Already been told I'm not unreasonable although maybe I am, but I need to try moving from tnis.
Backstory;
Mil has some issues with me due to dh past relationships, she's never gotten on with any of his previous partners for one reason or another, mainly she's seen them as lazy and inferior.
Dh and I met and married pretty quickly after I supported him through a particularly hard time in his life/illness (they weren't invited to the wedding as we wanted just us and I was already pregnant, this caused tension). I moved whilst pregnant to his home country as we'd agreed it would be better for our dc. From the moment mil and I met I felt as though she was testing me, asking the same question numerous times and disputing things dh and I said as though we were trying to deliberately exclude her.
Pil visited us when we'd moved and had a house to unpack and mil spent a lot of time following me about questioning me which ultimately ended up with me hiding away from her as I was heavily pregnant and didn't need to be told I was lazy and that dh and I were liars.
It was very stressful however after the dreadful birth of dc it was thought that Pil would come and stay to help me as dp took ill and had to go into hospital himself.
His mother started off quite reasonably and having no family or friends from the area I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to get over previous issues and bond, however it ended up with me in tears every single day and mil being centre of attention and stirring up trouble.
I was expressing every feed because he'd had jaundice and hadn't latched properly. this meant i spent a lot of time stuck on my own in my room expressing milk as they were always in the house (they had their own accommodation so didn't need to be).
This meant I was expressing feeds and other people were feeding my baby.
"oh let granny have a hold... Granny wants him now..." I was pretty much left on my own while my newborn was passed around outside the door. I could hear him crying but just kept getting told to go to sleep.
Mil followed dh about the house meaning we had no time together as a new family.. she was in the house from when she got up until 10+pm at night.. meaning no time just us three with me stuck locked away in my bedroom expressing milk.
After a few days... and still in agony.. bowel control none existent, mil announces to dh she's been made to feel unwelcome. I was on medication, had no sleep, was having nightmares about the birth. It was because one day I'd had the cheek to spend time alone with my baby while expressing.
Then she told me that all these health visits meant the midwife would take dc off me if dc hadn't put weight on. I told her to stop being ridiculous. this was especially distressing seing as dc had been ill and not put much weight on initially which she knew.
the last night pil were here she told me people who dont bath babies everyday are awful.. asked why i wasnt changing dcs nappy... and started again about dh's taste in women. ie lazy bitches. I said after listening to this relentless shit for an hour while holding my baby and feeling exhausted 'maybe he likes them that way!' to which she sneered that she was starting to think so. I went to bed.
She then spent the last night telling dh what a moron he is/he picks morons to marry. She said I'd leave him to go home and that they'd never see dgc. Mil also bizarrely said that i hated my cat!
Mil told me while i was crying about nightmares i was having that I needed to get over it.. that I probably had post natal depression but that she didnt get it because she actually wanted her babies. Various other odd topics were discussed which were inappropriate but could have just been her being thoughtless ie. cot deaths, miscarriages people have had that she knows, things about her birth that were worse than mine etc.
I've now barred her from the house. No way can I have her in my house and I'm sure as hell not visiting them. Which leads to my next problem, as they want to see dc. Well how is that going to work? Dc is breastfed so feeds every couple of hours meaning I have to be near. Why should I therefore either be in mil's company and stress myself out/feel ill? Or do I let dh take dc to her for an hour then bring dc back.. meaning she gets rewarded i.e. me out the way and time with dh and dc alone.. which is what she wanted all along (they live over a days travel away so they'd either have to come to us or us travel miles to them which I doubt they'd do for an hour visit). I'm not letting dc go without me.
It upsets me so much that I allowed her constant access and let her have more time with my newborn than me and it still wasnt good enough.
She now wants to see her dgc but the thought of seeing her makes me feel ill and I feel as dreadful as I did in those early days. I'm currently seeking help for pnd/anxiety.
I'm also worried that if I allow access that she'll spend half her time insulting me and I don't think she's capable of controlling herself.
If you've managed this far then thanks.