aww, she needed attention'. They'll think you're a hound.

Stop and really consider what you're doing.

bet the OP doesnt come back

OP: you need to decide on what track you want your future to be.

Right now, you have chosen another man, but have not given your H the opportunity to decide if this is a tolerable basis on which to continue the marriage, or the freedom to make the same choice as you have.

This is very unfair of you.

It's not up to us to chose which man for you (personally, I'd say neither). But I will strongly advise you make you choice and act on it. Because then you will have some say in what happens next. No-one believes their affair will be discovered, but many are. And the devastation of discovery is immense.

I think it is considerably more important for you to take control of the disclosure procedure - an uncontrolled discovery if it occurred at the time of your DF's final illness would be unimaginably horrible and will have an extra resonance for the rest of your life. That is worth avoiding.

You were able to take responsibility for the decisions which led to the affair and the need to make choices. You need to exert that responsibility again.

I think you are particularly vulnerable at the moment with your father's illness and the passing of your friend. Plus the massive achievement of your weight loss you are fluctuating between feeling down and flying high.

Your head has been turned, it's exciting and new and, of course, he is going to be great to talk to and to meet with etc - a fresh, new perspective on your life. Plus the sneaking around makes it "exciting" and a step away from the troubles and mundaneness of normal life.

For the sake of your marriage, family and your own mental health in the long term, you need to address what you want. If you want your husband you must cut this man completely out of your life - no half measures and sneaky innocent message which lead to this and that.

If you want to be with this man please address the situation with your husband, give him some respect and dignity. End your marriage without continuing this extra relationship and, if it's meant to be, this new fella will wait for your and respect your situation.

You won't waltz into the sunset though, problem free.

The advice here is spot on, IMO.

You need to deal with your relationship without this other man in the picture. Either leave or find a way of working together at it.
This man, btw, probably just wants a shag and will run a mile if you try to leave your husband for him. Listen to what he says. He won't give you the life you have now.
Not sure about all the extra info on deaths and illnesses. They don't seem relevant here and sound like attempts at excusing yourself. Why do you feel different after the weight loss?

Thanks for the advice. I feel completely different as before I was very overweight, with a non existent sex drive and poor body image. I thought "who would want me, fat, 40 and with two kids". Now I feel more confident and have a renewed sex drive. I've spent my entire adult life being obese and now I wish I had lost weight years ago. Although DH has said he prefers the "fatter me".
I have spoken to my husband about how I feel and all he says is "don't be daft" and "we're alright". I told him a month ago things aren't OK and I don't think we are getting on and that maybe a divorce is on the cards. He was angry, furious and hysterical. Since then, he is trying to be more interested and less dismissive of me, but it feels very awkward.
I know I wasn't going to get any perfect answers to my messed up situation but an grateful for any advice. No matter how harsh it may be!

The grass on the other side is greener cos it's fertilised eith bullshit.

Sorry for the difficult time you have ad Op. For that I really feel for you. . But, seriously get a grip. If you don't love your DH then leave him in a dignified way. Stop sneaking around and been deceitful. When this affair is discovered and blows up, you will be responsible for hurting a lot of people because of your selfish attitude. Grow some balls and leave your DH if you no long want him.

This man, whatever he represents for you, is not the solution.

Ask yourself what sort of man is happy to have a relationship with a woman who is married and with young kids. Not the kind to settle with. And not the kind who would want to commit, I would imagine.

Dont go breaking up your family to chase a fly by night. I am sure he would be quick to break up with you, if you were actually free to move on/in with him.

Break it off, and cool your head. But I suggest you get that crush out of your head before you make any major decisions that are going to affect your lives. You cant act sensible when your head is filled with butterflies.

You need to decide now what outcome you want from this.
Hanging on at home is giving your DH false hope. It is also unfair as he does not know you are cheating on him. Therefore he cannot gauge the seriousness of the situation. Doesn't it break your heart he is trying to please you against a stacked deck?
Get over yourself and either cut it off with OM or leave DH so he has a chance to meet someone who actually loves him.

It looks like your H got a fright and may well be willing to work it out. Or you may be past that and not capable of going back to him.

But you need to work it out without the other man.
It may be that you can rekindle with OH or that you leave, but it will be for yourself, not chasing an illusion.

When you think of the other man keep in mind he is only after sex. He's not kind or nice. He's just working you.

You deserve better than that.
In a sense your OH miles better than this man.
But it's still for you to work out if he's good enough for you. Without interference.

Your DH probably prefers the fatter you because it's the you lacking in confidence and therefore less challenging. 'Don't be daft' is not a good response when someone is trying to open up. Dismissive is poor behaviour. Anger is also not constructive. None of this is reason to have an affair, however. All that does is plummet your self-esteem.... which would be a shame given that you've just found your confidence. I know you said you didn't feel guilty initially but you're feeling sad now and I think that will snowball if you carry on. Affairs, like banks, sometimes get 'too big to fail'

You sound like someone who still has values. Best of luck

I know I need to cut OM out altogether. I'm not sure why I seek affection from anywhere... I feel desperate to be loved and I used to think (last year or so) that as long as DCs hugged me and loved me, that would be enough.

My DH does have some nice qualities but his attitude towards me recently (before the affair) had made me feel resentful and cold towards him. He can be aggressive (although not towards me or DC) and very careful with his money (a long standing issue).
I'm maybe worried I can't make things work again and maybe feel I will never love him as much as I should.
What a mess ... and all my own doing :(
I wonder why I can't be happy with the hand I have been dealt, rather than wanting something else. That's what I need to work out for myself, I suppose.

It's ok not to be happy with your H and want something else.
You're just not going to find it through deceit and sex with another man. In fact it may actually lower your self esteem.
Why should you settle for a marriage you're not happy in, and stolen moments with a man who doesn't even want to be with you in a proper relationship?

If your marriage had reached the end of the road before the affair, then you choose to end it. You don't have to stick with "the hand I have been dealt" because you are not a passive recipient of what fate throws at you. You are the one who makes the choices which shape your life.

You do not have to stay with DH. You do not have to be with any man. You can continue to choose OM. You can make a completely new choice.

But you are risking a great deal of (possibly avoidable) unhappiness if you opt to continue with your current choice of an affair.

Oh .. Op. Been there done that.

Ended up really f'ing messy, painful etc. I'm sure you can imagine. Please please end it with OM and get your h to talk with you about where you both want this to go. My mm couldn't end with me... I was at rock bottom with no self esteem. I look back with embarrassment. I hung onto him . We hung on to each other.

So, imagine your h finds out and moves out. You are on your own. Ok, so .. You continue with your single man... What then? My mm left his wife.. My Dc's dad moved out.. And we carried on in a 'normal' way for 2 years til he found someone more exciting 7 weeks ago. It's a bitter pill when we realise the extent of the suffering around you. You can stop that today. Ask your 'lover' to step away, go no contact and address your feelings for h first. Please.

I have seen at first hand what this will do to the wronged spouse. To see a man of 40 wailing in pain is dreadful. His stbx wife to whom I was quite close, has behaved disgustingly. If things are that bad, leave. Don't try and excuse what you have done.

oh katiescarlett!

I just snorted tea up my nose!