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Original poster

Should I tell him it's over?

26 replies

Livinginlimbo2 · 01/11/2013 10:19

A few months ago I was introduced to this lovely guy and for some reason I found him incredibly attractive despite him being massively overweight. He is probably the most witty person I've ever met and I pursued him at great lengths to bag a date,

WE got on brilliantly to begin with. I was amazed at how comfortable I was around him, no inhibitions whatsoever. It quickly became apparent that he'd had almost nil experience of romantic relationships, and was honest from the start that he was clueless when it came to dating/ sex etc.

He's in his forties and lives in the family home ( he never left home). Both parent are dead .He admits he was very much a mommies boy and has never until now had any financial responsibilities.

We decided to take things slowly, just a couple of dates/ days out at the weekend and I'd say everything was hunky dory for a couple of months. I'd stay over say once a week, we had a fumble but not full sex. For whatever reason he couldn't maintain an erection. He bravely went to see his GP to discuss this and is now on the waiting list to see a sex therapist. He also joined weight Watchers and losing about 3 lbs a week.

He's such a kind soul; he often cooks me dinner, buys me little gifts, tells me I'm beautiful and how lucky he is to have found me.

The thing is, I honestly can't see a future with this man but I feel so guilty that I've given him false hope. His Mom died about a year ago and all her personal possessions remain in the house; her clothes still hang in the wardrobe, puzzle books remain on the kitchen table. I have offered to help him take her belongings to the charity shop but he tells me he's not ready to just yet, his house is like a mausoleum. It's like he can't accept she's gone.

I'm finding him less and less attractive by the minute.I don't want to hurt his feelings , he's just a gentle soul, but I'm tired of making all the decisions about where to go, what to do. I think his parents never allowed him to be an adult and I am wondering if it's too late for him to change?

I really don't want to sever all ties with him, because I really do like him, but, he thinks we are going to spend Xmas together and I'm going to meet all the aunties and uncles etc. I don't know how much longer I keep pretending that everything is fine.

What should I do?

OP posts:
pictish · 01/11/2013 10:23

End the relationship.
Sorry to say it, but you're never going to get the respect back, and will always feel like his babysitter. Not sexy.

It's a shame, because as you say, he's a nice man...but you are not obliged to settle for less than you want. He's not your responsibility.

FolkGirl · 01/11/2013 10:25

End it. End it. End it.

It's unfair to string him along, I know what it's like to meet family members and have to pretend when you're really not interested.

Just tell him.

If someone else wants to take on Project Mummy's Boy then let them. You clearly don't want to, I wouldn't want to either.

RevelsRoulette · 01/11/2013 10:26

I think you should be honest with him. Kindly. Very kindly. He has the choice to change if he wants to. There is also help out there to assist someone to make changes within themselves if they can't do it by themselves - counselling, for example. If people can find the strength to really look at themselves and see those things that are adversely affecting them, they can choose to change those things. It's not easy, but it can be done (I've done it.)

But what you shouldn't do is stay with someone because you feel sorry for them. You deserve more than that and they sure as hell do.

Original poster
Livinginlimbo2 · 01/11/2013 10:29

That's it! I just don't feel sexy. He's in love with me and I hate myself for allowing things to go on for this long ( 6 months). Ending this relationship is going to hurt him like hell, he's not over the death of his parents and his only sibling doesn't speak to him.
How can I let him down gently, is there a way?

OP posts:
pictish · 01/11/2013 10:51

You'll just have to say that you've given things a lot of thought, and have decided end the relationship.
Tell him you don't want to hurt him or give him false hope by reeling off a list of things that are 'wrong', so would rather just say that it's not working for you, but that you wish him very well, and you're genuinely sorry that he has to be hurt.

Then scarper.

overmydeadbody · 01/11/2013 11:03

You have to end it, and just say that it is not working for you.

You don't need to give him a list of reasons, just be kind and say the chemistry is just not there but you have had a lovely 6 months with him and wish him all the best.

Jan45 · 01/11/2013 11:04

You are entitled to change your mind - at any time, tell him, the sooner the better.

RevelsRoulette · 01/11/2013 11:08

Am I harsh then? Grin none of you would say ok, well, this is why I don't think it's going to work... thereby giving him an insight he may not currently have and the opportunity to look at himself and decide whether or not these are things that he wants to change? He of course has the perfect right to dismiss all reasons if he chooses, but would none of you give him reasons and therefore the option to make changes if he wants? Is it cruel to be honest?

lizzzyyliveson · 01/11/2013 11:14

But if he makes those changes will you return? I think it is giving him false hope. He might ring you to say he has taken all his mother's stuff to the tip. Then you will have the guilt of knowing that he wasn't ready and that you are not going back.

onetiredmummy · 01/11/2013 11:16

I can see why you want to get away, he may be a lovely kind man but he wouldn't be my cup of tea either.

He sounds like a lovely chap & is very wary of losing you, that's why you make all the decision so he doesn't inadvertantly upset you. He's trying to keep you happy & it can get a bit claustrophobic yes but he's desperate not to lose you. Hence the Weight Watchers & therapist also. It seems as if a lot of his time is spent thinking about keeping you happy, which is not healthy for either of you. If he's never had a normal sexual relationship or even a normal relationship then you're on a bit of a pedestal for him & no relationship can work if one partner constantly feels inferior to the other.

The grief surrounding his mother's possessions & getting rid of them is his alone. You can probably move everything to one room so they are not in the general living areas but he has to dispose of them when he sees fit. On the plus side he's not trying to replace his mother with you. I would find it strange though & possibly uncomfortable with his deceased mother's belongings on the kitchen table as though she will walk in at any minute.

