"Dating" after divorce?

[malinaa]

It feels a bit strange to share my story with strangers but my flat mate uses this relationship forum and said that users give very helpful advice, so I decided to give it a try :)

I got divorced earlier this year and my life has been very chaotic. I think that overall I've been okay but a new romantic situation has come into my life and now I'm not sure how to act.

I just want to give you some background so you can understand my problem. I am originally from Bosnia, although I've lived in the UK for years now. I'm sure you know that there was a war there in the 90s. I was a teenager at the time and was there during the whole war. In my last year of school I fell in love with a boy from a different religion to mine. Of course this was always going to be a problem. Both of our families put a lot of pressure on us to break up, but we were so naive and in love that we decided to get married. Our marriage started off badly and never had a chance. Although we managed to stay together almost 10 years and moved to the UK together, it was very turbulent, with horrible fights. After 10 years, I had enough. No matter how much I loved him, I believed that I deserved to be happy. I just felt that if we stayed together, we would kill each other or something like that.

I've been through a lot of things and dating/relationships aren't on my mind at all. That is until this week! I work as a medical interpreter and have been going with one patient to a psychiatrist for a few weeks. She had her last appointment with him on Monday. After the appointment, he sent me an email basically asking if I would like to go out with him at some point. I never really noticed him to be honest, but his email was very sweet so I agreed and we are going to meet on this Friday!

After I thought about it a bit, I really regretted agreeing to this date. I know it may seem silly but I'm very very nervous! My ex husband is the only man I have ever been with. Besides that, my life recently has been so stressful and filled with sadness that I can't really imagine being on a date, flirting, even having fun. Now the stupidest thing...I realised I have never actually been on a real date before. I met my husband when we were teenagers and we just became friends and then fell in love. No going to dinner, drinks, or anything.

I want to cancel it, but my sister said she would kill me if I do. I was wondering if there is someone who has been through this sort of thing who can give me a little advice or encouragement. My friend said you guys helped her recently, so I am giving this a try.

Welcome to MN. It's very understandable that you're nervous but I think you need to take a step back from the word 'date' (which is loaded with a lot of expectations) and maybe look at this a little differently. Ultimately, all you're doing is spending a few hours with this man, having a meal or a few drinks and, hopefully, a pleasant conversation. You may find you have nothing in common or you may get along. There may be a spark of attraction or there could be nothing. So take a big step back from 'date' in the sense of 'finding a partner' or 'having sex'. If you approach Friday as an opportunity to make a new friend it may seem less daunting.

Arrange with your sister perhaps to call you about 15 minutes into the date so that you can make your excuses if it's a disaster. Otherwise, you're in control and it's good to be sociable. Your sister is right... scary, but right :)

I think you're overthinking it malinaa :)

I'm sorry for your troubles, it doesn't sound as if you have had an easy time lately & dating after a divorce is scary enough without additional complications. And I understand you don't want to go, but perhaps your sister is right?

Its only a drink, there's no implications of sex or anything beyond a simple drink. You only have to stay for the one drink & if you decide to go home then that's fine. If you want to stay for a bit then that's fine too. This man obviously likes you so just be yourself & don't put more emphasis on the occasion than there is. Its natural to be nervous & he will be too, just relax and live in the moment, you will probably enjoy it more than you think :)

(Remember to meet in a public place & let someone know where you are.)

Thank you both for your advice

You're right, I think I'm worried about his expectations but realistically he can't expect too much because we don't know anything about each other besides from interacting in the work setting.

I'm a bit concerned that we will have nothing in common, but I suppose the way I should look at it that I'm going to learn about a new, hopefully interesting person and maybe he will find something about me interesting too (I hope!).

Anyway, thank you again

Being a nosey parker, I'd love to know how it turns out. I hope you have a great time.

It was very nice actually. We had dinner and went to watch some bonfire/fireworks show. I was right, though, we are very different, but it was interesting anyway. He is 34 (so just a few years older than me, which is good), never been married and no children. It was interesting because he seems to be very smart in the academic way and spent so much of his life working and studying, while I didn't even go to university but have experienced a lot of things in life. So I think we learned a bit about from other, which was nice!

And the good thing is, there was really no pressure or expectations or any of the things I was worried about.

Thank you again for the advice and interest

Sounds lovely. Glad you had an interesting chat.

Glad you had fun