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Original poster

Such an idiot

21 replies

Fool4u · 31/10/2013 01:16

Been married 8 years, no kids. DH had an emotional affair a year ago. She's his long lost 1st love & they reconnected through Facebook (what a bloody surprise). She lives in another part of the country so I know it never became physical. I found out because I got suspicious & read his messages. He never even tried to delete them & he knows I know his passwords etc. They refused to break contact. Said they could just be friends. Messages between them have always been flirty but they've recently crossed the line again. she's married with kids. They both seem quite happy to fuck each other in a virtual way. I'm sure it's not going to go further. Advice please. Should I just let him get it out of his system or let him know I know (again). I still love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fool4u · 31/10/2013 01:21

Not the best time to post. Just took advantage of the fact he'd gone to bed .. She must have gone offline or he'd still be up. Not cutting & running..

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2013 01:26

Hi 4u. There are a few issues with this. It is really damaging to your feelings and he doesn't care. It is taking his energy and, it sounds like, time away from you and your relationship.

If he was going to get it out of his system, he would have the first time.

Do you think he loves you?

Original poster
Fool4u · 31/10/2013 01:29

I do think he loves me. To be honest if I hadn't read his messages I wouldn't have known. I just think the bastard can't let go of that first love thing. It was 20 years ago ffs!!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2013 02:43

I think the first love thing is a red herring. This isn't love, it's just talking dirty online. Sort of sordid and cheap.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 31/10/2013 02:51

He certainly isn't respecting your feelings.

I'd be tempted to message her through his Facebook, letting her know he is married and that you know about the sordid messaging, and have copied and pasted it on a message to her husband's profile. You don't have to do this in RL it might just be enough to make the threat together her to disengage from whatever this is.

How can you trust him after having to do this though op?

str8tothepoint · 31/10/2013 05:30

Hmm you want him to let go but it's always going to be there and basically he has lied and cheated plus going behind your back to do this. And how you know it's only emotional, people drive and meet up. As harsh as it sounds your not with him 24/7

FolkGirl · 31/10/2013 05:51

He doesn't love you. At least not enough. Someone who loved you doesn't behave like this. The fact you wouldn't have known about it had you not discovered the messages is not a sign that he loves you, it's a sign that he's a deceitful liar.

DevonFolk · 31/10/2013 06:04

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I agree with others that there is a total lack of respect or concern for you. I think it's also worth considering how things would be different if she lived nearby. I'm betting it wouldn't be stopping at fb messaging.

lunar1 · 31/10/2013 06:21

How would he react if you did the same?

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 06:35

As this is upsetting you so much, yes of course you confront him. Emotional affairs can be more destructive physical affairs IMHO because they divert that mental connection that should exist only between yourself and your partner. That he's lying about the contact just makes him untrustworthy. My exH left me for an old flame from many years earlier. It think it makes people feel young again.

Andy1964 · 31/10/2013 09:25

You know what Fool4U, I'm gonna say that now you have confronted it let it go and take a more 'interested' stance.
I will explain;

I thought my DW was having an EA about 18 months ago, actually posted for advice on here.
She had contacted a 'first love' through FB and was in touch with him on a regular basis. Their messages were mostly innocent but there were a few where she had told him she was about to get in the shower, she was moisturising after a shower. Flirting messages, teasing messages.
Then I discovered that she tried to convince him to meet her. It didn't go ahead (I know that for sure) but it was enough for me to confront my DW again about her contact.
We had a really good discussion about it, not a row, a good discussion and I managed to get her to see how it looked from my perspective and that she should not be flirty and teasing as it could be taken differently by the person recieving the messages.
Ever since I have shown an interest in this FB friend. I would often ask how is 'X', Have you heard from 'X' today, did 'X' do this or that today.
I was able to do this as she had become open with her FB conversations with him. I would comment on the things he was doing (everyday going out and work related things) and tried to show a genuine interest in her first love rather than try and restrict her contact with him.
Sure enough over a couple of months their contact fizzled out and they rarely contact eachother now. I still occasionally ask if she has heard from 'X' but contact between them is very rare now and if they do it's "have not heard from you for ages, all ok?"
"Yeah, fine thanks, hows things with your family"

Maybe you can see now why I suggested being more interested. It worked for me, not saying it will work for you.
Your DH does need to see how his messages look to an outsider though and I managed this through a sensible discussion with my DW.

Andy1964 · 31/10/2013 09:25

Oh, and you not an Idiot

WallyBantersJunkBox · 31/10/2013 09:50

Yes but Andy your wife hadn't crossed the line. The OP has ashes her DH to stop and he hasn't. And worse he is not flirting, they are already engaged in having f*ck talk from her first post.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 31/10/2013 09:51

Asked, not ashes

Original poster
Fool4u · 31/10/2013 10:10

I actually think that would be a good approach Andy. I tend to be a bit hot headed so a calm discussion might just work. It would definitely take him by surprise!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 31/10/2013 13:07

I'm racking my brains as to why you are putting up with this, it happened a year ago and here you are again, he knows you are not going to kick him to the kerb so he carries on with it, how much more does he have to do to show you how much disrespect he has for you, sorry but that's a funny kind of love in my book.

And how do you know it's never been physical, you actually have no idea about that. They are both taking the piss out of you, and her, her husband too.

arsenaltilidie · 31/10/2013 13:22

Agree with Jan45.
Fool me once.....
But honestly you deserve much better than this.

Original poster
Fool4u · 01/11/2013 01:09

I was more concerned about the emotional side of it, but yes it is sordid. I haven't confronted him yet, but I've noticed he's deactivated his fb account. What's that all about??

OP posts:
themidwife · 01/11/2013 02:30

It's so you can't read their messages. I suspect they have a new way to contact each other now.

PumpkinsPieEyed · 01/11/2013 11:07

I'd copy paste or screen shot any fb conversation they have and send it to her husband,that should soon stop the flirting.

You should ltb though he has shown you complete disrespect,there is no love there.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 11:14

@Andy1964. You realise the best place to hide something is in plain sight? Hmm

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