Delayed reaction-only just coming to terms with it all

[PrincessTeacake]

I've written a few posts about my narc mother, I'd only realized how abusive she could be in the last year when I started speaking out about my molestation and she was completely unsupportive, and more recently when she kicked up a huge fuss about a dress I'd made to wear to my brother's wedding and I chose not to wear it so as not to rock the boat. Now I'm getting a trickle-down effect as I realize how this has impacted not just on my relationship with her, but with other members of my family.

During the wedding dinner, I took out the meds for my fibromyalgia to take with my food, and my aunt asked if they were 'to keep me calm.' Apparently none of my relatives outside of my immediate family are aware I have a physical disability and had been told I had mental problems. This includes my older brother, who has no idea I sometimes need to walk with a cane but told me once he wouldn't want me near his children. I've been a nanny for 12 years. I was also the only sibling of the bride and groom who wasn't seated at the head table.

Little things keep coming back to me. She threatened to punch me in the face when I was ten for not wearing my braces, she stripped my room of all toys and books when it was messy, when I developed early she put me in a hand-me-down bra three sizes too small and once when I was seriously ill (fever and muscle cramps) she demanded I get out of bed to wash dishes while she went out with everyone else to a bonfire.

My self-esteem was in pieces during my teenage and young adult years, partially because of the fibromyalgia. She belittled my hobbies, the way I dress and the way I look and when I sought out counselling, she brought me to a therapist who was just as damaging and who she herself didn't like (didn't find that out for a long time). She encouraged me, nearly browbeat me, into staying in relationships I was unhappy with and when I was finally in a good healthy place to take control of my life, she tried to convince me to go off-meds because of some side-affects she dredged up online. I had to get a pharmacist friend to debunk that for her to back off. When I was having trouble with an employer after 8 years of being a nanny and a handful of glowing references and happy families, she suggested I was no good with children and that Christmas, gave me a beginners guide to childcare. It would be funny if it wasn't so spiteful.

And now, as I'm trying to go LC, she's poisoning my relationships with the rest of my family. I'm in a bad place right now, a good friend of mine who was something like a surrogate mother to me has just died and since the wedding I've discovered that most of my family think I have mental problems because that's the word she spread around. She has far more contact with the family than I do and I have a lifetimes' worth of awkward family events to attend knowing everyone there thinks I'm crazy.

I hate this, I'm a good person, an excellent employee and a beloved friend and all that goes out the window when I'm around my family.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend PT.

Your mother sounds a true nightmare when you were a child and ever since I suppose with the rest of your family you can only discredit her with something like 'oh you know mum, she gets it all muddled' and try and strike up a more independent relationship with them that doesn't involve your mum. I don't like the way you link mental health problems to being 'crazy', but surely it's easy to clear up that 'misunderstanding'?

If your past is troubling you have you considered counselling to try and come to terms with it a bit more?

PT I haven't read your other threads but I know exactly what you mean about delayed reaction and little things coming back to you. It's quite frightening when it happens as you find yourself looking back at your past in quite a different way. It's like you can see it for what it is now whereas before you thought it was normal.

I think that fact that you can identify this is a good sign. I have a similar problem with my own mother (who did punch me in the face because I spoke up and criticised my abusive stepfather!) Not sure what the solution is for you. Have you considered going NC rather than LC? It is difficult when they poison your relationships with other family members (mine has but I'm not geographically near so don't stand a chance). Are you near to them? Alternatively, you could take the view that if they listen to her poison without your 'side' of the story, they're not worth it? Do you have to attend all these family events or would you mind going without? (not that you should have to!)

So sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. Please do repeat the mantra that you are a good person/friend/employee. You need to keep believing in yourself. That is what keeps me going at times too!

Please don't take my words to mean I think there's anything wrong with having a mental illness, I'm trying to convey it from the family's point of view and they're not exactly open-minded people, plus I think my mother's laying it on pretty thick. I'm a fairly unconventional person and that probably makes it easier, and I do happen to have mild OCD.

Thank you for your kind words. I had some excellent therapy recently to cope with the issues arising from the molestation and all this crap came out, right now I'm just trying to concentrate on other things. I might consider more therapy later on but I have an awful lot on my plate at the moment, I'm taking each day as it comes.

Going NC isn't an option right now, I'm back living in the family home (although mother lives at the other end of the country) and I can't avoid any family occasions without bringing an absolute shower of harassment down on my head. I hate spending time with them, frankly, they're nice enough in many ways but it's always so awkward, and now I know why.

Have you told the rest of your family the truth? If you are hurting due to the story she is telling then maybe it would help to email them explaining the true situation. Sounds to me they only have one side to go on. I wouldn't hide from it, why would you? You know you are right, if they can't see it then you are better off without them all.