My father grabbed my wrists yest, blocked doorway. I'm pregnant. so sad.

[amazingness]

so it was halloween night, i had taken DC's to spend their half term week with my parents, 300 miles away.

it was soon time to go out & see the fireworks display. As i am currently 6mths pregnant with DC3, i decided to stay at the house, as did my mother. meaning my father would have to take DCs to the fireworks, a 5 min walk away.

then the fussing/shouting started, of my father to my DCs, 'put your coats on, get that coat buttoned up, where IS your hat' etc LOUD, aggressively

After one particular outburst from him towards my 6yr old son, I got up and said ' it's ok, you stay here, i'll take them to fireworks' at which point my father who is mid sixties, grabbed BOTH my wrists very tightly and blocked the doorway of the living room so i was unable to get out. I said, 'get your hands off me, dont you ever Dare grab my wrists like that, let go!' in front of DCs too.

he immediately left with the DCs to see fireworks

mother offered myriad pathetic excuses for his temper.

I went to bed with DCs once they came back, I got a half hearted apology when he returned and he was practically smiling/laughing.

I drove home this morning.

I just feel sick and upset and so confused and angry about it all. I texted DH who said that it sounded awful, and so he is due home soon.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to get it out.

(background:I should mention this is the father who used physical punishment on my elder sister when she was a teenager, never on me, but i was there to witness it. I suffered from depression for years and have had therapy for flashbacks in the last 2 yrs. It's all so rubbish. I just wonder why I bothered visiting them. I wont be going there for a very very long time)

Just so sad.

You can be factual - you're not going back at Christmas because of yesterday's incident and you don't want it to happen again. Leave it at that.

Nothing accusatory about that!

I know that sad feeling, OP. It's awful when your parents let you down. You keep trying to set up nice family situations and hope they'll live up to their role but they instead just show their true colors and all the hurt comes flooding back. It's hard and must be even harder if you're pregnant and feeling vulnerable anyway.

All you can do from now on is keep your distance. Don't engage, don't have expectations of them, don't let them in. It's up to you how much contact you have - going totally no contact is a tough decision and I personally wasn't able to go that far - but keeping your distance physically and emotionally is the best thing you can do.

thanks averyjessup, that is good advice, actually. Makes much sense. I'm also going to order Toxic parents by Susan Forward on my kindle to help make more sense of how to move forward with this.

Dh appalled btw - said it was absolutely out of order & we wont be going there again for visits or for any stayovers, & will stay elsewhere - if we have to be there it will be for emergencies only. Feeling better to have his support, to know he understands tthem etc Thank you all for listening.

it's taking longer than expected for me to get over this - keep getting flashbacks. Still feeling sick & emotionally shot.

This thread has been rather triggering for me because exactly the same thing happened to me, although I wasn't pregnant but I was holding my three year old son at the time. I have recently gone NC with my abusive parents.

Reading this thread has made me realise just how normalised my parents' abuse of me had become within my family as I didn't even bother to tell anyone at the time about my dad grabbing my wrists and refusing to let me leave a room and when I recently finally mentioned it to another family member, it wasn't even remarked on.

I now realise it was assault - it did really hurt me. Imagine if your boss at work did that to you, or someone on the bus or something - you would be justified in calling the police frankly.

if he was in front of you holding his hands you should have given him a swift knee to the bollocks - he would have let go then and knew exactly where he stood with you.

thanks Dollius, & sorry it has been a trigger for you.

I just feel exhausted, mentally and so sad. I'm functioning, but feel numb, if that makes sense? It's basically how I used to react after a family incident all those years ago. I was very withdrawn as a teenager as a result.

I've mentioned it to both siblings who are outraged. Like you say dollius, I had 'normalised' so much of their behaviour over so many years

also part of me thought, stupidly, that things were ok between everyone, I thought oh I'll just visit with the DCs - after all, don't most grandparents WANT to spend time with their GDCs, take them to see fireworks etc?

