How to stay nc with toxic aunt - birthday card drama

[sadbirthday]

This is a strange thing to be writing but I hope those with toxic family members may understand: my aunt completely ruined my birthday by sending me a birthday card. Some background, sorry this is so long:

*Aunt herself had EA mother with whom she broke off contact many years before her death. The final break came when aunt's mother wrote her a nasty letter.
*Aunt has herself lost several friends through writing them nasty letters
*Aunt prides herself on her outspokenness
*Aunt is married to adoring Uncle who thinks the sun shines out of her and is also very proud of her outspokenness
*They do not have dc
*My DM (long dead) and Aunt could not stand each other but tolerated each other for the sake of Uncle (DM's beloved only brother). DM very honest to me about why she disliked Aunt. Aunt now claims she adored DM.
*Aunt deeply dislikes me but will never admit it. I'm no therapist but I think it's because her mother hated her and mine loved me. Her hostility came out during childhood in lots of little ways (making me an apple pie bed, making fun of me in front of others) but was never honestly expressed and mixed in with perfectly acceptable behaviour.
*I found this behaviour less and less tolerable as I got older. About 10 years ago she and I had a major falling out and she wrote me a long very passive aggressive letter which really upset me. I decided to suck it up for the sake of family peace and because I felt she did have some genuine grounds for grievance.
*However, I really wasn't keen to see her and chose the limited contact option - letters and telephone calls only. A few years ago we met at a family funeral and she took the opportunity to make fun of me and humiliate me in front of a audience of family members. I therefore continued my policy of not seeing her. She continued the random hostile attacks via telephone calls and I continued to put up with it.
*About a year ago my stepmother asked me why I never saw Aunt or Uncle. Stepmother very much in favour of "families keeping together." I explained in detail why, not expecting any of it to be passed on.
*I receive, quite out of the blue, a very odd, PA, self-justificatory, guilt-tripping letter from Aunt which she finished dramatically by wishing me well in a manner that implied no more contact between us.
*I ring up parents in tears. Stepmother admits having passed on to aunt everything that I said about her - I think genuinely intending to build bridges, but it obviously backfired.
*I decide not to reply to aunt and in fact take the opportunity to go NC with her.
*This leaves me with the dilemma of what to do about Uncle. Feel guilty about abandoning him as he and DM were so close and the nasty stuff was coming from Aunt, not him. Feel DM would want me to stay in touch with him.
*Hear that Uncle has fallen ill (early this year). Also get verbal friendly message from him via my DB (with whom they have a unproblematic relationship). Take this as a sign that we could maybe salvage our relationship even if I have nothing more to do with Aunt (now see this was naïve).
*A few letters exchanged with Uncle who wants to write long letters about family history to me as he feels his life is drawing to a close and wants to pass it all on. The most recent letter arrived a week or so ago and worried me slightly because he had begun referring to Aunt and at least one section sounded to me like it had been dictated by her. Pondering how to reply when:
*Birthday card arrives, in Uncle's handwriting, signed jointly by him and Aunt and covered with little stickers (her trademark).

I really don't know how I'm going to deal with this. It's clearly the thin end of the wedge and intended to draw me back into a relationship with Aunt. I am absolutely certain that I want to stay NC with Aunt. I have long term health problems myself plus a load of work and financial stress and really can't deal with Aunt on top of this. I now feel I don't want to continue my relationship with Uncle either as he obviously expects me to have a relationship with Aunt too - they come as a pair. I don't want to get into an argument with him about Aunt and I also don't want to come between them as they are a very united couple and she can offer him the support he needs. But I also cannot give them the normal harmonious family relationship which they obviously want.

Sorry for the long post, did not want to dripfeed. I am not at all a well known member of MN but have namechanged due to nature of content.

Perhaps the 'odd PA, self justificatory' letter was an olive branch? 10 years seems to be a long time to hold a grudge, everyone's a lot older and maybe you could have a 'birthday and Christmas card' kind of relationship with your aunt and uncle that you can be in control of? Do you live close together?

Another thought. If her stock in trade is a kind of cruel sense of humour have you ever tried dishing it back at her rather than getting upset?

That is really tough, it sounds like your uncle gets a lot from having a relationship with you, you him,

I would ignore her input and direct your correspondence to him only, and try not to react,

He may well not be around for long, so just try to make the most of it,

and be direct back, if she oversteps the mark, polite say you find it hurtful, and leave the situation.

it a difficult case of balance,

she clearly envies you, and is lashing out, so sad for her, as I'm sure she would benefit from a positive relationship more than a toxic one.

Cogito the 'odd' letter actually read very like a NC letter so I didn't see it as an olive branch. I find Aunt very difficult to understand however so you may be right. I think she was upset to discover from stepmother that I didn't like her behaviour and wrote the letter to vent without thought of the consequences, which would be SOP for her.

