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Relationships

I can't believe what my mum has done (abuse related)

67 replies

justnamechanging · 30/10/2013 22:18

A regular poster who has name changed for this.

My mum is pretty toxic and I have posted about it before however she does love my DCs so I visit her once a month with them. My mum is also very jealous of my ILs because they have done very well whereas my mum although comfortable has never been well off.
My mum and dad split up when I was very young and my mum remarried my step dad was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my siblings and when I was a teenager he became sexually abusive. My mum didn't care would say I was making it up or that I deserved it. I reported this to the police age 15 but my mum convinced them I was just being a naughty teenager and making it up. (My step dad was respected in the community) and the police dropped it.
My step dad left my mum a few years later became she was old and he moved out of the country with another woman.

Fast forward to today. I arrived at her house with the DH and DCs there was a strange car parked in the drive but she was the only one in the house I asked who owned the car and she said it was just a friend's. So we sat down and the DCs played.
Then my mum went upstairs and I could hear voices and two sets of footsteps she then said she had a surprise it was 'grand dad' and hustled step dad through the door. I grabbed the DCs (so did DH) and just left.

So my mum called a bit later and begged a chance to explain the DCs had gone to the ILs house so I said fine as long as she came alone. So she did and she said that she was going to get back with him and they were getting married and I just needed to get used to the idea. I explained that I would have nothing to do with him and nor would my DCs. She got very angry and started screaming that I was an idiot who made everything up and kept telling DH that he shouldn't believe anything I say and I was with him for the money I told her to leave and she just kept repeating that I deserved it because I was a horrid person and she would tell my ILs everything so they would stop giving me money. (They don't give us money)
I pushed her out of the house (not great I know) as she screamed abuse and said she would call SS and then get the first plane to Spain.

I feel awful I keep reliving it all in my head and having flashbacks. I guess I just want someone to tell me to get it together because I don't want to upset the DCs. But I am so scared she will call the police and SS on me.

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AussieSpirit · 31/10/2013 03:03

I've been lurking on MN for a couple of months now reading all the great advice/funny stories etc but thought it was time to join as I couldn't just read your post and not comment.

Please don't be concerned that your 'mother' will call the police. These type of people are cowards and are very manipulative. I completely relate to the situation you are in as I have a past similar to yours (my mother knew about the abuse from my step father, allowed it to happen and when I became pregnant at 14, she forced me to marry him - long, long story).

What I can tell you is that I tried so hard to make a relationship with my 'mother' work. It took several painful years for me to realise that she would never be the parent I wanted her to be and that she would never apologise. I made the decision to end all contact with her. It wasn't easy but it was the best thing for me. I can honestly say, five years down the track that I'm much happier for cutting her out of my life. The stress I was carrying in relation to her was enormous.

Your mother doesn't deserve your time or any consideration from you really. You just need to do what's right for yourself and your family. I know how awful the flashbacks can be and the questions that they can raise. Just be gentle with yourself. What happened to you was terrible but you've survived every day up until now and you will continue to. You don't need to get it together for anyone, just take your time.