I emailed mother yesterday - letting her know that the Dcs told DH about what happened - and that DH is appalled & disgusted. (Important for me to tell her this, as she thought I would keep it to myself, not tell anyone) I also mentioned that it was about time both of them realised how their aggressive, unpredictable behaviour towards their children many years ago and still today is unacceptable etc If I need to confront them further, I bloody well will.

She replied with a pathetic email - trying to say if only SHE had gone to the fireworks instead then the incident wouldnt have happened, that is is HER fault

I've told her to get a grip - what nonsense.

(DH saying we don't have to visit for a very long time. Even if we do have to go there on Boxing dAY, WHICH IS VERY UNLIKELY NOW - it will be for one hour maximum, then back home. Or maybe we'll just have a peaceful quiet xmas in our own home for the entire xmas holiday)

And it's my birthday this week too. :-(

Toxic parents like yours make for being toxic grandparents as well. These people have at heart not changed. There has also been no proper expression of apology nor any responsibility shown for their actions. You won't get that either.

If they are too toxic or difficult for you to deal with they are too toxic for your children to have any form of contact with. These people simply do not make for being good grandparents.

All you can do ultimately is help you. You are likely to be in a FOG state - fear, obligation, guilt which are but three damaging legacies left by such toxic parents. It is not your fault they are this way; you did not make them act like this.

Certainly read toxic parents and look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. That could help you as well.

I would cut all contact with them as of now and not respond to them further in any way, shape or form. Any communications from you just gives them an "in". Deny them that and take all their power away.

They do not deserve to have you in their lives. You would not tolerate any of that from a friend, family are truly no different.

You really don't have to go there for boxing day you know.

I wouldn't do a 600 mile round trip to sit in the house of ANYONE, least of all someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally, but instead elected to assault me and harangue my small children.

Your mother is enabling his behaviour. I note he hasn't contacted you in any way or sent a message. You may find he is raging that you dare call his authority into question.

You perhaps only bothered to see them at all perhaps because on some level you thought they had changed and or become better people. They have not changed, these emotionally unhealthy types never do.

I would also read up on narcissistic personality disorder re your mother and see if any of that resonates with your good self. Your father is just an out and out bully who should be ignored. Your mother here acts as his enabler.

You are truly not under any obligation to see them any more.

Infact if you want any permissioning I give that permission to you freely!!.

you make such sense Attila & Brucie, thank you.

Yes, why on earth would we take our children on a 600 mile round trip, leaving the warm, safe home here where they could just spend time on their school holidays enjoying their Christmas presents & nice food, to be in a house with 2 people who couldn't care less?

The only thing is that my brother is going there for 3 days over Xmas, (reluctantly) and wants me to visit at same time for sibling support (they've given him horrendous stress over the years too). Maybe I should suggest to him that terrible weather has cancelled his flight etc
(We can meet up another time anyhow, and actually have a great time together)

I've downloaded Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It is very powerful reading, just to see feelings which match mine given validation is incredible.

Just feeling isolated now, and like I've 'failed an exam' I guess I was always the sibling who tried to hold the family together, hoped that their behaviour would change, hoped that if I always kept in touch then things would be fine...I don't know how I feel like this but I feel like shit.

DH has just brought me tea & cake, so that & Mumsnetters advice are a good start to getting stronger over this

People who come from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours was one of peacemaker.

Your brother should be under no obligation either to visit the people who raised him. Even if he does see them that is down to him; you should not go with him. They do not deserve him or you for that matter in their lives either.

Make your own family traditions and spend a nice Christmas with people who are actually worth it instead. Am glad your DH is on side; this will indeed help.

It is NOT repeat NOT your fault they are like this.

Atilla you are great, make so much sense.
How do I handle the arrival of DC3 in 3 months, how do I handle the them wanting to visit the newborn/wanting to get involved? What do I say? At the moment I feel they deserve NONE of it, no further info about scans or how the pregnancy is going etc I am sure about that part. My business will have to be my business. But I need to be stronger...

Use the support of your lovely dh, and your siblings.

It is probably a good idea not to contact your parents at all for the next few months (at least).