We live at opposite ends of the country. I have tried the birthday and Christmas card route but it didn't work because they take offence when I don't want more. I should make it clear that the problem isn't the issue we fell out over 10 years back. It is that Aunt finds it acceptable to repeatedly verbally attack me and to belittle me in front of others, and also to send these letters venting her emotions. I put up with that when I was younger but am no longer prepared to do so.

A big game changer for me was when cousins and close friends had dc and I realised that I would never dream of treating them the way Aunt treats me.

Re: the sarcastic humour, yes I have tried this! Aunt was totally taken aback as she can dish it out but isn't used to taking it. However, I didn't feel it was an improvement. Rather than an adversarial relationship where we constantly snipe at each other, I would prefer no relationship at all.

quoteunquote yes, I think she envies me as she just couldn't bear to see me being brought up with all the maternal love she never had, and is still resentful even though I lost DM in my teens.

No bully likes having a taste of their own medicine. She's a bully. You may not be comfortable with being sarcastic but I think the valuable lesson you learned from that approach is that she can be put back in her box if you show that you will not be cowed. Stand up to her and she will back off. Keep running and she'll be at your heels for the rest of your life.

Agree with cog, if you decide to have contact you stand up to her, the mn standard, did you mean to sound so rude? Anytime she says anything.

I no longer speak to my aunt due to some nastiness at my nans funeral, however I've never let her know, but whenever I need to speak to my uncle I call and don't get involved in a conversation with her. Whenever I speak to other family members I will always ask after him but never her. She might not know but it makes me feel better!

Or the Cog standard... 'fuck off you sad cow'. Said with a big smile, of course. :)

the mn standard, did you mean to sound so rude?

Wish I'd known about this earlier in life! It's exactly what I should have said to Aunt last time she called and veered into one of her 'you're such a spoiled little princess' rants. Unfortunately the pattern I learned from my DM was never to confront but brood/complain about things in private. She told me to stand up for myself but didn't model it for me. I don't blame her for that as women are socialised so strongly never to give offence and even more so in her generation (seems like Aunt missed the memo though!). Only when DM was literally on her deathbed did she feel able to make it clear that she no longer wanted to see Aunt or have anything to do with her.

I no longer speak to my aunt due to some nastiness at my nans funeral, however I've never let her know, but whenever I need to speak to my uncle I call and don't get involved in a conversation with her.

This is basically the outcome I was hoping for but I don't think Aunt will allow it. If she had any sense she would just back off but just the fact of her signing that card shows me that she will not go quietly. She hasn't hesitated to cut loose friends and family members from her own life but can't cope when the shoe is on the other foot.

Of course it's possible she perceived my getting back in touch with Uncle as an olive branch to her. Because (a) everything revolves around her, she is the centre of the universe and (b) as well as being a bully she is a coward and likes to go through third parties when she fears a rebuff. For the same reason she may have thought that what stepmother said to her was prompted and planned by me.

Have discovered a local service which offers one-off counselling services for a small donation so I'm going to head there tomorrow and pour it all out. Not exactly what I planned for my birthday treat but hopefully it will be helpful.

Never engage with a toxic person, they feed on the drama. It's a shame you can't have a normal relationship with your uncle but at the end of the day he chooses to be with this woman and acts like a bystander when she's cruel to you - and seemingly to other people too.

I couldn't be bothered 'standing up to her' to be honest, it gives her more prominence in your life than you actually want if you're always having to fight fire with fire and I doubt she'd back down permanently - as I said, she feeds on the drama.

If it was me, I'd cut them both off if your uncle can't have a separate relationship with you. You don't owe it to anyone to keep relationships going which do you no good and actually cause you harm. You don't have to like or mix with blood relations, there's no law to say you do, so just stop beating yourself up about it and ignore the silly old bat. Bin any further letters, make it known to other mutual relatives that you're not interested in hearing about her and ignore any phone calls. What these people hate more than anything is to be be ignored - and, at the end of the day, what can she do to you now? You're an adult with your own life.

Thank you Cleopatra for your supportive comments, sorry it's taken me a while to respond, was away from the thread for a bit in order to distract myself with other things.

I think you're right and I am going to have to distance myself from both of them unfortunately. My aunt wants me to go on round and round the mulberry bush of falling out with them, drama, emotional blackmail, sugary reunions, rinse and repeat and I just can't do it anymore.

Having thought some more about it, I suspect that having gone NC with her own mother, is why she can't accept NC with me, because it suggests that she might be not all that different from her mother, and she can't deal with that idea. Of course she is repeating very similar behaviour with the closest person she has to a daughter (me) although whether it's nature or nurture influencing her I couldn't say. I do find it eerie how the same patterns repeat themselves through generations.

They have a habit of putting letters for DB in with letters for me which I think may be a way of ensuring I won't cut off contact (or saving a stamp, one of the two) but DB has volunteered to screen all letters, extract what relates to him and bin the rest so I will gratefully take advantage of that.

Thank you to all who took the time to read and comment, much appreciated.