My father grabbed my wrists yest, blocked doorway. I'm pregnant. so sad.

[amazingness]

so it was halloween night, i had taken DC's to spend their half term week with my parents, 300 miles away.

it was soon time to go out & see the fireworks display. As i am currently 6mths pregnant with DC3, i decided to stay at the house, as did my mother. meaning my father would have to take DCs to the fireworks, a 5 min walk away.

then the fussing/shouting started, of my father to my DCs, 'put your coats on, get that coat buttoned up, where IS your hat' etc LOUD, aggressively

After one particular outburst from him towards my 6yr old son, I got up and said ' it's ok, you stay here, i'll take them to fireworks' at which point my father who is mid sixties, grabbed BOTH my wrists very tightly and blocked the doorway of the living room so i was unable to get out. I said, 'get your hands off me, dont you ever Dare grab my wrists like that, let go!' in front of DCs too.

he immediately left with the DCs to see fireworks

mother offered myriad pathetic excuses for his temper.

I went to bed with DCs once they came back, I got a half hearted apology when he returned and he was practically smiling/laughing.

I drove home this morning.

I just feel sick and upset and so confused and angry about it all. I texted DH who said that it sounded awful, and so he is due home soon.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to get it out.

(background:I should mention this is the father who used physical punishment on my elder sister when she was a teenager, never on me, but i was there to witness it. I suffered from depression for years and have had therapy for flashbacks in the last 2 yrs. It's all so rubbish. I just wonder why I bothered visiting them. I wont be going there for a very very long time)

Just so sad.

echoing other posters you are damned right it is assault. I would at least talk to the police as you are still suffering even now and no doubt it has dug up memories which were repressed.
At least you look like your DH is with you and your siblings are supportive. It looks like you know your parents are wrong and you are doing a good job at parenting by doing the opposite to them.

Re the baby. Can you meet on mutual ground in a public setting where DF is more likely to not be a total arse behave? Whatever you choose/decide do it on YOUR terms and make them give you the respect as an Adult that you deserve. Personally I would say you wanted an apology off your Dad before you even thought of meeting up again. Not your Mum. She's his wife not his Mother and I would hope he can speak for himself.

Oh OP, there is no need at all to apologise to me - this thread is very helpful to me, and although it has come as a shock to realise fully that what happened to me was also assault, it is necessary to understand that. Like you, I feel sick and emotionally shot and it is three years since my dad did this to me.

I now know more than ever that I was right to stop contact with my horrible parents. My mother wouldn't even have made excuses for my father - she would say I deserved it and be standing coldly in the corner with her arms crossed watching. As it happens, she wasn't there that day.

I really hope you do what is right for you and I am really glad your DH is so supportive. As my DH says - those people do not deserve to be in your or your children's lives.

You are all so supportive, I am all over the place today tbh

• miss Pixie, yes he is an adult and SHOULD be able to speak for himself, she shouldnt have needed to tell him, 'can you apologise to Amazingness' after they returned from seeing the damn fireworks

and he went, 'eh? oh, yeah, sorry Amazingness' and went across the living room to read his paper in his armchair. Almost smirking. What a git.

I was thinking of mentioning the incident to my midwife at my next visit which is next week. Not sure though. Didnt' realise I could get police involved. Of course, I'm thinking now what good would it do.

I'm so so glad to be so far away from them. I knew from an early age I could never live close to them like many of my friends do, or as normal daughters do with their families in many cases.

I haven't heard from either of them since Friday. Long may that last.

I don't need to hear her voice so won't be phoning her. I've emailed already as I mentioned, to tell her clearly that DH is appalled, that it was unacceptable, and so on. I think I've made it clear. I've blocked her on Facebook, which she uses several times a day to stalk her family and friends, so she won't get a look in at my life that way. She has lost her chance, by never ever protecting her children, enjoying a good old fight with her daughters (I remember clearly she threw a glass of water over my sisters head on sisters ALevel results day - oh and she was the one who chose to use a BAMBOO stick as punishment) So SHE is as culpable as he is tbh.

Neutral ground in a public setting for 30 minutes is the most likely way to allow them to see DC3 in a few months. WITH my DH present. But only if I'm ready for that, given that I may be exhausted after the birth etc.

I don't think I'll ever meet them in my home, their home, or alone - I will ALWAYS aim to have DH there. DH is amazing I thought he'd just brush this one off as yet another family drama, but he is really looking out for me it seems, lots of hugs and asking if I'm ok all weekend.

(sorry long post)

If your father did that to you, a grown woman, over nothing at all ... imagine what he could do to your children. I can only agree with others here - no more contact. The pair of them don't deserve to have you and your loved ones in their awful lives. Yes, it's hard, but you'll do it. I'm glad you're reading 'Toxic Parents' - I'm reading it too, at the moment, also her book about Toxic InLaws (don't think I'm one!!!) My mother was toxic - demeaned and belittled my daughter about her size when she was a teenager, and once, when the kids were small, said 'I've a lovely present for you' and handed over a beautifully wrapped and beribboned small box. Inside, nestling in lots of tissue paper, was a very mauled and mangled dead mouse, that she'd dressed in a tiny pink tutu, little sequined top and headdress she'd made! I mean, WTF??? My kids bawled their eyes out, but mother said it was meant to be a joke!

Goodnes, amazingness, what a horroble experience.

I am not surprised you feel so upset. Not only was the incident upsetting in itself, but it sounds as if it has brought back traumatic memories of your father being violent to your sister. And seeing your Father become angry and impatient with your DC must have brought all that back, too.

Did either of them hit you?

There is no way I would be travelling to visit them at Christmas, and however badly you would have liked to have rescued your sister from his violence when you were young, it is not your job now to rescue your siblings from choices that they make over contact.

