What I can't say

[filthycute]

I keep having a recurring dream. Not every night , but I had it last night and it reminded me of the times I've had it before. I dream I'm in a huge house and I'm trying to go to the toilet, every toilet is inaccessible, blocked, broken, dirty or exposed in a crowd of people. Other things happen in the dream, different people etc., but the rest is consistent.

I googled it today and it seems that its meaning is linked to self expression or feeling unheard and letting go of negative feelings or past events (paraphrasing).
This really rings true for me - yesterday I found out that my ExP has a new partner - My DS (3) talked about her. My ExP is abusive - he hasn't seen DS for 12 weeks prior to this week. He was EA and Physically, he left me with debt he had run up, refused to pay towards our sons upkeep for 2 years. He is controlling over contact. I ended things when our son was 8 weeks old, though kept 'trying' for another 8 months with him in a different house. I finally woke up and ended it completely just over 2 years ago. Since then he will go to any length to keep me at a distance from anyone that knows him, he has alienated me from his parents, siblings, other children against me in various ways.

I guess what I'm saying is that he is ensuring that the truth about his behaviour cant be exposed, I have to deal with the debt, all childcare costs, and never having any time to myself.

I have to just suck it up, he gets to live a new life, unburdened, happy families when it suits him and I have to watch and keep schtum. I think this is what the dream is about.

How can I find a way to get these feelings of silencing out, how can I express how I feel? its as though I'm invisible because if I say anything I will come across as bitter especially now he is in a new relationship. I am constantly taking the higher ground, trying to maintain contact, be civil all in the face of his continued fuck wittery.

Is this how it will always be?

"he gets to live a new life, unburdened, happy families when it suits him"

I think the way you get shot of your dream is to take control where you can. The above sounds like one area you can do some work on. If there's a contact agreement in place, hold him to it. If not, get one drawn up legally. Otherwise, don't just let him swan in and out of your and DS's lives. Be a lot less accommodating and a lot more selfish.

Unless the debts were in your name, he is still liable. Is that something you could pursue? And is he now contributing financially? Are the CSA on the case?

What he says to other people you can't legislate for. His family were always going to take his side so there's no point trying to set records straight etc. His new partner will find out the truth eventually... sadly. But you can talk to your own family and your own friends. You might even benefit from something like the Freedom Programme for survivors of abusive relationships

"trying to maintain contact"

Maintaining contact means adhering to any agreed arrangements and it cuts both ways. If he messes you around you're under no obligation to facilitate things. Your DS may miss out on a relationship with his father as a result, but a) it will be no loss to him and b) it will be entirely your ex's responsibility

Thanks Cogito, yes the CSA are involved - he will do nothing voluntarily! I have drawn up a contact schedule, he has agreed without a fight to follow it - this is partly what made me wonder about him having a new partner.
I have done the freedom program, it was really helpful and most of the time I know what and who he is. but as is often the case I find myself crediting him with much more than he deserves and behaving like the abused partner again.

Its soo reassuring to just get some feedback from others, so thank you.

BTW I disagree with the analysis of the dream. To me it's a fairly standard stress response. I believe 'the toilet' is the life you urgently want to be getting on with, but you feel that other things - your ex, your DS, the debts, the childcare costs etc - are getting in the way. Do you have some goal you have had to put on hold because of the problems of the last few years? Training course? Travel plans? Job?

No nothing particularly on hold so to speak, but all of the above is having an impact on the life I wanted.

I am working on taking back control though, I'm finishing a PhD that I stalled on whilst I was with him, I have been able to get back to running which I couldn't find the head space to do when things were really bad.

But I think you are right, I'm not living the life I want, I have to work full time to afford all the debt repayments - don't want to be knackered working 10 hour days, doing all this by myself its not the life we planned. Maybe the new partner triggered this off because I feel like he is living my life, whilst I'm trapped by debt, and the aftermath of his abuse... I know its going to take some time, I did feel like I was getting somewhere.

I know what you mean. I always felt the OW was living my life.... the children I was supposed to have, the financial benefits of the career that I'd sacrificed a lot to get him launched on, access to his family (who are a nice enough bunch but who I had to drop for obvious reasons). But then I thought about it and realised that she has to live that life with him... Mr Pathetically-Arselike and all his horrible ways!!!! My life since may have been more challenging and it may have gone in a different direction to the one I had planned, but at least it's my life, there are no compromises, and I can stand back and say proudly... 'I did that'. When you get there, you'll feel the same.

I can't better Cogito's advice.

I will add that you don't have to keep schtum, and be nice. Or not too nice. If there are facts that need to be shared – and if you're safe to do this (that's important) – well, share the facts. In front of people. Tell people some things. Little things, maybe, but you don't have to hide everything or let him completely off the hook, especially not with your own friends.

Feelings are trickier…. These can always be misinterpreted. So be factual, and calm, and let people think what they think. They'll find out the truth soon enough.

Of course you don't have to do that, you can choose to keep quiet if this is better for you. The point is to bring you a sense of choice, so you don't feel so stifled and so compelled to be nice. You can choose to be nice, and honest, and care a lot less what people think of you, while you pursue your new life goals (which sound great, by the way).

i get the 'loo' dream too, but I always wake up needing the loo, and think it's my brain's way of stopping me from having an accident. Not in any way belittling your problem. Listen to cogito.