Why can't I just tell him I'm pissed off!!

[whydoibothersometimes]

Hopefully not too long but...my DP enjoys putting a bet on football matches, I didn't have a major issue with this but he told me yesterday that the money he won last week (that he said he was going to pay a weeks rent with) he ended up betting away to the tune of £86! Which is a pound more than our rent! He told me day before he was going to pay it online, so I thought he had paid it so was obviously shocked and really annoyed! He tried to play it down that it was his winnings over last couple of weeks that he lost and not our weekly income for this week....but I'm thinking yes, but now we have to pay 2 weeks rent today instead of 1 iyswim...I'm really annoyed as well because he and 2 of our children are going on holiday abroad in 2 weeks, their first holiday abroad..we booked and paid for us all to go, us and 4 children. I made the decision to stay with 2 younger children as it just wasn't feasible money wise for us all to go. I'm in no way being a martyr for my decision but it really annoyed me that while I've gone without things I need for their spending money he is still spending money on bets etc as if we haven't got spending money to save! The first words he said were...you're going to be really pissed off with me but....then after we discussed it we got home, he took DC trick or treating and then went to shop and bought himself 8 cans of lager... I know that doesn't sound a lot but believe me these things add up!! Then he went on to say that his dad wants to go for a couple of beers down the pub to tonight with him. He said I feel guilty though..I didn't bother saying well, we did arrange to go for a cheap 2 main meals for £10 tonight as it was my birthday other day!!! He knows I'm pissed off but is still going. I know that is my fault but I don't want to say no, you can't go because then I am the one saying no. I just wish he would have said, no I'm sorry dad I can't go because I've already been a selfish idiot!! On the phone his suggestion was I can go out when he gets home and he will put kids to bed, just pop round a friends or something (that won't cost money) I am absolutely fuming because I know he knows I won't spend money with holiday hanging over our heads but he will!!! I'm on phone so have no way of checking if any of that just made sense...

He sounds like a selfish arse to me. You need to be able to talk about finances and tell him that the way he's spending money (yes, 8 cans of lager DOES sound like a lot!) is unacceptable.

If you can't talk about it for fear of being labelled a nag, then you have bigger problems than his gambling and beer consumption.

To echo your thread title... why can't you tell him? If you're short of cash as a family, betting money you can't afford or pissing it up the wall is simply out of the question. You're not a killjoy, a martyr or anything else negative to expect this. Someone has to be the grown-up in this relationship or there simply won't be a relationship.

I thought it was really selfish too! I just felt I was being told one thing, losing the money. Then only realised he had bought 8 cans this morning. Then oh and I'm going out with my dad. So really it wasn't until this morning I thought - you bloody selfish idiot!! To be honest I do feel there are more problems. I feel really overwhelmed at the moment and I'm sure my pregnancy hormones aren't helping but I really do have an issue with not wanting to be a nag and feel he knows this and takes full advantage of it. I'm really worried in 2 weeks we aren't going to have enough money for them to go on holiday and can't sleep for worrying about it and my DC being upset. I feel like he manipulates me.

We do talk about our finances but the problem is he wants to talk about it when it's too late, like on a sun or mon when there's no money left! Our income is weekly. He the. Thinks talking about it then is going to help but every week ends up the same!! It's so depressing! I know one of us has to be the grown up but when I write a budget it goes out he window on a Friday when he finishes work for the week. We had problems before like this and I spoke to my dad, he said I should just take the bloody bank cards off him and take complete control of the money. It's very easy to agree this is a good idea whilst speaking but doing it is another story really...and I also think if I do that we're not really a couple are we? He will just be like a child I give pocket money too and I don't want a relationship like that either. So confused as to what to do to make this better. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!!

God his a selfish and immature dick. You have more patience than me Op. There is no way on gods earth I could be in a relationship with someone that has/had such little regard for my (your) feelings and someone that has th inability to prioritise his family needs. Financially it doesn't sound like as a family you are currently in a position to be wasting money on him gambling, drinking and going out to the pub. I am so angry on your behalf Op. But at the same time you need to step up, be strong and tell him this shit ends now.

my DP enjoys putting a bet on football matches, I didn't have a major issue with this but now you do and it's no good you cutting back if he is still splashing the cash.

I should just take the bloody bank cards off him and take complete control of the money.... if I do that we're not really a couple are we? He will just be like a child I give pocket money too and I don't want a relationship like that either.

But it's not just him and you, it's the DCs too. Being an adult means taking responsibility and saying he feels guilty is a nod to his conscience but not exactly useful.

So shed any tender sensitivity about treating DP like you're Mum and he's a child because he is not being fair. He gets to have fun and somehow whydoibothersometimes will find the rent money and put food on the table and do all the grown-up worrying.