Tell him you know of the enormous life changing decisions he is making & they are great, but sometimes people just have a spark or they don't. I'd keep it out of the personal problems arena & concentrate on the reason being the chemistry between you. You sound lovely & sensitive & I know you can make it as soft on him as possible. But if it has to be done then do it sooner rather than later Brew

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 11:52

You say 'you're a lovely man, I like you a lot and I hope you have a nice life but it's not working for me'. Don't give him a list of failings because no-one wants to hear that.

pictish · 01/11/2013 13:51

none of you would say ok, well, this is why I don't think it's going to work... thereby giving him an insight he may not currently have and the opportunity to look at himself and decide whether or not these are things that he wants to change?

Nope - because inevitably would come the promises to change, and the assurances that he will sort out this problem or that problem.
Then either of two things will happen.
OP will have to tell him that no amount of effort will make any difference, which will be like a fatal blow.
OR she will crumble and end up esconced back in a relationship with a man she doesn't desire, fancy, respect or see a future with.

No it has to be quick and clean. I'm sorry to have to hurt you, but this is not working for me. All the very best. Goodbye.

Original poster
Livinginlimbo2 · 01/11/2013 14:09

The thing is I really do respect him and I do so want us to remain friends. I really cannot begin to tell you how much I like him, there is nothing not to like about him. It's just that there is no chemistry on my part anymore. It's hard to tell if he feels any; he's a little boy who's been thrown into the grown up world. Think Tom Hanks in the film BIG.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livinginlimbo2 · 01/11/2013 15:38

Well, I've phoned him to tell him we need to talk. He's got a meeting tonight so I don't think it would be appropriate to tell him now. I'm going over tomorrow and I'm just dreading telling him it's over.

OP posts:
pictish · 01/11/2013 17:01

He is not going to want to keep you on as a friend. Dream on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 17:11

Nothing more soul-destroying than 'let's just be friends'... sorry. Maybe a few years down the track but not when you've been freshly dumped.

Original poster
Livinginlimbo2 · 01/11/2013 17:28

Thank you all for your advice. I know however that he will want to remain friends, he's that sort of a guy. If someone said that to me I'd be mortified, but he so accepting of everyone, it's really sad. He has very little confidence and I don't want to knock this even more.
Thing is I do value his friendship, but as for completely closing the door on him; I don't think I want to go there, selfish of me I know.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 20:36

It would be cruel to remain friends with someone knowing they had strong feelings for you. His confidence will be knocked short-term but, long term, the experience of being in a relationship with you could spur him on to clear out the house, sharpen his act up and try again with someone new.

Shapechanger · 01/11/2013 20:45

I disagree with Cog (a rare thing). I don't think it has to be cruel to stay friends. You have obviously been really important to him. Yes, maybe he is in love with you, but he may also be hanging on to you or projecting on to you because he has lost his mum and needs to find someone else to love.

I agree with everyone that you should end the relationship, also without giving him a list of failings.

Hopefully you have helped him in a transition into (albeit late) adulthood. If you stay friends with him you can continue to do this, you can give him support. He can carry on losing weight, sorting himself out. If he continues to do this he will rely on you less and less anyway.

Good luck with it, you sound like a lovely person and even though you are ending the relationship I am sure you have been good for this man.

pictish · 02/11/2013 13:13

Hopefully you have helped him in a transition into (albeit late) adulthood. If you stay friends with him you can continue to do this, you can give him support. He can carry on losing weight, sorting himself out. If he continues to do this he will rely on you less and less anyway.

And meanwhile back in the actual world of reality, miles away from the land of Wouldn't-That-Be-Nice...

Come on!

Original poster
Livinginlimbo2 · 02/11/2013 17:44

The dreaded dead is done!

Been over to his place and explained that I wasn't happy in our relationship; that I thought he was a great guy... reeled off all good points etc. Explained that I just didn't feel the chemistry was there and it would be unfair of me to give him false hope.
He took it rather well, in fact he said he knew something wasn't right and I did say that I had reminded him on many occasions that I wanted a relationship on equal terms and felt drained by having to make all the decisions. He agreed with me but said he knew no other way.
I told him we had had some really good times and I'd rather we parted on a good note.
He didn't seem all that upset to be honest, just looked a bit bewildered. He asked if there was a chance we could still be friends and I said I'd be happy to go to his Aunties party, just as long as he was honest about our situation, He seemed quite happy with that.
I'm just so relieved it's all over.

OP posts:
Putitonthelist · 02/11/2013 18:17

Glad it all went well. It's never nice ending things but you couldn't have been any more honest to him and to yourself. You sound like a lovely person.

Original poster
Livinginlimbo2 · 02/11/2013 20:09

He has sent me a few witty messages tonight, Am left wondering if his idea of "romance" is on a different par to mine. Am reminded of the poet Lauriat Ted Hughes; " They Fuck you up ,your Mom and Dad" ,what lessons has he learned from his parents I wonder?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 20:14

He's still trying, poor sod.

AnandaTimeIn · 02/11/2013 21:51

OR she will crumble and end up esconced back in a relationship with a man she doesn't desire, fancy, respect or see a future with.

This will not happen. No-one is a martyr and stays in or goes back to a relationship that they genuinely know is going nowhere for them.

Yes, tell him. That is honest. You sound sensitive enough anyway to do it right.

Maybe you were the person to put him on the road to finally becoming independent and working on his issues.
It doesn't mean you owe him your life-long commitment.

Can't understand parents who do not encourage their DCs to find their own way in life at a healthy (younger) age. Even birds push their young out of the nest to teach them to fly

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