What do you do when you can't stand your best friend's DP? :(

[KateBeckett]

My best friend has fairly recently got into a new relationship - they have been together about 8 months or so.

At first I was really pleased for her, she had gotten over a fairly horrid break up a couple of years before and it was (is) great to see her so happy.

However, the more I get to know her new partner, the more I can't stand him. I realise this is all my problem, and would never say anything to her... but I reckon she has a bit of an idea as we have had a few verbal run-ins.

I'm really struggling with how to deal with this - I don't want to lose my best friend over this but our relationship is already being affected as I honestly can't stand to be around the guy. He seems to take great pride in being offensive, and finds it hilarious when he gets called on it.

I think the worst part is my friends reaction when he says something horrible (examples including 'I hate fat people, they shouldn't be allowed to go out cause I don't want to see them' calling his friends ex girlfriend a slut because she dared to meet someone new and thinking it is insulting to call me a lesbian when I expressed a differing view on marriage to him.) She often excuses his behaviour and when he gets personal (eg the lesbian comment) says that it is my own fault for reacting to him, as 'he likes a reaction - if you don't give him one he'll shut up eventually!'

It has gotten to the point where I am avoiding telling her when I will be free as I don't want to have to socialise with him! My DP feels much the same but is better at ignoring his stupid comments and doesn't really get involved as he says I can fight my own battles! (I have asked DP to back me up more is this situation and he has agreed thankfully!)

Wow. I'm going to stop now, as this is so long, but suffice to say I don't want to lose my friend, and it's not feasible to never see her without her new partner as they have recently moved in together... help?!

This has happened to me before and it's a bit of a nightmare. You just have to meet her without him as much as possible. And hope your friend eventually comes to her senses. Mine did thank god! Now she goes why didn't you tell me he was such a twat?

Do you know what she likes about him?

hi Kate

can you try and arrange some one on one time with her to just spend some time with her away from her DP? and it sounds like she is making excuses for his behaviour. why shouldn't you give your opinion in case he reacts badly? I would talk to her about it and just explain how you feel. maybe she cab speak to her dp about his behaviour?

Wow, he sounds like a catch

I would try to be there for your friend but perhaps curb the meet ups by catching up on the phone, facebook chat, etc and try to invite her to stuff which just "happens" to be girls-only or something.

Because, honestly, he sounds like a twat and people who are twats in general tend to be twats in relationships and somewhere along the line, she's going to need a friend (especially if he's driven all of hers away with his twattish company!)

What Berstie said.

I don't think it's correct to say it's all your problem. This isn't just some silly clash of personalities over something and nothing, the man is deliberately and overtly offensive. He clearly hates women that dare to get out of their box... you, the e. Red flags all over the place. She obviously feels the right thing to do is shut up and fawn at his feet - which is her prerogative, of course - but she can't expect others to just fall in with her submissive attitude and stop having opinions of their own. This is how abusive relationships get a toe-hold... the victim defends their unreasonable behaviour as 'humour', shuts up for fear of a reaction & the bully frightens all their friends off. Result... isolation and control

I would be pretty straight with her because it might make her think whether she's making a massive mistake. He's offensive, abusive, you don't want to spend any time with him and, if she wants to meet up without him or better still leave the nasty piece of work, you're still her friend.

Do you want to stay friends with her? Can you respect someone who finds this sort of ignorant behaviour ok?

Def go for the girls night only routine. Now they are living together she may be more up for that anyway?

Do you want to stay friends with her? Can you respect someone who finds this sort of ignorant behaviour ok?

Thanks everyone. It's tricky to see her without him as we don't live close by and DP is usually with me when I visit her home town, and she generally brings him with her when she comes to stay with us.

She is very very loved up and I don't want to taint that...

I will try to suggest times to see her alone, but any ideas on how to deal with him when I do have to see him?

cogito thanks... that is a scary, but thought provoking post! I don't think he is the abusive type... more that he has a thing for puerile so called 'male' humour and playground bully behaviour when he doesn't get his own way... I will think about what you said re being so up front with her, but I don't want to lose her as a friend.

knicker I do want to stay friends with her - she is my oldest friend, we've been through a lot together and I don't want to throw that away based on her shite taste in men...

A grown-up version of a playground bully that thinks he's being funny is a bloody dangerous animal, don't you think? Recommend you read this article & see how many of the early warning signs you can spot in this guy. Guarantee a few OMG moments...

The best thing you can do for your friend is be honest. You may lose her short-term but one day she'll be grateful