Have you discussed with your sister how you feel about the violence you witnessed? It makes me think of the Cat Sanctuary – a novel by Patrick Gale – about 2 sisters, one of whom was subjected to physical violence in the form of sadistic punishment by the father while the other wasn’t but was there and saw. In this kind of case you are both victims, but it can be hard to see it or feel it in that way. But you had (and have) an abusive father.
You are right, your Mother has enabled his behaviour by making excuses for it, trying to manage the fallout, but never stepping in to protect her children.
I’m really pleased that you have such a staunch DH – he sounds string and clear and it’s great to have someone unequivocally on your side.

thanks for replying OldGranmama & Blu

He never hit me back then, no, grabbing my wrists has happened twice in my life - once back on New Years Eve this year when he was very drunk at home on whiskey and wanted me to dance in the living room...I resisted and left the room. The other time was this recent one.

The thing is too, he was stone cold sober in the latest incident

The other annoying thing which just freaks me out is, and I've only told this to DH on Saturday, is that whenever he sees me, when we arrive at the house, his greeting has always been not just a simple hug, but a hug with one arm while his other hand pats my backside.

IT DISGUSTS ME - and I HAVE told him he doesnt need to do that - but he still does it, and did it when we arrived at their house last Monday. I think it's creepy. Another little thing to push me further away though, there is absolutely no way I can see them before March at least next year. I just can't do it.

I feel sick just writing this.

And yes, while it was always my sister getting hit, (at one point she was chased around the house then thrown against a wall - on a Tuesday evening after a long day at school, I must have been 11, she was 14), I was always there - where else could I go in the evening at that age - and couldn't stop it happening. The NOISE and the CHAOS and the FEAR was immense.

My mother just sat there...

I AM SO ANGRY!

Amazingness, you will be angry. What happened to you in the past and recently was AWFUL. Of course there was nothing you could do when it happened in the past - you were a child. It is a mother and father's job to protect you, from the world, and even each other, in this instance. Yours failed. Do not beat yourself up for one second about what you could have done.

What you can do is take positive steps to protect yourself and your family now. And not only by keeping a physical distance from them. You also need to care for yourself mentally, and if this means not having ANY contact with them then that is ok.

You do not have to see them EVER again should you choose. You do not have to let them see your baby. You do not have to contact them. Protect yourself, protect your family, nurture your relationships with your siblings, and grieve for your parents then move on.

Didn't mean "move on" flippantly, by the way. Just read entry back and it sounded a bit flip. Apologies.

I guess I meant that by choosing to grieve and not have them in your life, the hurt can start to heal, but keeping on seeing them is re-opening old hurts for you and inflicting new ones.

no Dinosaur, not flippant at all, i got your point, it made sense

that's exactly what it was feeling like, that just as I was beginning to think I had blocked out the memories etc and could possibly maybe function on a civil level with them, everything would be opened up again during a visit, (much like a wound whose stitches had burst) and back to square one

Glad I didn't offend you. It must be really difficult. I suppose no matter what your parents have done, there will always be some feelings of love for them. And some hope that they will see that what they are doing is wrong and change. Sadly, with abusive people, that rarely happens and people end up getting a metaphorical kicking over and over again. Then there's the effects on your kids of them seeing what you have put up with from YOUR parents.

Tis a crap scenario. I'm sending hugs your way. Hope you get through it ok.

thanks so much Dinosaur

You know, I am really glad that you are angry. Anger is more than justified and necessary as part of mourning, healing, going forward.

How DARE they behave like that towards vulnerable children? How DARE they?

A bamboo stick? Throwing against a wall? A small child cowering in fear?

How very fucking DARE they?

jux, your words are exactly what have been spinning around in my head for YEARS

make that 3 children in that house affected by them - my younger brother has recently told them he's gay, needless to say they weren't pleased about that - mainly because they are worried about what 'people will think'

i thought somewhere along the line that parental love was unconditional

how wrong I was

It's so sad, for you and your siblings, but also for them. It is unlikely they will spend their final years surrounded by loving people, who value and respect them. It is something I don't understand, why intelligent people can't see how they are setting themselves up for loneliness and an empty old age.

Worse by far for you and your siblings, though. Many things are lost in a childhood like yours, not least a sense of safety, trust, knowing your place in the world, having somewhere and someone you know you can always go to and will find love and kindness and laughter and comfort there. Such children - that's you - are truly deprived.

But look at you and where you are, what you have done; not least created a family of your own with a loving and supportive spouse, and lovely children who will know that they can always go home when the world is unkind, and find you there with your kindness and love and comforting arms.

How is your sister now? Does she have any kind of relationship with your parents? Have you ever discussed with your Dad your memories of him chasing her around, throwing her against the wall?

So when sis was 14, you were eleven, how old was DB? It would be cathartic for you three to sit down and discuss this with parents. Then they would know how you all feel, and they could not go thru retirement saying they could not understand why you children were distant. It would be crystal clear how you felt.

db was 4 Hansie. we have all told them at various times individually in the last 5 yrs that it was a very unhappy unpredictable home. they cant understand it as they say they provided materially...denial denial denial

IMO, it is a bit of a waste of time trying to talk to your parents again, jointly or separately. They already know. It is sad, but they have made their choice - made it when you were all children, and made it again and again since. Every time any of you try to talk to them, by putting the material side in front of the emotional side, and steadfastly sticking to that.

No, concentrate on your own life and that of the people who do care for you - your dh, your children, friends, and siblings. Make a good life for yourself and them. The best revenge is living well. (I know revenge isn't perhaps entirely appropriate here, but you get the sentiment.)

thanks Jux