Don't be a martyr. Do say you'd fancy a holiday too, do tell him you'd had (modest) plans to celebrate your birthday. It's not nagging, it's the truth. Just lay out receipts and outgoings for a month and explain you all have to pull your belts in.

You're right we aren't in a position to be affording this but he just seems to think that telling me I fucked up and I'm sorry is good enough, haven't got the nerve to tell him otherwise. I am a very patient person but it makes a fool of me really and wish I wasn't. Problem is be because its got to this rut I don't know what or how to say enough is enough! I just feel stumped really...worried because on the spot I didn't know what to say when he told me he'd lost the money, my mind just started going 100 miles an hour thinking what to cut back on to cover that loss so I feel I've lost the chance to go mental, which is what I want to do!!

I'd listen to your Dad. Yes, you'd probably lose all respect for your DH and yes, it is treating him like a child but this is a matter of short-term survival. You can't afford him to piss this money up the wall. Long-term, you might decide you'd prefer to be with a man than some immature loser that gives the money to keep a roof over your kids' heads to a bookie or the pub.

" I don't know what or how to say enough is enough!"

Start with 'we need to talk'. Before you do that, get all your bills out and make a list of everything you need each week with an amount attached to each. Rent, groceries, utilities, insurance, transport and a bit for savings. Decided how much you can afford as a couple on luxuries like going out for a drink or having a can of beer at home and tell him that's the lot. Gambling is off the table.

There is no such thing as a nag. There is just someone who asks for something repeatedly. If it's an unreasonable request then they are being unreasonable to ask at all, let alone repeatedly. However, if it's a perfectly reasonable request it should be done before the person asking has a chance to repeat themselves too often. There is no such thing as a nag just a lazy arse who has to be reminded to do what any right-minded individual would do straight away.

8 cans of lager in an evening is too much. I don't care how normal it is in his social circle, it is way over his healthy daily unit allowance and as such he cannot claim it is reasonable to be spending that much on something that is not only damaging his health but also taking away money from essentials.

Hope that helps with getting you in the right frame of mind for it all. Good luck.

Thank you all for replies and advice, I can't remember names and hard to scroll on my phone but yes I am going to take my dads advice, rather lose respect than our relationship and children's family unit! He will be home from pub in few hours so while DC are entertained I am re writing a budget and actually feel like this one will mean something! We need to talk is a good start...am thinking actually might be best to wait til tomorrow in second thoughts..may be unproductive trying to talk after few beers...I am feeling reassured though from the replies sent that I am not being silly for being angry and think he may well be getting off lightly with me (wink) thank you all so much!! I shall reply to say how it went. Fingers crossed for me please that I stick to my guns!!!

So I could also say that I am in fact not a nag because he is the reason I am repeating myself...I like that one!

I can see you rolling up your metaphorical sleeves :) Definitely pick your moment, be prepared with information and answers. You're clearly an intelligent, responsible, resourceful woman, not silly at all &, if he has any sense, he'll do as he's told. Good luck

Echo what others have said. Blowing a week's rent at the bookies, overspending on booze, going on the lash after work on a Friday etc etc sounds like something out of a Catherine Cookson novel, not a normal state of affairs in a 21st century relationship.

He is a selfish manchild, you have no choice but to treat him like one.

Hope you get this sorted out.

Good for you. The alternative is he carries on, you juggle expenses, he looks at you blankly when it's baked beans on toast again and expresses astonishment, "I had no idea! Why didn't you say earlier?" Not to mention the season of goodwill fast approaching and a pretty cold winter forecast.

Good luck, op. I handled the money in my marriage and used to get really fed up that I'd try to make the money stretch and he'd scupper it. I also was a money martyr. I remember getting a really small present for my birthday one year and yet that same day - on my birthday - xdh spent over £100 on a coat for him!!

I later worked out that he thought if he worked hard, he deserved stuff as a reward, which must have been what happened as a kid. Now he lives alone I can only hope that he's worked out that you can work as hard as you like but if you don't have spare cash then you can't have a bloody reward!!

I should take the cards and give him cash. If he kicks up a fuss about how little cash he has, I would be tempted to point out how much less he'll have in the future if either you lose the roof over your heads or you break up and he has to run a place of his own and pay maintenance.

Being responsible for the family budget is a stressful job and one which should be done as a partnership ideally.

Kicked him out...told him I can't put up with it anymore and I don't trust him to take my DC abroad as he'll probably get drunk while he's there with them

Gosh OP that is a major plot twist! What happened when you showed him the budget?
How do you feel now? Scared? Relieved? Or upset?

Can't have been easy but it's been playing on your mind, fwiw I think you knew when you posted you were on the verge of taking action.

That was a pretty emphatic conclusion. Hope you're OK.

Blimey, you ok op? Guess when you've had enough, you've had enough.

Think you're right about him taking the kids away though :(