I don't know how to say our relationship is over

[LifeMovesOn]

Apologies now for the length of this one, it's taken me a long while to put pen to paper, as such.

Four years ago my world collapsed when my ex-DH finally admitted what I'd suspected - he was having an affair. In a nut shell, we went on a pre-booked holiday, I tried to kill myself (fortunately my fat little legs couldn't get up on the 21st floor hotel balcony....), came back, sent him to his sisters while I thought about what I wanted.... I was then not allowed to talk to him for two weeks while HE was deciding.....then told me it was all over. Day later he came home on bended knees begging for forgiveness and I, stupidly, agreed. 7 weeks later, New Years Day, discovered they were still at it and that she was the love of his life and he was willing to walk away "from everyone who loved him" (ie me and our then 16yo daughter). So he was despatched.

Four years on and I am still struggling with anger, betrayal and other emotions. I truly am ashamed to say I resent that my DD now has a relationship with her father - which he does not deserve. I find it hard to forget that this is the person who did not support his daughter financially when he left, expected her not to talk to him for two years, begrudges the tiny amount he gives her each month to help with her university expenses (she lives with me when at home), who in front of the mediation solicitor said she did not need a home when she was at university since she'd be living up there..... so many things I won't bore you with.

Two and a half years ago met a really nice guy (online) and we started to see each other. He lives an hour away, has three kids. We used to spend an evening mid-week together (at his house because he has his kids every other week) and weekends. That is now just Saturday evenings - my choice (although the mid-week stopped due to his football commitments).

And there in lies the problem.

I always felt second best to my ex-DH's sporting activities, even when my daughter came along. I am now seriously resenting that football is the new chap's life. But that's my problem since it's his life and was before I met him, and I do understand that the problem lies with me, not him.

My problem is, how do I tell him I think we're done, since he's such a nice man - a genuinely nice man?

But I feel "lonely" in our relationship and, to be brutally honest, I'd rather be lonely on my own than lonely fitting into someone else's life. I'm sorry, not so good at explaining my own situation. Sort everyone else's out for them!

My friend cracked the nut when she said I am like a "visitor" in his home since neither of us keep anything at each other's houses. It's not that we deliberately don't, just has never really happened. He very rarely comes to mine anyway.

I get on very well with his family, his kids (19, 18 and 15) and feel I'm letting them all down by even thinking of ending it. But I am unhappy.

I'm finding it a chore to drive over there on a Saturday afternoon - all we do on a Saturday evening is sit and watch tv. Then football is most of the day Sunday (he runs a youth team, then we frantically race over to where his youngest son plays in another team). He is secretary of the football club - a club he and his friend set up 8 years ago. He is on numerous FA committees and trains once a week. Saturdays, if he's not working (self-employed builder) are spent up at the football pitch mowing grass or marking three pitches out.........

This sounds awful, but I've never ended a relationship in my life (but then only had three - long, long term boyfriend before ex, 22 years with ex and then this one 2.5 years).

I don't know what to say because I am so afraid of hurting him.

But for own sanity I think I need to do this.

It does scare me, the thought of being on my own again, but I'm really a different person to the one he met 2.5 years ago.

I don't intend looking for anyone else - don't particularly want to be on my own for the rest of my life, especially now I'm 53. But I think the bottom line is I don't want to be in this relationship any more.

Please could someone get through my muddled words and help me to know how to end it?

And if you've read to the bottom of this - here's one on me.

I meant to add that he is not with his mistress - she kicked him very firmly into touch when he told her we'd parted. Two weeks after this, he was shacked up with his sister's best friend, who he's still with.

Do I resent that - yep, you bet your freaking life I do.

Have you said any of this to your boyfriend? Have the two of you had any conversations about a future together?

One of the great ironies about dating in later life is that we always hear so much about how important it is to have a rounded life, being in a relationship isn't everything, fill your life with friends and activities, etc. The trouble is, if you do that it can often be very difficult to sustain anything but the most casual of relationships because the demands on your time don't allow it.

There comes a time when you have to make a decision and a gamble. You leave things as they are and keep the relationship casual or you drop something back and concentrate on spending more time together (although no way should you drop everything or even most things). When you live together or operate from two houses but spending most of your time together, it can actually become easier to find the right time balance between relationship and self, but that only works if either house works just as well as a base (not always the case with jobs, schools, etc).