Definitely do not make that trip at Xmas. People who love being with their family would think twice about it; people who have been abused by their family certainly can dismiss it without a second thought. Stay at home, have siblings over, have friends over; make your own Xmas traditions without your parents hanging over you all. 600 miles - no no no no.

WRT the baby. Well, it's a way away and you don't need to make any final decisions now unless you want to. If they start agitating about it, then you could tell them you can't make a decision now, goodness it's a long way ahead, let's get Xmas over with first etc etc.

Or, you could tell them that it will take you a while to come to terms with what your dad did and until then, you're not making any plans.

You dont have to tell them anything about the baby, its not the law that you must inform anyone.

Could your brother come and stay with you at Xmas?

It is telling that your other siblings do not keep in much if any contact with them either.

I would say that if your parents are too toxic for you to deal with they are certainly too toxic for any of your children to have any form of contact with. What would they get out of such a relationship with these people?. Your as yet unborn child as well needs happy and emotionally healthy role models in his/her life. Fortunately they live a long way away from you and that will help.

I am so deeply sorry that you grew up with such awful people and there was no-one to protect you. But you can do something now in that you can keep your children safe and away from such malign influences.

Toxic parents do not make for being good grandparents. Its as simple as that.

On your last visit there your Dad shouted at your six year old son and grabbed your wrists in front of him as well. That should be your line in the sand, the point at where you decide that you will not go back to them in the hopes they will say sorry. They will not and have not. Neither of them have expressed any real feelings of remorse or even shown any real responsibility for their actions.

As your father has been and continues to remain violent I would stay away from him and his enabler wife altogether.

I can't thank you all enough for replying. It really makes it clearer when I read all your replies.

There is no way I can possibly continue the pretence of a relationship with these people, pretending that things CAN be different, as it is all so FAKE

Jux - you make it so clear re DC3, that yes, it is a long way away, I'll tackle Xmas first and get that over with, at home, with my little lovely family, friends and DH, enjoying peace, quiet, fun, food, tv, snuggles,and no long exhausting trips to people who will create an argument in an empty room. They have blown their chance at any relationship with my or my young family. They have blown it, simple as that.

I had thought that my brother & sister could have Xmas with me here, and they know that, but I think they are happy to do their own thing tbh, I think my brother will cancel his flights in the end, even if the weather is tropical. I don't think he will go through with the visit. But he has to do what he needs to do. I can't join him. My sister may visit, I'm not sure.

Amazingness, I thonk you've made the right decisions on all counts

Happy Cjhistmas! Happy Baby!

OK, my typing has turned to crap, but I think it's just about decipherable

first step was to block mother on the dreaded facebook...i wont look back

Looks like you will have a great xmas! think of this as starting a new tradition. I bet your brother and sister will breathe a sigh of relief if you are inviting them in that they will spend it with someone who cares and isn't going to assault them.

true, Geekloves, xmas will be calmer & better, but I need to stay strong

the word assault did come to mind - that is what it was, right? I mean, what else would one call it!

Oh bless you! You must have been so frightened! I had a big fall out with my DF whilst he was here recently over the way I discipline DCs he didn't hit me though and said some really very nasty things and when I told my Dsis got "oh he didn't mean it! Are you REALLY still upset over this?".
I warned him there and then if he was to ever lay a finger on me I wouldn't hesitate to press charges. The main thing with my DF is he still treats me like a child and I hate it. Grumpy with all the GC too :( OP I wouldn't let it drop its assault by anyone else why should he be able to frighten a pregnant adult just because he was having the grumps on. Would mother listen in phonecall from you where you clearly explained the half hearted apology doesn't mean everything is ok and does she not understand that he genuinely scared you the other night to the point where you now don't ever want to to back (can't blame you REALLY neither).

Yes, it's assault. Yes, you could press charges. Perhaps call 101 to talk it through? Then you can decide whether you want to take it further.

Whatever you decide to do, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy in peace and harmony. Don't let anyone push you into anything you don't want to do.