I don't think asking him to cut back on the football is unreasonable if you and he want a more committed relationship. He has every right to say he'd rather leave things as they are, but I think you should give him the choice if you care about him and would like a future with him. You don't sound remotely jealous or needy in your OP so I don't see that you would in real life, especially as you aren't trying to make him out to be in the wrong in any way, you're just saying this isn't working for you and maybe your goals are not compatible.

If you want to split up, this works just as well as a reason for that.

There is no 'kind' way to end a relationship. All you can do is be honest (without being deliberately cruel) and resolved. No mixed messages or false promises of hope.

Good luck.

I think all you really need to get across is 'it's not working for me'. I tend to operate on the basis of 'least said, soonest mended'. Good luck

Just be honest with him OP then walk away. There's nothing wrong with your reasons.

Its easier than you think, just get it out of the way & you'll feel lots better

Also have you tried counselling to deal with the feelings left over from your exH? x

Thanks everyone - I really do appreciate your comments.

The easy ones first - onetiredmummy I had counselling quite soon after my ex and I broke up. It was six hour and a half sessions with a counsellor (arranged through my work). I am pretty sure at that stage I just told her what I think she wanted to hear and therefore it didn't help in the slightest. I then got quite bad and was referred to a mental health unit by my doctor who wanted me to get some cognitive behaviour therapy. The mental health people signed me off as completely sane and did not feel I was an urgent enough case to get any CBT. They recommended Relate which I have refused to do - especially at the time when I had NO money, courtesy of the ex.

I do think I need some help, but am not overly receptive to outside influences (yet must drive my wonderful girlfriends up the wall with my babblings). I honestly don't know what to try and really couldn't afford much privately.

(Oh -and I I did see a private therapist at the suggestion of my then DH, but that only lasted two sessions because my therapist said it was down to him to receive help).

My DDs relationship with her father caused a huge strain on our relationship this summer, but we're back on track (I hope) now. I truly hate that she has anything to do with him or his family, who I also feel betrayed by. Blood is thicker than water. But she is an only child sadly and therefore they are her family.

She is another problem regards my relationship with the boyfriend. She doesn't particularly like him because he is very quiet and, she says, she always feels very awkward in her own home if they're ever there together. That broke my heart when she said that. She doesn't enjoy spending any time with him and for that reason I make sure we don't. She has had to "endure" the last two Xmas' at his parents house with all of his family and I know now that it must have been no fun. It's important to me that my daughter likes and respects any man in my life as she is the most important person in mine. However, I am, of course, aware that soon she will leading a life of her own and therefore must accept I do have a life outside of her.

It's kind of just another nail in the coffin for him. We also have very little in common (different kinds of holidays, he never has friends over for dinner whereas I am very sociable). My friends I think tolerate him because of me, but they've started to make noises.

Dahlen - this is the crux, I think, in that we have never even discussed a future, the word "love" is never used unless written in a card (ie love from). Both hurt maybe, but if you were certain of someone then surely I would feel comfortable enough to say it?!

He recently took me for a long weekend to Paris. It was lovely. He doesn't have a lot of money so it really was so thoughtful. Really the first thoughtful thing like that he's ever done, mainly because of money. And don't get me wrong

As for changing things to a more casual basis, I don't think that would work. I'm finding excuses not to have to go over every weekend. That's not right. And although I feel guilty when I don't I am so much more relaxed.

What a horrible person I am He really is a nice guy, but very much set in his ways. Truth is, I actually can't be bothered to try and get him to change. And why should he? Doesn't that speak volumes.

I just need help to end it............I do believe there is no future and I'm just getting more stressed and miserable.

Sorry - another thing. I couldn't bear the thought of doing it face to face, so would telephone be ok?

Why do you think you're a horrible person? You're not, honestly you're not.

You don't owe anyone a relationship just because they're nice. It's perfectly ok not to want to be with someone just because you're happier on your own. There doesn't have to be anything wrong for it to not be right. Feeling as you do does not make you a horrible person at all - it makes you someone who is mature enough to admit to their feelings and act upon them.

It's pretty clear from your last post that it's over, he just doesn't know it yet. Face to face is usually the most respectful way of doing this. I can understand you wanting to do it by phone, but he might feel even more hurt by that. OTOH, he might be grateful that you can't see his reaction and relieved that he can nurse his pride in private almost immediately once the phone is hung up. You're probably the best placed to judge that. If distance is a factor, phone is also more acceptable.

Whatever method you decide on though, do it asap. You'll feel much better afterwards, and anticipation is nearly always worse than the actual event.

You'll be fine. He'll be fine. And you're NOT a horrible person.